Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Top 10 Signs You Live in Gotham City

Even as a young boy, thumbing through the pages of Batman Comics, I would often stop to ask myself, "Why would anyone ever want to live in Gotham City?,” and it is a question that I still wonder to this day. I mean, every time my brother bloggers (broggers?) write a list of the worst fictional towns, Gotham always finds itself on the list, while its sister city Metropolis always gets a free pass. So, to help everyone out, here are the Top 10 Signs that you may be living in Gotham City.

10. Chance of Crime is 100%
What does that mean? It means that crime is always going on! Constantly. Unending. It means that if you were reading a newspaper with the headline, "Crime Rate Soars" and wanted to read more, by the time you open the paper you are disheartened to learn someone has stolen your paper - along with your pants…and your wife…and your dignity.

9. It’s Never Sunny in Gotham.
Yes, it may seem that it's always sunny in Metropolis, but there is very little proof that the sun comes up everyday in Gotham City. Adam West's Batman loved the daylight, which is a really big contradiction when you think about it. Bats don't come out during the light, so why should Batman? One of my favorite moments from The Dark Knight was when Bruce Wayne refused to go out as Batman during the day, because it was so true to the comics. I can't remember the last time I saw Gotham bathed in sunlight the way Metropolis is in the pages of any of the Bat-comics. Huh, bat-comics, there's an idea for an improv troupe.

8. Two Words: Solomon Grundy.

7. Acid Doesn’t Kill You, It Makes You Stronger.
Only in Gotham City are giant vats of corrosive acid readily available and regularly used as a weapon. For instance, one of the origins of the Joker has him falling into acid, only to emerge as a deformed clown. In the comics, Two-Face’s face is scarred when acid is thrown at one side of his face. This is not the way the world works. Comic books are full of things that should make you dead making you awesome instead, and Gotham is no exception.

6. Incompetent Police Department.
Really though, those guys do nothing. I guess I can’t blame them, if I had a city job and someone was doing my job for me, I would probably stop trying as well. In actuality, Batman would give the Gotham PD much more work since he completely destroys Due Process and therefore they need to work twice as hard for a conviction.

5.No One Seems to Care That a Multi-Millionaire Bachelor has Adopted a Teenage Boy.
Can you even do that? Is it legal? It doesn't make sense that they just deliver pubescent boys to grown men. I'm concerned about this paragraph just being on here. Pretty soon this blog is gonna be crawling with pederasts that did a search for "deliver pubescent boys to grown men." Yikes, now it’s on here twice. Let's just move on. Really though, he’s not even adopting a baby, or a toddler, or a tot, but a 13 year old boy. In reality, people would talk about this...a lot...all the time…Jay Leno monologues every night. At the very least, this would make it into several papers and be talked about on the news for weeks. This is worse than Michael Jackson building a theme park in his backyard, at least Jacko never flat out adopted himself a boy-toy. Or did he?

4. The Mayor Can't Help But Get Kidnapped.
Ho Ho, that crazy pervert mayor. He just loves getting kidnapped, well he must since there’s no other reason to think anybody , let alone a mayor, could accidentally get kidnapped so many times.

3. No Prison, Just a Very Low Security Insane Asylum.
Extremely low security. Like no locks on the doors and if you're escaping they call you a taxi. This, like the mayor getting kidnapped, is one of those things that you think would eventually get fixed, but no, it's not the biggest deal in the world that there's a revolving door on the only place you have to keep your criminals.

2. This Guy is in Charge:
1. Crime rate constantly soaring, being held at the whim of a madmen, water supply poisoned, but lets not move yet. That’s right, the biggest sign that you are a Gotham City resident is that all this stuff is going on and you haven’t moved you and your family yet. C’mon, people move to someplace a little safer, a little more protected, a little brighter, a little more Metropolis.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Breaking: Red Sox Nation Refuses Invite to Join NATO

In what most people are calling a slap in the face to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, Red Sox Nation flat out refused an invitation to join this week. Red Sox Nation would have been the 27th member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, but instead caused a worldwide furor by refusing the invitation. An invite to Organization means you are recognized as a peace-loving state, however many now believe Red Sox Nation to be just the opposite. Upon refusal, a special committee was formed in order to investigate the goings on of the “New Red Menace.”

