Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Wanting to Do.

Before you all get into an uproar, No, Rihanna did not make this list. I simply wanted to start us off with some hotness before we dive in to all of the uglies that we are going to see today.

Special Thanks to everyone who voted, I had a fun time watching the polls, and if the post you voted for didn't win, just sit tight, it'll show up, eventually.

Now, on to the always gratuitus explanation of the Top Ten. Have you ever been watching TV with some buddies and they start ripping on some ugly chick that pops up? We've all been there. Have you ever thought, during these times, "She's not so bad," but were too ashamed to say anything?
Well, don't feel ashamed anymore. We're gonna march all of these Uglies out into the open and shout from the rooftops:

"Yes! Yes, I would!"

So, lets all get ready to come out of the non-gay closet with the Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Wanting to Do:

10. She-Hulk.
Yeah, she's green.
Let's get past that shall we. Its 2007, and if I still live in a world that discriminates against a beautiful woman because of the color of her skin, than whats even the point? Besides I think she's a lawyer, so she must be pretty smart, and apparently she's into physical fitness and judging from the picture on the left, she's also a cowgirl. If she's half as good as Brad from Hey Dude! than I'd say she's one hell of a catch.



9. Meg White.
Man, are we topical over at Thirsty Bitch.
I went through a period of not seeing any redeeming qualities in Meg White, and then all of a sudden, like a 6th grader coming back from summer vacation and discovering something was different I thought, "She ain't bad." That grew into a full on crush.
Meg White?
Ain't nothing wrong with that.


8. Kirsten Dunst.
I'm sorry to admit that this one is a case of peer pressure.
I always thought Dunst was really hot, and then blog after blog kept referring to her as the fug, and then I started thinking to myself,
"Lord, she is kinda fug."
That, piled on top of pictures like this one where she looks like any second she's gonna start peeing on the sidewalk like some crazy old lady I saw once, all equals a good ol' fashioned guilty pleasure fug.


7. Fergie.
Yikes.
I don't totally understand why she's famous. I went to an all boy's school with about 1200 dudes that all kinda bear a striking resemblance to her. Then again, her body is pretty amazing, and if i know anything about women's bodies...

I really don't.



6. Fergie.
Sorry.
Easy Joke.
Moving On...








5. Nancy Grace.
What a feisty bitch.
She does have spunk, though. Plus, she's pregnant so you know she puts out. Also, watching her give Trebek hell on Jeopardy gains major points in my book.

4. Mindy Cohn.
Poor Natalie. She got a bad rap for being "the fat one", but as I've pointed out earlier, no one on that show was attractive. Besides, Natalie may have had the biggest waist, but she also had the biggest heart.
Where I'm from, we call that character.
Character goes a long way...
But then it can get you killed.
By the way, I'm from the streets.


3. Kathy Griffin.
We are really topical.
Kathy Griffin is really funny and that goes a long way. Apparently so far that I can't even think of anything sarcastic to say about her. But if you ever catch her reality show you'll see that she's a really down to earth person and not even that ugly.






2. Helena Bonham Carter from Planet of the Apes.
Hmmmm.
Perhaps I should've kept this one to myself.









1. The View.
Oh, you so know it.
This isn't even limited to the members in the photo. I'll take any cast member from any period of the show for a crazy makeout session. Mainly because then it would be real fun to watch them fight about it afterward.
Let Your freak flag fly!

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Possible Top 10's.

We're always striving to break down barriers here, so in an effort to make this blog a little more interactive, we're gonna try to do something a little different this week. I'm gonna give you 10 possible future Top 10 lists, you vote on the one you want in the poll on the right, and whichever one wins, will be the Top 10 list for next week. If you are reading this, please vote, it takes nothing and is just good ol' fashioned fun. Here are your choices:

10. Top 10 Post- Saved By the Bell Projects.
We all loved Saved By the Bell, everything the cast did afterwards, not so much. Here we will make fun of them.

9. Top 10 People that Don't Have Careers Anymore.
The annals of history are filled with people that rose to fame quickly and then vanished without a trace, here we will make a study of some of the best ones.

8. Top 10 Well Choreographed Music Videos.
We all love a good Top 10 with video clips, and we all love some fine dancing. Let's combine them.

7. Top 10 Girls Who Will not Date Me.
A study of love and all the girls that don't want to have anything to do with me.

6. Top 10 Supervillains that Probably Would've Caused the Apocalypse in Real Life by now.
Some of those guys are just way too evil.

