Thirsty Bitch Honors...

With the overwhelming responses I got from my triumphant return I wanted to take this opportunity to keep the butts in the seats, so to speak, so I asked myself, "What does everyone love?"
Answer: Awards Shows. But then I could only think of one person truly deserving of such an honor.
Cue: sentimental music.

Once in a while, a person a comes along and captures a nation. Rarer still, is the person who comes along and captures the entire world. Today we honor such a man, who's contributions to the landscape of our civilization are not only innumerable, but priceless as well. A man who gives, but does not take.

Thirsty Bitch Lifetime Achievement Award
Honors
Steven Seagal

It all started one night when my dad was watching television and I heard him laughing hysterically. Thinking, he may be watching something worthwhile, I walked in to find a guy with a ponytail kicking the ever loving crap out of a bar full of people with a billiard ball whilst inquiring, "Why did Richie do Bobbie Lupo?" The movie was Out for Justice, and it has since been passed up by the AFI for their hundred greatest films...twice.
My love started to blossom.
Next, we were so taken by this Steven Seagal character that we ordered Under Siege on Pay-Per-View and taped it. The action was ok, but this movie contained the first boobs I ever saw.
I watched that Under Siege tape about 382 times between the ages of 10-13.
Then, his career started to taper off. I saw Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and On Deadly Ground in the theater and they left me cold. There was no Bobby, no billiards, and sadly, no boobies. After this, Seagal went on a string of movies that either teamed him up with someone else (Keenan Wayons, Ja Rule, etc.) or that went straight to video, or both. In fairness, I haven't seen any of these latter efforts, but mainly because I'm not a glutton for punishment.

It's a little upsetting that the action stars of our youth have been shuffled aside. I'm sure if Siggy were actually accepting this award, he would share it with Dolph Lungdren, Jean-Claude VanDamme, and even Sylvester Stallone.

I'd like to close out this tribute by sharing the anecdote of Seagal's talking dog, courtesy of wikipedia, the most reliable source ever.

While being interviewed by PETA, Seagal was asked to provide an example of a special interaction with an animal. To lend context and meaning to his animal rights work, Seagal offered the story about a dog which approached him during his early aikido years in Japan. Seagal described feeling as if he had known this white dog forever. After keeping the dog for a few days, the dog (by barking) warned Seagal that his dojo was on fire. Seagal quickly summoned help to put out the fire. He never saw the dog again.

And of course, no lifetime achievement award would be complete without a retrospective montage, so here goes...

By the way, he was also tappin' Kelly LeBrock for like a decade.
Nice.