Head of this special committee, the representative from Latvia, had this to say, “We are looking into the hostile Nation of Red Sox from top to bottom, from the gross misspelling of the word “socks” to what appears to be their religion of worshiping a giant puppet deity they call Wally- “the green monster. We have found out that they are harboring two Japanese agents - Matsuzaka and Okajima - and one from the Dominican Republic, Ramon Ramirez - the latter not seen as a threat. We find all of these things to be very suspect and we hope ex-patriot, Manny Ramirez, will cooperate with us and be helpful in determining whether or not there are any WMDs.”

When asked for comment, President of Red Sox Nation, Jerry Remy had this to say:

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, we’re not even a real country! It's a Baseball team for chrissakes!”
Apparently not, Mr. President, apparently not.

No word yet on whether or not NASA is considering recognizing Yankees Universe.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Week in Review, 4.3.09

We hit something of a milestone here today at Thirsty Bitch. This is our 8th post in 2009, surpassing the number of posts we had in 2008. Hard to believe, but we've done it. Thanks for stopping by and please keep stopping by.

This week, we got a big hunk of info on the upcoming Spider-Man musical, ahem, excuse me, a "circus rock-'n'-roll drama" is what they would prefer you call it. I think they're trying to invoke Cirque Du Soleil, but all that "circus rock-'n'-roll drama" invokes for me is a vision of a guitar-wielding clown atop an elephant threatening to kill all the puppies in the world. This is what the statement had to say about who Spidey will be going up against:

As Spider-Man, Peter clashes with a parade of Marvel villains -- Green Goblin, Carnage, Electro, Rhino, Swarm and Lizard... a new baddie for the show -- Swiss Miss, whose costume, designed by Oscar winner Eiko Ishioka ("Bram Stoker's Dracula"), consists of rotating knives and swirling corkscrews.
You had me and you lost me. Some of his biggest villains a chick named after both a Hot Chocolate and a utility knife. I hope Polish Sausage doesn't show up or worse yet, The French Tickler.

President Obama Visited the Queen this week. His gift to the Queen? A video Ipod filled with photos and media of her 2007 visit to the US. Her gift? A framed photo of her and her husband. Really? What type of thoughtless crap gift is that? I know this woman is old, but at least give a rational grandma gift like some sweaters or an afghan. If I was Obama, I would've gone 1776 on her and jabbed her in the throat. Then he could say something historically meaningful like, "No taxation without representation, ...bitch"

I found out about this pretty cool contest over at Dunkin' Donuts where you can create your own doughnut and enter it in a contest to win $12,000. Pretty fun just to play around with, but if this works out well for DD, don't be surprised if you see a slew of other companies following suit. Burger King's "Make Your Own Burger", Domino's "Make Your Own Pizza", KFC's "Create a Chicken Skin," Who Knows? Hey, fast food places, I can already do all of those things...in my kitchen. We turn to you to do the heavy lifting, don't just toss the ball back in our court like that. Douchebags. Well, anyway, here's one of the donuts I made...The Thirsty Bitch.

We also got our first look at the Sacha Baron Cohen's Borat follow-up, Bruno. They released a red-band trailer just a few days after the film got saddled with a NC-17 rating. I did enjoy Borat, but I didn't see it in the theater and I'll probably catch this flick when it "hits disc" (it'll catch on). What I didn't enjoy was all the Bankers and douchebags that walked around saying "Very Nice!" It was like Austin Powers all over again, yet somehow worse...much worse. Anyways, check out the trailer below. (NSFW, if you're the one person reading this from their work)

Finally, last thing on the plate for today is the birthday of everybody's favorite Baldwin, Alec. I gotta admit, I never cared for him much as a movie star, but he really gets it done on the small screen. Alec had a string of really funny appearance on SNL in the 90s and then he knocks it out of the park every week on 30 Rock. Of course, anyone who's ever seen Glengarry Glen Ross, will remember his monologue, which we will sign off with here today. Happy Birthday, Alec!

