I Am Crappy Movie

Say What? A Thirsty Bitch movie review?! I've been waiting my whole life for this. I hope he reviews a movie that's a month old!

Your wish is granted.

When I had heard all the buzz on the Internet about 18 months ago about an I am Legend movie, I decided to pick up Richard Matheson's 1954 novel of the same name. For a work of science fiction over 50 years old, it holds up surprisingly well. It's tense, smart and chilling. I enjoyed it, but I didn't love it. This made me feel like I could handle whatever dreck Hollywood was preparing to throw at me without getting my hopes up only to be let down.

Then, there was the trailer...

This caused me to thoroughly geek out. It looked like Cast Away meets 28 Days Later. My hopes began to grow like a well maintained Chia Pet ( callback, Holla!). Seriously though, the marketing team for this movie did a great job; the trailers and the TV were fantastic and really built excitement for the movie, so by the time I got a chance to check it out, I was really stoked for it.

When I finally got a chance to see it, I rushed out of work in order to make the 9:30 show. I got there just in time to catch the right amount of the looping trivia and commercials they show beforehand and by the time the lights dimmed for the 20 minutes of trailers, there was little that could prepare for this shitty trailer...

What the hell, Hayden? But I guess it only makes sense that they would eventually start making superhero movies not based on comic books, see also this piece of crap...

Yeah, I hate people, too, but I digress...

The movie began with about 20 minutes of production logos, but once the actual movie started playing I was grinning from ear to ear, it was exactly the movie I was in the mood for and had expected. Mindless fun, yes, but still fun nonetheless. It was tense, exciting, and a little creepy ( I jumped more than once). I was even able to forgive the terrible CGI creatures that look a little worse than the zombies in Resident Evil.

Then, there was the third Act. Can no one write a third act anymore? I'm sorry, I failed to mention that this movie was written by Akiva Goldsman, one of the biggest hacks in Hollywood. Let me break you down his filmography for you: Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Lost in Space, Practical Magic, and The DaVinci Code.

Yes, he's doing the world a favor by being on strike.

So, like every other movie these days, it totally fell apart at the third act. I don't want to have to put in a spoiler alert, but Akiva Hacksman took the twist from the book and made it shittier. And not interesting. And lame. And I hate him. The movie could've been salvaged, but they added this useless Epilogue which represents everything that's wrong with movies today. Will Smith is too concerned with his bankability to headline a movie with a bleak ending, therefore the movie gets ruined right at the end. And hey by that point, they already have your $10, so who cares?

Since that was too bleak of an ending, here's a happy epilogue for you...

Don't even tell me I am Legend wouldn't have been awesome if that was the last 3 minutes instead.

I Never Promised You A Chia Garden

From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted a Chia Pet. As a kid, watching the commercial of the mysterious hand molesting the orange animal and then the awesome time lapse of it turning into a genuine bush, I always thought to myself, "How can it get any better than that?" I would run to my parents after each viewing (if you watched the same stuff I did, you saw this at least once every half hour) begging for a Chia to call my own. Now, Chias weren't technically a toy so they were pretty much off my childhood radar whenever I wasn’t watching TV (my attention span has not improved since then). On top of the fact that I don’t think I've ever actually seen one of these things in a store, any Christmas list making with the Sears WishBook would exclude Chia goodness. Making these post-commercial viewing requests pretty much the full extent of my efforts. And My parents would always respond the same way, “ You’re not going to water it and we’re just going to be left with a crusty piece of pottery on the windowsill.” So it goes. Sufficed to say, I didn’t get one, but the closest I would ever came to Chia fulfillment would come many years later, during my senior year of high school.

Word had gotten out to my then girlfriend about my desire for the Chia and she searched frantically for one for me for Christmas (I know this to be fact because she made me stand outside of the stores while she went in and later told me what she was looking for) though she too came across the same problem of finding no store that carried them. I was touched that someone finally made an effort to get me my lifelong dream and much making out was had.

As time would go on, the commercials became less and less frequent and whenever I did catch it, I would be angered that they swayed from the classic animals and added licensed characters like Looney Tunes and Shrek to the Chia menagerie. The final straw was when they released the “Special Edition” Mr. T Chia, they had become a parody of themselves. What was once a marvel of my youth had become a joke on Conan. I’m sure I felt the same way about this as die hard Rolling Stones fans felt when they heard “Wild Horses” in that Ford commercial. The Chias had sunk to Mick Jagger’s level.

The Chia-P’s have now become closely associated to me with disappointment, whenever I am reminded of the beloved pottery that grows, I think back to the times of watching Woody Woodpecker after school, shootin’ some b-ball, and making out in my old Mercury Sable (sorry, I’ll stop now). The simpler times of youth. Heck, I’d probably be considerably less stressed if I took some time out of my day to water a green, bushy ram that sat on my desk.

About now is when You’re asking yourself what any of this has to do with anything, and rightfully so. My lifelong quest for a chia pet has brought me to where I am today, in hopes that I can seed the pottery of the Internet in order to blossom a pet of my own (man, was it hard to word that to not sound like a bad sexual innuendo). The reason my parents would give me for not getting me one was that I wouldn’t water it and it would just be a waste. They were probably right, I probably never would’ve watered it and there would’ve just been a crusty piece of pottery sitting on the windowsill. Well, I am gonna do my best to water this b-boy and hopefully, it will grow. So, without further ado, I present to you, “thirsty bitch, the bloggery that grows (blows).”

CUE: Growing Pains Theme.