5. Top 10 Performances by Non-Actors.
Maybe its a puppet or a cartoon, or maybe its a really well used prop. Let's discuss.

4. Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't feel Guilty about Wanting to Do.
It's not crass, its guilty pleasures, some ugly girls are hot. Case Closed.

3. Top 10 Superheroes That Might be Gay ( Not that theres anything wrong with that).
A simple discussion on some of the guys that wear the tights because they simply make them feel good.

2. Top 10 Decent Performances by Otherwise Crappy Actors.
Look, if you perform a lot of movies and TV, eventually you're gonna knock a role out of the park. These will be the best.

1. Top 10 Sequels that No One Asked For.
Ever see a commercial for a sequel that made you think, "Why'd they make another one of those?" Exactly. We'll rip those apart.

Rock the Vote.

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Commandments.

The other day, I found myself having a profound movie going experience. I saw The Ten, and it was amazing. Since it doesn't have the widest release in the world, let me break it down for those of you that haven't heard of it. The film takes the 10 Commandments and made 10 comedic vignettes about them, occasionally tying them together with recurring characters, lines, etc. And if that doesn't get you to hand over $10, Paul Rudd "hosts" the movie. Cha-ching.

I loved the movie so much, I thought that I would pay tribute here to the original Top 10 list. So get ready to kick it Sunday style, The Top 10 Commandments:

10. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath holy.
This is a tough one, tough to keep as a child, harder to keep now. Especially since I work every Sunday. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
Hey, you see a girl walking down the street, she passes you. You turn around. Bam! Covet. The Internet has not made this one any easier.

8. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's goods.
Hey, your friend has a really nice big HDTV in his house. Bam! Covet.

7. Thou Shalt not commit adultery.
Hey, you see a girl walking down the street, she passes you. You turn around. Bam! Adultery... I know. They covered all the bases.

6. Thou shalt not steal.
I would say this is the only one on the list that I broke more as a child than as an adult. Hi-C used to give away X-men pogs in the big cases at the supermarket. The pogs were positioned in such a way that you can just reach your hand into the box and slide them out. I would spend a half hour in the juice aisle wreaking havoc on every box of Hi-C I could. This is a morality tale though, as one day when my parents came back from the store, they had bought me a case of Hi-C, just so I could get the X-men pogs from it. Of course, there were none.

5. Thou Shalt not use the Lord's name in vain.
This one used to be so easy. I never cursed that much. In my old age, however, I know sounds like a sailor with a piece of shrapnel stuck in his spine. I'd say I break this one at least every hour.

4. Thou Shalt not bear false witness.
Fancy way of saying not to lie, worded in an obsolete vernacular to make you think that lying didn't make the list and is actually ok. If I recall correctly though, teachers told us that white lies were not included, which doesn't make sense that there would be a loophole in the ten commandments.

3. Thou Shalt not have other gods before me.
This is a tricky one, to the untrained eye you're all like cool, another one we can scratch off the list, I'm not gonna build a throne to Xantar, the lord of the cosmos, but this one has been updated a little bit to include holding things too important. I'm looking at you, American Idol fans. Its right there in the title...Idol.

2. Thou shalt not kill.
This one was always viewed as something of a freebie in school. Whenever this one was mentioned it was like,"I'm never gonna kill anyone, scratch this off the list!" But, seriously, don't kill anyone... especially me. Even if its as a goof.

1. Honor thy Father and Mother.
Look, this one just makes good sense. Simple matter of respect, 'nuff said.

This is much funnier than the post was...

The Monster Within.

Dear Abby,
I want to write to you before I accidentally hurt any of my loved ones. I have a terrible addiction that I've never told anyone about. Even as I write this, I am struggling to get the words out. There's no way to sugarcoat it, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. I feast on the blood of the innocent. I know that this sounds crazy, but it is not a hoax. Unfortunately, I suffer from vampirism. This is not a lifestyle choice, but a heriditary illness. I come from a long line of Eastern European nobility, and its a large part of my birthright.I have been able to keep my bloodlust a secret from all my friendly neighbors in the community that I live in, if they found out they would surely tell me how to get lost.

In order to keep myself in control, I had started counting to 10 whenever I craved blood. This worked for a while, but found it became more effective when I would count the things around me. This has given me focus for over 30 years of my addiction, but now feel that its effectiveness is wearing off. Theres only so many times I can count my cat's kittens or baseballs, before I start to realize how much I want to taste the hot, sweet blood of the countless children that inhabit my street. Fortunately, the only victim, thus far, has been my poor cat, Fatatita.

