I gotta tell ya, it is exhausting coming up with these lists time and time again. If only I could be like David Letterman and stop caring if they are even remotely funny, but alas, I hold myself to a higher comedic standard and my punishment is waking up every night in a cold sweat next to an empty bottle of vodka in a strange room, scribbling the number 10 on things as if i were Jim Carrey in a crappy movie, or the worst of all...writing a BS top ten, in lieu of having to think too hard. So, without further ado, I present:
Top 10 Signs you are running out of Top 10 List Ideas:
10. You contemplate writing the Top 10 Celebrity Names, but can't think of anything else to top Edward James Olmos and Lou Diamond Phillips.
9. The Only Top 10 Idea left in your notes is "Top 10 Ways to get through the Writer's Strike"
8. What Would Dennis Miller Do?
7. You find yourself frantically browsing through Netflix, looking for any possible link between any 10 movies.
6. Top 10 Moments in Brad Garrett history, anyone? Can't decide if that would be laughably simple or impossibly hard (He was fantastic in No Country for Old Men).
5. I got it, The Top 10 Commandments! oh, we did that one already.
4. Hang on, I'm gonna go play on the Internet for a little while...
3. People...like...sports, right?...or kids....maybe the elderly, they're like kids. Perhaps sports between kids and the elderly...
2.
1. "If there is a Top 10 List you would like to see, go ahead and leave your idea in the comments."
In what will truly go down as a day that will live in infamy, we learned today that NBC mega-hit Law & Order has in fact been airing repeats and passing them off as new. Complaints first started pouring in when one viewer tuned in to find Jerry Orbach solving crimes on the long-running show. Still more complaints flooded in when an episode touted as being "Ripped from the headlines" featured two defendants bearing a striking resemblance to the Menendez brothers. NBC C.E.O., Jeff Zucker held a press conference to address these issues.
"I guess it all started when he had our summer rerun campaign of 'If you haven't seen it, its new to you!' We started thinking, there's been so many episodes of Law & Order, no one could've possibly seen all them. Looks like we were wrong and it was those losers that have seen them all that sold us out. Thanks a lot, ya nerds."
Actress Angie Harmon, who hadn't filmed a "new" episode since 2001, had this to say when reached for comment, "Whoo-Hoo! I'm relevant again! I can't wait to get my residual check for this so I can finally buy that tuna fish sandwich I've had on layaway!" Unfortunately, not every cast member shares in Harmon's jubilance. BenjimanBratt was quoted as, "I hate you, Julia Roberts! You ruined my life! I'm sorry...I still love you, take me back!"
People for the Ethical Treatment of the Elderly, or PETE as I like to call them, are also up in arms over NBC's deception. We got a chance to catch up with Tobey Murti, a spokesman for PETE; "What the eff, NBC? You know no one under the age of 50 watches Law & Order. This is clearly taking advantage of the poor memory of the elderly. Do you know some viewers thought they were in heaven because they were seeing Jerry Orbach? It took hours of convincing for them to realize they were alive." It should also be noted that this is not the first time Mr. Murti has had a run in with the long-running NBC crime show. "We've been trying to get them to change that transition DUN-DUN sound for years. It frightens the elderly terribly."
Authorities are looking further into this situation, including investigating episodes of ER and CSI.
This week it was announced that Drummer Jimmy Chamberlain would be leaving the Smashing Pumpkins. At first, some were speculating that it was due to illness, but yesterday Chamberlain cleared the air on his blog, writing:
"I will say, without going into any unnecessary details that this represents a positive move forward for me. I can no longer commit all of my energy into something that I don’t fully possess. I won’t pretend I’m into something I’m not. I won’t do it to myself, you the fan, or my former partner. I can’t just, “Cash the check” so to speak. Music is my life. It is sacred. It deserves the highest commitment at every level and the Pumpkins are certainly no different. I’m sorry but it really IS that simple."
Simple? That sounds like you have some issues, dude. Not that I really blame him. As much of a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins as I am, I believe every story I've ever read about Billy Corgan being an insufferable prick. Little known fact about Billy Corgan: he used to date Courtney Love and one night they had a fight. Courtney stormed out and ran to Kurt Cobain's place and they formed their relationship. Soooo, all the people that blame Courtney Love for Cobain's death can look right to Mr. Corgan.
