Top 10 Tuesday: Top 10 Actresses Playing Characters Hotter Than They Are.

Boy, that sure is a mouthful. Not as succinct as usual, eh? Let me explain; We have been lied to by the media for years. Have you ever been watching a TV show or Movie and seen an actress that just made you yell at the screen, "She ain't all that!" I used to do this all the time, I had to stop though when I started doing it on the streets. Well, anyway here are the Top 10 Actresses that are not as hot as the character they were playing.

10. Mena Suvari - American Beauty.
When I think of a Lolita character, I oft think of billboard-esque foreheads. What the hell? Kevin Spacey's character would have to really be insane to contemplate statutory rape with this chick, since afterword she would probably write "I've just been violated" on her forehead. Cut to montage of people around the world finding this info out solely by reading her forehead.


9. Eva Longoria - Desperate Housewives.
Her character is a formal model and she's a midget. By the way, the picture on the left is her. If I saw that coming at me, I would throw a burlap sack over it and beat it with a hockey stick until it stopped twitching. Then, someone would be like, "Is this the lovechild of J-Lo and Rumpelstiltskin?" And I would have to reply, "Maybe, children...maybe."


8. Judith Light - Who's the Boss?
Sigh, No wonder it took Tony 8 years to tap this. I've never had such tendencies, but Tony Danza is a good lookin' guy and to this day he probably still reels in women that make Judith Light look like the crazy old cat lady that she is.






7. Lisa Whelchel - The Facts of Life.
Much like most of America, I was tricked into thinking that Blair was really hot. Sadly, in retrospect, this was a mis truth. They just filled the show with so many other fugs, that when you saw a blond, your brain registered "Hot". You've failed me again, brain.


6. Mayim Bialik - Blossom.
Was these really the best casting decision? I mean its not even like Ben on Growing Pains that started out as a cute little kid and then grew into an awkward fug. Blossom was even fug as a kid, you know how hard it is for a kid to be fug? I bet Ted from Hey Dude stole some of her older brother's barbiturates just to be able to look at her everyday.



5. Sharon Stone - Basic Instinct 2.
You know why no one saw Basic Instinct 2? For the same reason that you don't go looking for a sex tape of your parents. Hopefully, studios learned that promising that an 80 year old woman will get naked in a movie is only gonna make "Who's Your Caddy" the No. 1 movie in the country. BTW, is there a word for a cougar, past their prime? Hyena? Let's get it started.



4. Tori Spelling - 90210
There was a very good reason why her character was a virgin for 95% of the show's run. Oh sure, she'd say it was by choice, but we all knew the truth. Donna Martin Graduates, my ass.


3. Sarah Jessica Parker - Pick a role.
Y'know how you always hear guys say things like, "I would love to have an hour alone with Jessica Alba?" You know why they never say that about Sarah Jessica Parker? Because no one wants to. Matthew Broderick probably holds a razor an inch away from his wrists every single night and then thinks about how much fun it was to sing "Danka Shane" in the big parade, smiles, and remembers how good life can be sometimes. When he's not tending to his "husbandly duties", that is. That shit is gross.

2. Rosie O' Donnell - The Flinstones
What the ef? Betty Rubble was such a fine piece and they go and go and cast this for the live action movie. I mean Geez, I can spit and hit 48 chicks that look more like Betty than this uggo. I hate this world.


1. Kellie S. Williams - Family Matters.
This was the entire inspiration for this list. Urkel was ready to slit his wrists for Laura Winslow and she refused him at every pass. Well, she was a big steaming pile of fug and should've jumped at the chance to not die alone. Look what happened to Myra...ouch. too soon?

And in keeping with the theme, a little musical outro...