I had been counting my Hummel figurines when she walked by and I began counting the pints of blood I could drain from her. Afterwards, all I could count were my tears. Please help me before I kill again.

Signed,
Scared on Sesame.

Top 10 Tuesday: Top 10 Actresses Playing Characters Hotter Than They Are.

Boy, that sure is a mouthful. Not as succinct as usual, eh? Let me explain; We have been lied to by the media for years. Have you ever been watching a TV show or Movie and seen an actress that just made you yell at the screen, "She ain't all that!" I used to do this all the time, I had to stop though when I started doing it on the streets. Well, anyway here are the Top 10 Actresses that are not as hot as the character they were playing.

10. Mena Suvari - American Beauty.
When I think of a Lolita character, I oft think of billboard-esque foreheads. What the hell? Kevin Spacey's character would have to really be insane to contemplate statutory rape with this chick, since afterword she would probably write "I've just been violated" on her forehead. Cut to montage of people around the world finding this info out solely by reading her forehead.


9. Eva Longoria - Desperate Housewives.
Her character is a formal model and she's a midget. By the way, the picture on the left is her. If I saw that coming at me, I would throw a burlap sack over it and beat it with a hockey stick until it stopped twitching. Then, someone would be like, "Is this the lovechild of J-Lo and Rumpelstiltskin?" And I would have to reply, "Maybe, children...maybe."


8. Judith Light - Who's the Boss?
Sigh, No wonder it took Tony 8 years to tap this. I've never had such tendencies, but Tony Danza is a good lookin' guy and to this day he probably still reels in women that make Judith Light look like the crazy old cat lady that she is.






7. Lisa Whelchel - The Facts of Life.
Much like most of America, I was tricked into thinking that Blair was really hot. Sadly, in retrospect, this was a mis truth. They just filled the show with so many other fugs, that when you saw a blond, your brain registered "Hot". You've failed me again, brain.


6. Mayim Bialik - Blossom.
Was these really the best casting decision? I mean its not even like Ben on Growing Pains that started out as a cute little kid and then grew into an awkward fug. Blossom was even fug as a kid, you know how hard it is for a kid to be fug? I bet Ted from Hey Dude stole some of her older brother's barbiturates just to be able to look at her everyday.



5. Sharon Stone - Basic Instinct 2.
You know why no one saw Basic Instinct 2? For the same reason that you don't go looking for a sex tape of your parents. Hopefully, studios learned that promising that an 80 year old woman will get naked in a movie is only gonna make "Who's Your Caddy" the No. 1 movie in the country. BTW, is there a word for a cougar, past their prime? Hyena? Let's get it started.



4. Tori Spelling - 90210
There was a very good reason why her character was a virgin for 95% of the show's run. Oh sure, she'd say it was by choice, but we all knew the truth. Donna Martin Graduates, my ass.


3. Sarah Jessica Parker - Pick a role.
Y'know how you always hear guys say things like, "I would love to have an hour alone with Jessica Alba?" You know why they never say that about Sarah Jessica Parker? Because no one wants to. Matthew Broderick probably holds a razor an inch away from his wrists every single night and then thinks about how much fun it was to sing "Danka Shane" in the big parade, smiles, and remembers how good life can be sometimes. When he's not tending to his "husbandly duties", that is. That shit is gross.

2. Rosie O' Donnell - The Flinstones
What the ef? Betty Rubble was such a fine piece and they go and go and cast this for the live action movie. I mean Geez, I can spit and hit 48 chicks that look more like Betty than this uggo. I hate this world.


1. Kellie S. Williams - Family Matters.
This was the entire inspiration for this list. Urkel was ready to slit his wrists for Laura Winslow and she refused him at every pass. Well, she was a big steaming pile of fug and should've jumped at the chance to not die alone. Look what happened to Myra...ouch. too soon?

And in keeping with the theme, a little musical outro...

Top 10 Reasons I Haven't Been Posting.

I know that all of you have been concerned about my well being since I teased you all with an awesome blog and then slowly disappeared into obscurity. Well here I am to let you know that nothing has happened to me, I am as safe as houses ( what does that mean? what if your house gets broken into? not too safe, huh?). And not only do I have a good excuse for my absence, I have 10...

10. Been trying to help Steven Seagal resurrect his career.

9. I've been staying up late watching all 3 hours of Big Brother After Dark looking for nudity, of which there has been none, but isn't that guy Dick a big jerk? and whats the deal with Danielle? Did anyone catch the episode where she was making a big deal about ska? Hey, 1998 called, they want their music back.

