The Barack Obama Shuffle

I can hear the cries of all 4 of you that read this, now:

"I read thirsty bitch to find out all the latest news on John Stamos, if I wanted politics I'd go to a more prestigious blog, like PerezHilton....

What the dilly, yo?"

Well, let me give you the dilly.

I usually don't get very involved in political discussions, not because I don't think it's important, but what's the point of complaining about something you can't change.

"But, thirsty bitch, you can make a change."

Well, hopefully, I can. Since this election, more than any other previous year, has entered the zeitgeist of POP CULTURE, its now in my realm to comment on. In other words, when candidates are appearing on SNL, dancing on Ellen, talking about cellulite on Tyra, and even inspiring viral videos..."you's in my house now!"

The latter of those examples is my motivation. You see, one of my biggest pet peeves is celebrities talking about politics. This irks me to the point of not even wanting to call it a "pet peeve" because the word pet is in there and pets are cute. I'm just peeved.
Last week, a video was brought to my attention. Its intent was to inspire me, to say it fell short of its goal is an understatement.

Take a look:

Isn't that the most re-goddamn-diculous thing you've ever seen?

Am I supposed to vote for Barack Obama because Jessica Alba is hot, and she wants me to? Should the next President of the United States of America be sold to us like beer? Didn't anyone realize that people were going to crack up as soon as they saw Malcolm Jamal Warner in there?

"Theooooooooo, tell the people who you want them to vote for!"

By the time Tyrese shows up, this video has zero chance at having any credibility. By the way, nice job getting Macy Gray to appear. The fact that she showed up in "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" the day earlier means shes not a whore for publicity at all. My absolute (least) favorite thing about the video, though, is the "acting." Can't you just hear the director feeding them things like, "Sounds too forced, throw some "Umms'" in there. Ooooh, yeah, play with your hair, that looks so natural." Give me a break.

The short of it is that no one cares who Luis Guzman is voting for or that George Lopez endorses a candidate in his mother tongue, or at least no one should care. I do feel confident, however, that the only people this video will reach is those not yet of voting age, who don't even know that the woman telling them to vote used to play Martin Lawrence's neighbor.


I should also note that I have no problem with Obama, but this video does kinda support my theory that he may, in fact, be the Antichrist. C'mon, don't tell me you haven't thought about it. He's a little too charismatic.

Also, am I alone on this or does he sound an awful lot like The Rock? During the debates, my mind tends to wander and I imagine scenarios where Obama could use some of his catch phrases. Just a peek inside my mind. Plus, Barack...Ba-rack...Ba-rock...The Rock. C'mon!

Less of a rant next week.

New Trailer for M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening"

M. Night has a new movie coming out and from the looks of it, this may be the biggest comedy of 2008. I think its great that he's decided to go away from his usual thrillers and try to follow in the footsteps of Judd Apatow.

I just keep watching this trailer over and over, maybe its a spoof movie like "Meet the Spartans" since Mark Wahlberg sounds like he's reading off of a cue card. What am I saying?! He probably can't read. Hopefully the 5 seconds of "Smell the fart acting" that he does (starting at 1:42) will silence all those people that herald him as the greatest actor of our generation.

Did you see the gravitas that he brought to the role in "Shooter"? Genius, I say!

Thirsty Bitch Honors...

With the overwhelming responses I got from my triumphant return I wanted to take this opportunity to keep the butts in the seats, so to speak, so I asked myself, "What does everyone love?"
Answer: Awards Shows. But then I could only think of one person truly deserving of such an honor.
Cue: sentimental music.

Once in a while, a person a comes along and captures a nation. Rarer still, is the person who comes along and captures the entire world. Today we honor such a man, who's contributions to the landscape of our civilization are not only innumerable, but priceless as well. A man who gives, but does not take.

Thirsty Bitch Lifetime Achievement Award
Honors
Steven Seagal

It all started one night when my dad was watching television and I heard him laughing hysterically. Thinking, he may be watching something worthwhile, I walked in to find a guy with a ponytail kicking the ever loving crap out of a bar full of people with a billiard ball whilst inquiring, "Why did Richie do Bobbie Lupo?" The movie was Out for Justice, and it has since been passed up by the AFI for their hundred greatest films...twice.
My love started to blossom.
Next, we were so taken by this Steven Seagal character that we ordered Under Siege on Pay-Per-View and taped it. The action was ok, but this movie contained the first boobs I ever saw.
I watched that Under Siege tape about 382 times between the ages of 10-13.
Then, his career started to taper off. I saw Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and On Deadly Ground in the theater and they left me cold. There was no Bobby, no billiards, and sadly, no boobies. After this, Seagal went on a string of movies that either teamed him up with someone else (Keenan Wayons, Ja Rule, etc.) or that went straight to video, or both. In fairness, I haven't seen any of these latter efforts, but mainly because I'm not a glutton for punishment.