Thursday, April 02, 2009

A/V Club Thursday: Children's Hospital.

This week's A/V pick is not going to be a favorite with everybody. We're going with the Web Series Children's Hospital for today, which consists of a veritable Comedy Dream Team. If you know more than three names in this cast, this is definitely for you; Rob Corddry, Lake Bell, Ken Marino (“The State,” “Veronica Mars”), Rob Huebel (“Human Giant,” “The Awful Truth”), Jason Sudeikis (“Saturday Night Live”), David Wain (“Role Models,” “The State”), Nathan Corddry (“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,” “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”), Ed Helms (“The Office”), Nick Kroll (upcoming feature “I Love You, Man”) and Megan Mullally (“Will & Grace”) as The Chief. Being a big fan of "Wet Hot American Summer" and "The Ten" this show really did it for me and I hope it does it for you too. Enjoy!

Let me know what you thought!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Top 10 Signs You Are Running Out of Top 10 Ideas.

I gotta tell ya, it is exhausting coming up with these lists time and time again. If only I could be like David Letterman and stop caring if they are even remotely funny, but alas, I hold myself to a higher comedic standard and my punishment is waking up every night in a cold sweat next to an empty bottle of vodka in a strange room, scribbling the number 10 on things as if i were Jim Carrey in a crappy movie, or the worst of all...writing a BS top ten, in lieu of having to think too hard. So, without further ado, I present:

Top 10 Signs you are running out of Top 10 List Ideas:

10. You contemplate writing the Top 10 Celebrity Names, but can't think of anything else to top Edward James Olmos and Lou Diamond Phillips.

9. The Only Top 10 Idea left in your notes is "Top 10 Ways to get through the Writer's Strike"

8. What Would Dennis Miller Do?

7. You find yourself frantically browsing through Netflix, looking for any possible link between any 10 movies.

6. Top 10 Moments in Brad Garrett history, anyone? Can't decide if that would be laughably simple or impossibly hard (He was fantastic in No Country for Old Men).

5. I got it, The Top 10 Commandments! oh, we did that one already.

4. Hang on, I'm gonna go play on the Internet for a little while...

3. People...like...sports, right?...or kids....maybe the elderly, they're like kids. Perhaps sports between kids and the elderly...


1. "If there is a Top 10 List you would like to see, go ahead and leave your idea in the comments."

Monday, March 30, 2009

NBC Admits to Passing Old Law & Order Reruns as New!

In what will truly go down as a day that will live in infamy, we learned today that NBC mega-hit Law & Order has in fact been airing repeats and passing them off as new. Complaints first started pouring in when one viewer tuned in to find Jerry Orbach solving crimes on the long-running show. Still more complaints flooded in when an episode touted as being "Ripped from the headlines" featured two defendants bearing a striking resemblance to the Menendez brothers. NBC C.E.O., Jeff Zucker held a press conference to address these issues.

"I guess it all started when he had our summer rerun campaign of 'If you haven't seen it, its new to you!' We started thinking, there's been so many episodes of Law & Order, no one could've possibly seen all them. Looks like we were wrong and it was those losers that have seen them all that sold us out. Thanks a lot, ya nerds."

Actress Angie Harmon, who hadn't filmed a "new" episode since 2001, had this to say when reached for comment, "Whoo-Hoo! I'm relevant again! I can't wait to get my residual check for this so I can finally buy that tuna fish sandwich I've had on layaway!" Unfortunately, not every cast member shares in Harmon's jubilance. Benjiman Bratt was quoted as, "I hate you, Julia Roberts! You ruined my life! I'm sorry...I still love you, take me back!"