8. I've been flying back and forth from New York to San Diego dealing Oxycontin to Owen Wilson.....too soon?

7. Finally getting to work on those Golden Girls DVDs. Rue McClenahan, you are a national treasure.

6. Working hard on a spec script that combines the universes of Lord of the Rings with Star Wars. Get it? They have swords... and spaceships! Its a can't miss, I bet there are geeks lining up with their $10 already.

5. Perfecting Time Travel.

4. Working on my 2-Man Standup act with Matt LeBlanc. We are gonna take Open-Mic Night like a freakin' hurricane.

3. Why won't Brad Garrett return my phone calls?

2. While at my sister's wedding, I awoke one morning to Paul Giamatti singing "Hello, Its Me" from Duets. I've been working really hard to get it out of my head.

1. Trying to stop Moose & Squirrel.

Tale of the Tape

1987; those were crazy times for all of us. I was a young lad that didn't know jack about baseball, but had a ton of baseball cards, regardless. In my vast collection of cards about a game I knew nothing about. Was a Topps card for some dude in a green shirt named Jose Canseco. I didn't care about this though, my real passion lie in G.I. Joe's.

I only had a handful of those magical little 3.75" toys, but my neighbor Jonathan had a ton. One day we proposed a trade, the Jose Canseco card in exchange for a dozen Real American Heroes.

Later on in life, I began to wonder if this was foolish. So, call up your bookies and lets finally put this to rest, shall we?

CANSECO: First player to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a season.
G.I. JOE: Opened up the world of playing with dolls to boys.
ADVANTAGE: Canseco.

G.I. JOE: Kung-Fu Grip.
CANSECO: Accused of Domestic Battery by first wife.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

Whew. This is gonna be a real horse race.

G.I. JOE: Continuously fights to defeat the Cobra forces.
CANSECO: Continuously fights to make a buck.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.


CANSECO:
G.I. JOE:
ADVANTAGE: Draw.

CANSECO: Became a joke after needing Tommy John surgery following an inning of pitching.
G.I. JOE: Virtually indestructible as long as you don't leave them in the pool like I did.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

CANSECO: Appeared on VH1's "The Surreal Life"
G.I. JOE: May or may not support the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy.
ADVANTAGE: Draw.

CANSECO: Has a book where he claims that he brought steroids into baseball and names the names of other players involved with steroids.
G.I. JOE: Has a comic book which is just good, clean fun.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

OUTCOME: Canseco-1, Joe-4, Draw- 2.

Wow, that was intense, hope you didn't lose too much money betting on this one. Well, if you bet on Canseco against the Real American Hero, perhaps you deserve to lose your shirt. I hope we all learned something here today.....

Ummm, let me know what that is, ok?

Top 10 Music Videos to Brighten Your Day.

It’s a rare occasion that I have to be into work early on a Monday and since tomorrow is one of these rare occasions, I thought I’d give back to all the hard working people in the world and help you combat that bad case of the Mondays. Let me set you at ease before you continue on, nowhere on this list is Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” I’d like to think this list compiles some less obvious and much less annoying choices for videos that just put a smile on your face and a tingling in your tummy.



10.Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches.
This is a good pick for a number 10 because this video will either brighten your day or give you nightmares for the next 2 weeks. This is one of my favorite videos and I'm confident that the shear originality of the clip will get you going, plus its got a beat...and a ghost chorus. At 2:16 is probably the greatest moment in music video history.


9.Buddy Holly by Weezer.
Ok, maybe this one is a little obvious, but c'mon, this video has it all; a catchy tune, Pat Morita, and Fonzy dancing like a Russian schoolgirl. After a few minutes with Anson Williams, you'll swear you were back in 1993.

Weezer - Buddy Holly (from Arnold's)
Uploaded by Sumfortyan

8.Humpty Dance by The Digital Underground.
This is probably the greatest song ever. I have no idea what happened to this guy or why he's not still rapping, but I guess if you can have a group of ladies hold the mic for you while you rhyme, everything else is just gravy. If anyone knows where I can go to a club like this, please let me know immediately.

Digital underground humpty dance
Uploaded by oublierleracismeskyblog

7.Can't Tell Me Nothin' by Kanye West.
Zach Galifinakis is hysterical. He barely even does anything here and thats pretty much whats so funny. I had a tough time choosing between this video and Fiona Apple's "Not About Love", but Galifinakis gets the job done here moreso than in the Apple clip. You get bonus points if you can keep a straight face when Kanye name checks the Cosbys and Hillman.


