Dr. Career: RVJ Edition

What to do, What to do if you’re Reginald Vel Johnson? They replace your Harriet, Urkel gives up acting, and Bruce Willis loses your number. Well, fear not, RVJ, we are gonna solve the whole Reggie J mess with my “8 Simple Rules For Resurrecting the Vel.”:

1. 4 words: Dancing With the Stars. You may not even need the next 7 steps after this one. Have you seen what its done for people? Mario Lopez, Joey Lawrence, are you really gonna debate me on this? Sure its definition of “Stars” is loose, but if you’re not a star going into that show, I’ll be damned if you’re not a star coming out of it.

2. Get a recurring role on According to Jim. Nothing fancy, just get some people saying, “isn’t that Carl Winslow?” again. This should be pretty easy since you’re already pretty cozy with ABC and because Jim Belushi is a whore. But America loves him, and soon they are going to love his new bowling partner, “Duncan” (there seems to be a trend of giving African American characters on TV terrible names…I’m not a racist).

3. Viral Video: You and Pauly Shore do something stupid( lip sync a b-52’s song, perhaps) and curse a ton. At some point take off your shirt. Hip Young Audience, meet RVJ.

4. Good, now that America is starting to warm up to the star of everyone’s favorite Pefect Strangers spinoff, its time to show off your range a little bit. Now, this step is gonna be a little tricky, so I’ve added a familiar twist. You’ll still be playing a cop, but this time you’re playing a cop on…Big Love. You find out the secret of the Henrickson clan and threaten to turn them in unless they make it a fivesome. Oh yeah. Feel free to toss in some innuendos about the title, maybe even show a little RVJ backside, it worked for Franz.

5. Start making the rounds at some clubs, y’know, be seen mixing it up with all the young foxes and hounds of Hollywood. Get your picture in a couple of papers with Ashton and Demi ( let Bruce know where your loyalties lie). How about an adorable pic of you and Britney shaving each others heads (too soon)? They’re gonna love the new Reggie V. Johnson.

6. Of course, rehab. All the big stars are doing it. You’re no exception. I don’t care if you’re not addicted to anything, you get addicted, damn it! Besides some cocaine will help you shed some pounds so you’ll be all set for later.

7. Join a trendy religion, Scientology has a bad rap so that would leave you with the kaballah, make sure you wave at photo ops with your bracelet hand. This step is probably a good time to distance yourself from those crazies starting the Church of Veljohnsonism ( I wish I made that up, but its true).

8. This is it. What you’ve worked so hard for. You get yourself a part in big summer action movie. You don’t need Bruce, he couldn’t even open against a cartoon. You’re the star now. Cast Bow Wow as your sidekick just to stick it to Jaleel White. Maybe even throw Mark-Linn Baker a role just to show people you know how to keep it real.

And if all else fails, one word: sextape.