It's a little upsetting that the action stars of our youth have been shuffled aside. I'm sure if Siggy were actually accepting this award, he would share it with Dolph Lungdren, Jean-Claude VanDamme, and even Sylvester Stallone.

I'd like to close out this tribute by sharing the anecdote of Seagal's talking dog, courtesy of wikipedia, the most reliable source ever.

While being interviewed by PETA, Seagal was asked to provide an example of a special interaction with an animal. To lend context and meaning to his animal rights work, Seagal offered the story about a dog which approached him during his early aikido years in Japan. Seagal described feeling as if he had known this white dog forever. After keeping the dog for a few days, the dog (by barking) warned Seagal that his dojo was on fire. Seagal quickly summoned help to put out the fire. He never saw the dog again.

And of course, no lifetime achievement award would be complete without a retrospective montage, so here goes...

By the way, he was also tappin' Kelly LeBrock for like a decade.
Nice.

Happy Birthday, David Lynch!

Today ThirstyBitch celebrates the birthday of everyone's favorite American surrealist, David Lynch. DL and I have a bit of a checkered past. The first movie I saw of his was Blue Velvet and it really didn't resonate with me. I didn't hate it as much as Roger Ebert did, but I definitely didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. Next up, I tried Lost Highway, which I was vaguely familiar with because of the popular soundtrack that was released with it. I don't think too many people can blame for not liking that one. After two strikes, I was pretty sure I was done with David Lynch.

Then I watched Mulholland Drive.
The film had been receiving a lot of critical buzz when it came out and since I worked at a Blockbuster at the time, when it came to DVD I was curious to check it out.
Muhlholland Drive is a great movie. I don't want to write another movie review, so we'll skip over that. After Mulholland Drive, I rewatched Blue Velvet and had a new appreciation for it. I cannot say though, if I had changed or if it was simply a case of a movie benefiting from multiple viewings. Next up, was The Elephant Man and The Straight Story. Departures for DL, yes, but still great movies. I devoured Eraserhead and then met my true Lynch love, Twin Peaks. I can barely describe Twin Peaks, I won't lie and say it's a perfect television show; it has its imperfections and weak episodes just like every other show. Twin Peaks, however, is so far above other shows that these sins are much more forgivable.

Anyway, on to the birthday festivities! Since one of my favorite Lynch signatures is his unique use of music, I thought we would wish DL a happy birthday by showcasing the finer casesof music in his work.

First up is, of course, his most famous use of music, "In Dreams" from Blue Velvet. Chilling and heartwarming at the same time, Dean Stockwell is better here than in every episode of Quantam Leap combined, and I love QL.

Next up, is perhaps the second most famous musical sequence. If you haven't seen Mulholland Drive, you may not understand why I like this scene, but there's something pretty cool happening during the number.

At the tail end of this musical salute is two scenes from Twin Peaks, well, one is a scene and the other is the opening sequence. First is a scene that you may think silly since the character is only holding a guitar and you start to hear a bass line and percussion, but I've come to forgive stuff such as this and hopefully you can too (ps, there is a very small spoiler in the clip). Secondly, The Twin Peaks theme is some of the best work that Angelo Badalmenti has done for Lynch.

Not to keep getting on a soap box about Twin Peaks, but both the music and imagery in this opening really help set the tone, more so than most other shows.

And since this is a "comedy" blog and also because I can't think of any better way to pay tribute to the man than this:

Do you have a favorite Lynch or Lynchian moment?

"Baby Mama" Trailer

The first trailer for the new Tina Fey movie, Baby Mama, just hit the web. It looks Like Tina Fey is on a definite hot streak, not unlike when I lead the Chicago Bulls to all those NBA titles. Judging from the trailer, the chemistry that Fey and Poehler shared on Weekend Update translates to the the big screen and hopefully Romany Malco gets some screen time, I can't get enough of that guy.