6.Gay Bar by Electric Six.
I happen to know for a fact that the Lincoln administration was exactly like this. Lincoln filled his cabinet with physically fit, look-alike bodyguards as a safety measure…it didn’t work. Enjoy the awkward homosexual innuendos!


5.Around the World by Daft Punk.
You can't have a list of music videos without a little Michael Gondry. This is another one of my all time favorite videos, based mostly on the fact that I think the song is pretty boring, but the video is so much damned fun I'll watch it just to get my dancing robot fix for the day. BTW, if anyone wants to get together and dress up in these costumes and dance, I'm game.


4.It’s Oh So Quiet by Bjork
I think most anyone can relate to this video. To feel so nuts for someone that you just feel like your life was one big Technicolor musical. Its ok, I know I've wanted to dance with strangers in the streets more than once...I gotta quit drinkin'. I bet this is also very similar to the feeling of coming out of the closet. Either/or.


3.Today by Smashing Pumpkins
The music video that introduced me and the world to my fav band. The ol’ Corgan sarcasm makes this one of the most misinterpreted songs of the 90’s, but everything about the video is straightforward; say "to hell" with your job and go off and have some fun. This video gets points for having something of an actual story arc. Also, it should be noted that James Iha in a dress is still one of the most confusing things from my youth. Much like the others, if anyone wants to stage a recreation...


2.The Nature Anthem by Grandaddy.
If this video doesn’t warm your soul, you’ve probably already sold it to Satan. By the time the children’s chorus kicks in you should be ready to grab an animal costume and go backpacking in the woods. Not only does it entertain, it teaches. I think this video does it for me because it reminds me of that old Winnie the Pooh show with the actors in bad costumes.


1.Call Me Al by Paul Simon.
I can watch Paul Simon’s facial expressions in this all day. Theres something else very interesting that happens here; without doing much, these two give the impression of being best friends, which serves the song perfectly. This video is also historic because it marks the last time that Chevy Chase did something funny.

Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al
Uploaded by manon42

Well, thats what I put together. Honorable mentions to "Big Me", "Here it Goes", "Weapon of Choice", and "Groove is in the Heart." I really hope I did my part to brighten your day. Let me know if I left off any videos that put a smile on your face.

Friend or Foe?

Dear Abby,

I'm afraid that I have a serious problem and I wanted to seek your advice first before I contact the appropriate authorities. My wife unfortunately passed away several years ago and so I invited her brother and a good friend from my youth to move in and help me with the raising of my three young daughters during this very difficult time for me. This arrangement worked out well for a while, but as time went on and my wounds began to heal, I started to become wary of my "old friend." At first,I just thought that he was being loving to my daughters during a tough time, but now I feel that his intentions are much more sinister.

You see, he has what would be referred to as a "Peter Pan complex", and at first I thought that this was just his way of connecting with the children, but by bringing himself down to their level, it is hard for the girls to see him as an adult and mistake him for a peer. You can imagine the disastrous possibilities of this. I've also insisted several times that he make the girls call him, "Uncle", a request that has gone ignored, this only adds to my fears. He's also constantly inviting the girls downstairs to the basement to "listen to new cartoon impressions" that he's been "working on." That's another thing, His official employment is that of a "standup comedian", but he has not gotten paid to do this as long as I can remember, making him a strain on me mentally and financially. His love life is virtually non-existent. He'll meet a nice girl, but ultimately scare her off with his immaturity and love of footsy pajamas. I can't help but wonder if its solely his immaturity or is he simply not very attracted to women his own age?

I teach the girls to be affectionate, but I'm afraid that my friend may be enjoying their hugs too much. I pray I am not too late.

- Suspicious in San Francisco

Delusions of Grandeur.

Rocking out. We’ve all done it. Some more than others. Got the place all to your self. Crank the music up. It'll start innocently enough. Your neck starts to groove to the tune. Then, the classically inevitable feet taps. Oh yeah, you’re getting into it. Maybe you lose control of your arms and hit the ol’ imaginary drums. Remember those foot taps? Now they’re turning into steps. Your arms go to your sides and form a rudimentary guitar. Don’t you dare hold back. You form that left hand into what may very well could be a chord(Sure, why not? That might be a chord) and strum your little heart out. Don’t forget the solo. Now, most people stop there. The lame people. Go for it.