People for the Ethical Treatment of the Elderly, or PETE as I like to call them, are also up in arms over NBC's deception. We got a chance to catch up with Tobey Murti, a spokesman for PETE;
"What the eff, NBC? You know no one under the age of 50 watches Law & Order. This is clearly taking advantage of the poor memory of the elderly. Do you know some viewers thought they were in heaven because they were seeing Jerry Orbach? It took hours of convincing for them to realize they were alive." It should also be noted that this is not the first time Mr. Murti has had a run in with the long-running NBC crime show. "We've been trying to get them to change that transition DUN-DUN sound for years. It frightens the elderly terribly."

Authorities are looking further into this situation, including investigating episodes of ER and CSI.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Week in Review, 3.27.09

  • This week it was announced that Drummer Jimmy Chamberlain would be leaving the Smashing Pumpkins. At first, some were speculating that it was due to illness, but yesterday Chamberlain cleared the air on his blog, writing:
    "I will say, without going into any unnecessary details that this represents a positive move forward for me. I can no longer commit all of my energy into something that I don’t fully possess. I won’t pretend I’m into something I’m not. I won’t do it to myself, you the fan, or my former partner. I can’t just, “Cash the check” so to speak. Music is my life. It is sacred. It deserves the highest commitment at every level and the Pumpkins are certainly no different. I’m sorry but it really IS that simple."
Simple? That sounds like you have some issues, dude. Not that I really blame him. As much of a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins as I am, I believe every story I've ever read about Billy Corgan being an insufferable prick. Little known fact about Billy Corgan: he used to date Courtney Love and one night they had a fight. Courtney stormed out and ran to Kurt Cobain's place and they formed their relationship. Soooo, all the people that blame Courtney Love for Cobain's death can look right to Mr. Corgan.

  • This week the individual game tickets went on sale for the New Yankee Stadium. I can't even describe how excited I was. I crept down the stairs at the break of dawn like a little kid on Christmas. I turned on my computer and did a search for the first game against the Boston Red Sox. "I can't believe it!," I exclaimed, there were still tickets available. "Two tickets for the best available section, please.", I asked my computer. Then, two really good seats behind 3rd base came up. I had to rub my eyes, I was in disbelief. Fortunately, after I rubbed my eyes, I was able to see that the Steinbrenner's were asking me to pay $1,000 to go to a game on a Monday night in May. Hey, Jackoffs, when you're on FOX one Saturday afternoon, the entire country is going to see the entire Lower Section empty and all the noe bleed seats packed to capacity. Now that I think about it, can the engineering of the stadium even withhold an event like that? Probably not. I say condemn that place now. But on a serious note, we put up with the $8 beers and the $7 hot dogs and we played along. As for myself, no matter how rich I become I will never pay several hundred dollars to go to a regular season game. Even more ridiculous is the current state of the economy and how far home theaters have come. Congratulations on being the Douchebags of the Week, Yankee Brass.

  • We got our first real look at a long gestating project this week, the "Where the Wild Things Are movie. I liked the book as a child, didn't love it, didn't own it, but I was intrigued enough at the prospect of a live action version of it, even moreso when it was announced it would be written by Dave Eggers and Directed by Spike Jonze. Personally, I think it looks pretty cool, but I am keeping my excitement at bay because of the rumors of trouble, delays, and reshoots. Check it out:

  • Today is the birthday of one of the best filmmakers alive today, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. I've been a big fan for a while. Heck, I'm even a big fan of True Romance. So, we here at Thirsty Bitch would like to raise our glass and wish him a very Happy Birthday. To help us further celebrate here is Quentin fighting with some idiot in a hat.

I love how she keeps talking to anchors at the end and they're just acting like when your crazy old aunt is talking crazy and you just kinda look around so no one can link you to the crazy argument they're making. Good times, but to wash that awkwardness out of our mouth, here's the trailer for Tarantino's upcoming, Inglorious Basterds:

It's been a wild week back, folks, thanks to everyone who stopped by. See you Monday!