Do you think you might check this movie out? Or would you prefer Tina Fey stick to the small screen?

I Am Crappy Movie

Say What? A Thirsty Bitch movie review?! I've been waiting my whole life for this. I hope he reviews a movie that's a month old!

Your wish is granted.

When I had heard all the buzz on the Internet about 18 months ago about an I am Legend movie, I decided to pick up Richard Matheson's 1954 novel of the same name. For a work of science fiction over 50 years old, it holds up surprisingly well. It's tense, smart and chilling. I enjoyed it, but I didn't love it. This made me feel like I could handle whatever dreck Hollywood was preparing to throw at me without getting my hopes up only to be let down.

Then, there was the trailer...

This caused me to thoroughly geek out. It looked like Cast Away meets 28 Days Later. My hopes began to grow like a well maintained Chia Pet ( callback, Holla!). Seriously though, the marketing team for this movie did a great job; the trailers and the TV were fantastic and really built excitement for the movie, so by the time I got a chance to check it out, I was really stoked for it.

When I finally got a chance to see it, I rushed out of work in order to make the 9:30 show. I got there just in time to catch the right amount of the looping trivia and commercials they show beforehand and by the time the lights dimmed for the 20 minutes of trailers, there was little that could prepare for this shitty trailer...

What the hell, Hayden? But I guess it only makes sense that they would eventually start making superhero movies not based on comic books, see also this piece of crap...

Yeah, I hate people, too, but I digress...

The movie began with about 20 minutes of production logos, but once the actual movie started playing I was grinning from ear to ear, it was exactly the movie I was in the mood for and had expected. Mindless fun, yes, but still fun nonetheless. It was tense, exciting, and a little creepy ( I jumped more than once). I was even able to forgive the terrible CGI creatures that look a little worse than the zombies in Resident Evil.

Then, there was the third Act. Can no one write a third act anymore? I'm sorry, I failed to mention that this movie was written by Akiva Goldsman, one of the biggest hacks in Hollywood. Let me break you down his filmography for you: Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Lost in Space, Practical Magic, and The DaVinci Code.

Yes, he's doing the world a favor by being on strike.

So, like every other movie these days, it totally fell apart at the third act. I don't want to have to put in a spoiler alert, but Akiva Hacksman took the twist from the book and made it shittier. And not interesting. And lame. And I hate him. The movie could've been salvaged, but they added this useless Epilogue which represents everything that's wrong with movies today. Will Smith is too concerned with his bankability to headline a movie with a bleak ending, therefore the movie gets ruined right at the end. And hey by that point, they already have your $10, so who cares?

Since that was too bleak of an ending, here's a happy epilogue for you...

Don't even tell me I am Legend wouldn't have been awesome if that was the last 3 minutes instead.

The Bitch is Back! Thirsty Bitch: Season 2

I know what you've all been thinking,

"Thirsty Bitch has reneged on the agreement that he made with his readers in his very first post!"

And sadly, yes, to a certain extent I did. I could give a list of excuses as to why I haven't posted since September, I even have a couple good ones, but I won't. Instead I'm just going to apologize and ask that you take me back ( c'mon, if I was a hot chick, you wouldn't think twice about it) or I could just pretend that this was a TV show and what you experienced was the hiatus.

Yeah, let's go with that one.

Top 10 Things to Look Forward to In Season Two of Thirsty Bitch:


10. Taking a page out of Aaron Spelling's Playbook, Heather Locklear joins the cast, catfights ensue.

9. Animated musical guests singing to giant anthropomorphic amphibian...just watch the clip...

By the way, you know Davy Jones totally hit that.

8. Own Season 1, Coming soon to DVD and BluRay.

7. A post written by 2 of the 5 writers of Scary Movie, but 2 of the good ones. Of course, I'm only joking... there were no good ones. ZING!

6. Ross and Rachel discover they have feelings for each other and then she puts out on the second date. slut.

5. Live-blogging the season finale of According to Jim.

4. A Special Post to let all of you know..."What's Up... Down There".

3. Roger Clemens will talk to Thirsty Bitch about Brian McNamee and lose his shit again.

2. Posts funnier than this one ( not a big challenge).

1. An animated version of Thirsty Bitch, ala Punky Brewster....

God, I miss that stuff.