Change the chords, move up and down the neck. Step up to the mic. Now is your time to shine. Those thousands of people paid $200 to Ticketmaster to hear you so you'd better start singing along. (Oooh, not too loud, the neighbors didn't pay anything.) There ya go, that soft falsetto whisper is enough to convince you that you should have a record deal, but not loud enough for anyone to be able to disagree with you. Now you're free to sing your little Styx lovin' heart out. Here comes the solo. Look over at the bass player, he gives you a nod as if to say, "Go for it, duder." He always says duder, it drives you nuts, but you guys have been good friends since childhood. Sure you had that rocky period when you both went to different high schools, but you remembered the rockin' good times and now you don't just rock together, you roll together.

What are we waiting for?! This solo isn't gonna play itself! Start that b-boy up. Make sure you bring your chord hand and strumming hand together real close. Turn this mother out. Make some awkward faces that could easily be confused for your O-face, but right now that's your "Oh, I almost can't handle all the ROCK-face." OWN IT. Walk over to the rhythm guitarist, you two do that thing. Um, y'know...when you two look at each others guitars like you're not sure what to play next. There ya go. Cocky bastard. The two of you are constantly butting heads. He's always like, "Why can't we put some of the songs that I write on the album." And your all like, "Cus they suuuuuuck!" The measly 60,000 copies his solo album sold backed you up on that one, but when he showed his true colors as a friend when you were in rehab. Friends like that are hard to find. You may not always see eye to eye, but neither did Lennon/McCartney. You two can be the next Lennon/McCartney! Far out.

Sounds like this solo is wrapping up so that means its time to rock out that last chorus. You have a choice here between clapping your hands over your head or holding the mic out to the audience for them to sing along. I like to go with the clapping. If anyone wanted to hear the audience sing, they'd be putting the asses in the seats, not you.

Great set. Walk off the stage and listen to the sweet sounds of all those people not just wanting you, but wanting to be you. What a great feeling.

Oh wait. That's not the crowd calling, that's my Mom. Man, do I need to get my own place.

What's your favorite song to rock out to?

Dr. Career: RVJ Edition

What to do, What to do if you’re Reginald Vel Johnson? They replace your Harriet, Urkel gives up acting, and Bruce Willis loses your number. Well, fear not, RVJ, we are gonna solve the whole Reggie J mess with my “8 Simple Rules For Resurrecting the Vel.”:

1. 4 words: Dancing With the Stars. You may not even need the next 7 steps after this one. Have you seen what its done for people? Mario Lopez, Joey Lawrence, are you really gonna debate me on this? Sure its definition of “Stars” is loose, but if you’re not a star going into that show, I’ll be damned if you’re not a star coming out of it.

2. Get a recurring role on According to Jim. Nothing fancy, just get some people saying, “isn’t that Carl Winslow?” again. This should be pretty easy since you’re already pretty cozy with ABC and because Jim Belushi is a whore. But America loves him, and soon they are going to love his new bowling partner, “Duncan” (there seems to be a trend of giving African American characters on TV terrible names…I’m not a racist).

3. Viral Video: You and Pauly Shore do something stupid( lip sync a b-52’s song, perhaps) and curse a ton. At some point take off your shirt. Hip Young Audience, meet RVJ.

4. Good, now that America is starting to warm up to the star of everyone’s favorite Pefect Strangers spinoff, its time to show off your range a little bit. Now, this step is gonna be a little tricky, so I’ve added a familiar twist. You’ll still be playing a cop, but this time you’re playing a cop on…Big Love. You find out the secret of the Henrickson clan and threaten to turn them in unless they make it a fivesome. Oh yeah. Feel free to toss in some innuendos about the title, maybe even show a little RVJ backside, it worked for Franz.

5. Start making the rounds at some clubs, y’know, be seen mixing it up with all the young foxes and hounds of Hollywood. Get your picture in a couple of papers with Ashton and Demi ( let Bruce know where your loyalties lie). How about an adorable pic of you and Britney shaving each others heads (too soon)? They’re gonna love the new Reggie V. Johnson.

6. Of course, rehab. All the big stars are doing it. You’re no exception. I don’t care if you’re not addicted to anything, you get addicted, damn it! Besides some cocaine will help you shed some pounds so you’ll be all set for later.

7. Join a trendy religion, Scientology has a bad rap so that would leave you with the kaballah, make sure you wave at photo ops with your bracelet hand. This step is probably a good time to distance yourself from those crazies starting the Church of Veljohnsonism ( I wish I made that up, but its true).

8. This is it. What you’ve worked so hard for. You get yourself a part in big summer action movie. You don’t need Bruce, he couldn’t even open against a cartoon. You’re the star now. Cast Bow Wow as your sidekick just to stick it to Jaleel White. Maybe even throw Mark-Linn Baker a role just to show people you know how to keep it real.

And if all else fails, one word: sextape.

Top 10 Embarrassingly Bad Guys

Ok, ok. I'm a geek. Now that we got that out of the way we can all move on with our lives and the important issues of this post. There are way too many "villains" (and I use that term very loosely) that repeatedly get the crap beaten out of them by "superheroes" when they can easily be detained by any nearby police officer/ 8 year old girl. These so called "heroes" should be embarrassed to be seen laying a hand on any of these people, and maybe today we'll learn who the real heroes are.

10. Catwoman.
Hero: Batman.
Before any people get on me for sexism, Catwoman makes this list not just because she's a woman, but mainly because she's Batman's girlfriend. And he beats the crap out of her. Does this sound like a healthy relationship at all?
"Hey, honey, how was your day?"
"Not bad, robbed a bank."
"What?!"
SMACK!
Its called domestic battery, and I'm shocked at Batman. Hero? Not in my book.


9. The Blob.
Hero: X-Men.
perhaps I'm a little sensitive to the Blob, because we're both overweight, but gimme a break here. Look at this guy! The X-men look like a team of bloody bodybuilders going up against the kid that was picked last in gym. The Blob is also another character that gets such fantastic dialog as, "I'm the Blob!" on loop until he gets knocked back to Wendy's where he has to cry in his Frosty...alone. Have a friggin' heart, X-Men, the world has enough Anti-Fatites (give it time, it'll catch on). Who's next on your hit list of hate? Santa?




8.Solomon Grundy.
Hero: Green Lantern.
I'm gonna start off by saying that if you're named after a nursery rhyme, you're probably not going to appear too threatening to people. Secondly, if all you do is walk around reciting said nursery rhyme, even less threatening. If I started calling myself Little Miss Muffet and went around talking about eating my curds and whey (WTF is whey, anyways?) it probably wouldn't be long before I had plenty of quiet time, if you know what I mean. Now, you might be thinking that he gets points for being a zombie, but guess what? I've seen a bunch of zombie movies and thats normal people taking on like hundreds of zombies. None of them have superpowers. Whats the matter, Green Lantern? One zombie too much for you? Maybe all that cool jewelery is weighing you down. Why don't you grow a pair and shoot him in the head?


7. Boomerang
Hero: Spider-Man
Its like they weren't even trying sometimes. As you can guess from his name and costume, this guy throws boomerangs. I can't offer you much more than that. Obviously, he's an Australian, but wait a minute, he was a Major League Pitcher too! Get it? Thats why he can throw the boomerangs! Genius! So essentially, on the danger scale, this guy is as dangerous to you as if I was playing fetch with my dog and you walked in the middle and got hit by the stick. Of course, Spider-man would then come down and say something lame like "Caught in my Web of Justice!"


6.Gorilla Grodd.
Hero: The Flash.
I'm no animal activist, I enjoy a nice steak every now and then, but this is pushing it. Just because you give an animal an alliterative last name doesn't mean its ok pound on it for an hour because you suspect it was about to rob a bank. "Hey, Look! crossing the street! Its Squirrel Samson! He must be about to rob that house." ::Sarcastic glare over at The Flash:: To think of all the good that Diane Fosse did for these gentle creatures and then one gets loose and The Flash uses it as a punching bag. I bet whenever Gorilla Grodd isn't around, the Flash heads over to the arctic and clubs some baby seals. Jeez, what a DB.


5. The Big Wheel
Hero: Spider-Man
WTF?! Words fail.










4. Lex Luthor.
Hero: Superman.
Superman can do anything, he can fly, has unlimited strength, impermeable skin, so of course it makes total sense that his greatest foe is a shady real estate man. This is horrible. The only reason why Lex Luthor still exists is because of tradition; his character was created sometime in the mid 1700s. Superman's villain should be some giant vampire robot that spits acid. Or I guess a guy who wants to flip real estate. Either or. The next time you see a house for sale and there's one of those signs with the picture of the guy selling it, imagine Superman pounding on him. I know. I hate Superman too.


3.The Rat King.
Hero: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Ok, Ninja Turtles, you have a lot of weird villains, but none more embarrassing than the Rat King. The Rat King, in a nutshell, is a homeless man who lives in the sewers and likes to talk to rats, so much so that he named himself their king. Now, I wasn't a major in criminology, but I fail to see where the crime is here. Perhaps, the real crime is the system that prevents this man from being able to get a job and a home that doesn't have raw sewage running through it. If he did ever attack the Turtles it was probably because they were homing in on his turf and if I've learned anything, its that you don't mess with a homeless rodent monarch's sewage real estate. Lesson learned.


2.The Riddler.
Hero: Batman.
The Riddler is a pretty obvious choice to rank high on this list because he barely even qualifies as a villain. He has all the superpowers of a 12 year old with a new activity book. I used to love those things, I would run around the house telling everyone all the jokes and riddles I was learning. I guess I was lucky that Batman never showed up and kicked my ass. If anything, the Riddler is just confused about how the whole crime thing is supposed to work. Does it even count as a crime if you're going to tell Batman about it beforehand? If anything, he's working on the side of justice. In reality, the Police force would probably give him a medal for all he's done in the crime prevention field. Cut to all the cops palling around with The Riddler ( or "T-Riddy" as they'd call him for short) while Batman is on the outside looking in, shedding a tear as he wishes he could do as much for Gotham as Riddler has.



1.The Vulture.
Hero: Spider-Man.
What the crap, Spider-man? This guy is older than dirt. Oh, and did I mention that he has cancer? Yeah, he does. Hey, Spidey what do you say you and me cruise by Mt. Sinai with a couple of baseball bats and give those cancer patients a special delivery of pain. God damn it, for a guy that cried like a little girl with a skinned knee when his uncle died, you sure don't have any trouble beating the snot out of someone's great grandfather. That doesn't even look like a Villain's costume, he probably dressed up for Halloween to pass out candy and Spider-Man was all like, "Look! that man with the breathing tube is too close to the children! He must be stopped!" Go to hell.

I Never Promised You A Chia Garden

From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted a Chia Pet. As a kid, watching the commercial of the mysterious hand molesting the orange animal and then the awesome time lapse of it turning into a genuine bush, I always thought to myself, "How can it get any better than that?" I would run to my parents after each viewing (if you watched the same stuff I did, you saw this at least once every half hour) begging for a Chia to call my own. Now, Chias weren't technically a toy so they were pretty much off my childhood radar whenever I wasn’t watching TV (my attention span has not improved since then). On top of the fact that I don’t think I've ever actually seen one of these things in a store, any Christmas list making with the Sears WishBook would exclude Chia goodness. Making these post-commercial viewing requests pretty much the full extent of my efforts. And My parents would always respond the same way, “ You’re not going to water it and we’re just going to be left with a crusty piece of pottery on the windowsill.” So it goes. Sufficed to say, I didn’t get one, but the closest I would ever came to Chia fulfillment would come many years later, during my senior year of high school.

Word had gotten out to my then girlfriend about my desire for the Chia and she searched frantically for one for me for Christmas (I know this to be fact because she made me stand outside of the stores while she went in and later told me what she was looking for) though she too came across the same problem of finding no store that carried them. I was touched that someone finally made an effort to get me my lifelong dream and much making out was had.

As time would go on, the commercials became less and less frequent and whenever I did catch it, I would be angered that they swayed from the classic animals and added licensed characters like Looney Tunes and Shrek to the Chia menagerie. The final straw was when they released the “Special Edition” Mr. T Chia, they had become a parody of themselves. What was once a marvel of my youth had become a joke on Conan. I’m sure I felt the same way about this as die hard Rolling Stones fans felt when they heard “Wild Horses” in that Ford commercial. The Chias had sunk to Mick Jagger’s level.

The Chia-P’s have now become closely associated to me with disappointment, whenever I am reminded of the beloved pottery that grows, I think back to the times of watching Woody Woodpecker after school, shootin’ some b-ball, and making out in my old Mercury Sable (sorry, I’ll stop now). The simpler times of youth. Heck, I’d probably be considerably less stressed if I took some time out of my day to water a green, bushy ram that sat on my desk.

About now is when You’re asking yourself what any of this has to do with anything, and rightfully so. My lifelong quest for a chia pet has brought me to where I am today, in hopes that I can seed the pottery of the Internet in order to blossom a pet of my own (man, was it hard to word that to not sound like a bad sexual innuendo). The reason my parents would give me for not getting me one was that I wouldn’t water it and it would just be a waste. They were probably right, I probably never would’ve watered it and there would’ve just been a crusty piece of pottery sitting on the windowsill. Well, I am gonna do my best to water this b-boy and hopefully, it will grow. So, without further ado, I present to you, “thirsty bitch, the bloggery that grows (blows).”

CUE: Growing Pains Theme.