This week the individual game tickets went on sale for the New Yankee Stadium. I can't even describe how excited I was. I crept down the stairs at the break of dawn like a little kid on Christmas. I turned on my computer and did a search for the first game against the Boston Red Sox. "I can't believe it!," I exclaimed, there were still tickets available. "Two tickets for the best available section, please.", I asked my computer. Then, two really good seats behind 3rd base came up. I had to rub my eyes, I was in disbelief. Fortunately, after I rubbed my eyes, I was able to see that the Steinbrenner's were asking me to pay $1,000 to go to a game on a Monday night in May. Hey, Jackoffs, when you're on FOX one Saturday afternoon, the entire country is going to see the entire Lower Section empty and all the noe bleed seats packed to capacity. Now that I think about it, can the engineering of the stadium even withhold an event like that? Probably not. I say condemn that place now. But on a serious note, we put up with the $8 beers and the $7 hot dogs and we played along. As for myself, no matter how rich I become I will never pay several hundred dollars to go to a regular season game. Even more ridiculous is the current state of the economy and how far home theaters have come. Congratulations on being the Douchebags of the Week, Yankee Brass.
We got our first real look at a long gestating project this week, the "Where the Wild Things Are movie. I liked the book as a child, didn't love it, didn't own it, but I was intrigued enough at the prospect of a live action version of it, even moreso when it was announced it would be written by Dave Eggers and Directed by Spike Jonze. Personally, I think it looks pretty cool, but I am keeping my excitement at bay because of the rumors of trouble, delays, and reshoots. Check it out:
Today is the birthday of one of the best filmmakers alive today, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. I've been a big fan for a while. Heck, I'm even a big fan of True Romance. So, we here at Thirsty Bitch would like to raise our glass and wish him a very Happy Birthday. To help us further celebrate here is Quentin fighting with some idiot in a hat.
I love how she keeps talking to anchors at the end and they're just acting like when your crazy old aunt is talking crazy and you just kinda look around so no one can link you to the crazy argument they're making. Good times, but to wash that awkwardness out of our mouth, here's the trailer for Tarantino's upcoming, Inglorious Basterds:
It's been a wild week back, folks, thanks to everyone who stopped by. See you Monday!
In an effort to eat up some posts without having to think up too much original content, here is the inaugural "A/V Club Thursday" where I'll post an episode of something you might not know about/remember and you can just laze around and enjoy it.
The Dana Carvey Show didn't really appeal to me when it was on, but I think its freakin' hilarious now. First of all, Steve Carrell is on it and second of all...well, I don't think I really need to promise much more than 1996 Steve Carell, do I? But, this is the type of humor I'm into now, so perhaps I was just thrown off by the fact that every week there was a different sponsor name in the title of the show. Imagine if a sitcom or drama did that? Budweiser Two and a Half Men? Ford 30 Rock? Johnson & Johnson ER? Ok, I take it back, I want to live in that world.
Welcome back, Thirsters (Don't worry, it'll catch on). As usual, today's Top 10 is pretty specific. This is not a list of the 10 Worst Sequels, but considers the sequels that were made for no apparent reason. Whether, the first movie was decent, but closed off the story in a satisfying manner or a crappy movie that illogically got sequelized. Let's throw this in the oven, see if it bakes.
10. Speed 2: Cruise Control. Cheesey Sequel Tagline:Rush hour hits the water. Ok, so I'm bending the rules a little bit already. A lot of people would have been fine with a sequel to Speed. However, they dropped the ball and couldn't entice Keanu Reeves back. While Reeves alone did not make the first movie good, not having him back created apathy for the sequel. As a result, the sequel that cost over 5 times the original budget, made a little bit more than 25% of the original's gross and became a punchline. Oh, by the way, they did manage to bring this guy back for the sequel. I don't know how they managed to pull him away from losing auditions to Wesley Snipes, but by god they did it. If you get a second, you NEED to read his IMDB page, he obviously wrote it himself. Sample! "On a foundation of talent, unbridled dedication and a passionate mindset, Glenn Plummer has enjoyed a successful acting career that spans almost two decades." Wow, Shitty Roles for Two Whole Decades!? You're a freakin' soldier! 9.Beyond the Poseidon Adventure. Cheesey Sequel Tagline: The greatest adventure story ever filmed... is not yet over. Looks like we're sticking with the nautical theme here for a bit. This sequel, in particular, seems to just kick logic in the nads. The first film was about the only survivors of a capsized ship. The sequel was about another group of survivors on the ship. Excuse me, its about a group of Pirates who go on to the already capsized ship, and run into another group of survivors. I briefly considered pairing this movie with Halloween 2, on the grounds that they are both in the category of what I like to call, "Did We Mention...?" Sequels. This is where the story of the sequel picks up where the last movie left off, but with some ridiculous catalyst to get the story going that was never mentioned before. For example, "Did we mention that thoe weren't the only survivors?" Oh, and another characteristic of these kinds of sequel is viewer apathy.
8. SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Cheesey Sequel Tagline: America's favorite talking babies are back! What the hell gives you the right to make a sequel to a movie featuring Dom Deluise and then not have him back for the sequel. Oh, I'm sorry, is Scott Baio supposed to be "good enough," because he is not. I can't say I'm very familiar with either movie, but this screams of being a screenplay someone wrote that had no intention of being a sequel and then some studio head was like, "What if we market it to the fans of Baby Geniuses?" Then Common Sense responed, "There is no such thing." And the Studio Head said, "Sure! They Exist, I seen 'em!" This went on for a while until our hero Common Sense responded at the box office. Seriously though, the first movie was such a joke and then a few years later this comes out and it wasn't a joke anymore, it just made everybody really sad.
7.Blues Brothers 2000. Cheesy Sequel Tagline: The Blues Are Back. I am glad that I'm not friends with Dan Akroyd for many reasons. Mostly, because I bet he'd constantly be trying to convince me that ghosts exist and secondly because if I had any type of legacy, he'd likely try to sell it for a quick buck. It's pretty ballsy to replace a dead member of your comedy duo, but its down right insulting when that member is John Belushi. I happened to notice Kevin Bacon didn't make Animal House 2000, but then again, Kevin Bacon has a drinking game. Do you have a drinking game, Mr. Akroyd? I didn't think so.
6. Return to Oz. Cheesey Sequel Tagline:If there's one thing you must do this summer, it's "Return to Oz..." Here's an idea. Let's take one of the most beloved movies of all time, wait 50 years, take out everything anyone ever enjoyed about the first one, and make it scary enough to induce chronic bed wetting and emotional trauma. Example: I saw this POS when I was about 8 and I vividly remember how creepy those dudes on the roller skates were, that scary moose head, Fairuza Balk's weird looking face, and the scenes at the end where everything is frozen and....uh oh. Oh darn. The mere memory has caused me to soil myself.
5. George W. Bush. Get it? Political Humor! Ahhhhhhhhh!
4. Any Direct to Video Sequel of Any Disney Movie.
These things can really S my D. Not only do they look like they were animated by a bunch of drunken Asian babies, they regularly disregard the original movie. Case in point, what I believe to be the first example of a Disney Direct-to- Video Sequel is The Return of Jafar, a follow-up to Aladdin. For those of you that didn't have a childhood, at the end of the original, Aladdin and Jasmine get married ; making Aladdin a prince and Genie gets freed. The sequel thought it would be much easier to piss all over, make Aladdin still courting Jasmine and keep the Genie enslaved and make him sound like Homer Simpson. Yeah, I'm glad they fired Michael Eisner, too.
3. Dumb and Dumberer/ Son of the Mask/ Ace Ventura Jr. Cheesey Sequel Taglines: Before the first movie, there was high school. They missed the bus./The next generation of mischief./ He's the burping, farting, snorting, spitting image of his dad.
1994 was a good year for a wide-eyed 11 year old kid that thought Jim Carrey was as funny as it gets. In fact, it was a good year for Jim Carrey too, starring in the 3 movies that collectively served as his breakout. Now, no one saw The Mask for all the zany green faced fun. No one saw Dumb and Dumber because they were in the mood for a buddy comedy. And no one saw Ace Ventura because they liked animals. Could people have seen these movies because of Jim Carrey? Certainly not! So lets make some sequels to them without him completely, but we'll make them so long after the originals people won't remember why they liked them in the first place, right? Wrong. These movies were popular because in 1994 you had to see this movies because Jim Carrey was the funniest thing for your ticket money. Without him, these movies are just wastes of time. PS: Your average "ticket money" in 1994 was about $4. I'll let you weep................. Now on with the funny!
2. The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas. Cheesey Sequel Tagline: Get Ready to Rock! This is the movie that was the inspiration for this entire post. I can still remember when I saw an ad for this movie in the paper (I think that's how you found out about movies back then) and thinking to myself, "What made them think people wanted another one of these?" it's a prequel with a completely new cast of people we don't care about, including Alan Cumming who appears in two movies on this list. They do get points for casting the much hotter than Rosie O'Donnell, Jane Krakowski as Betty, or as everyone called her back then, "Who?" Of course they lose even more points for casting everyone's least favorite Baldwin, Stephen, as Barney. What a sad day for the Rubbles, indeed.
1. Basic Instinct 2. Cheesey Sequel Tagline: Everything interesting begins in the mind. Cheesey Sequel Tagline Comeback: So then where did this movie begin, Marketing Department? Gross. I was actually rooting for this movie to make no money the weekend it came out. You can imagine my disappointment when it placed 10th, making only $3 million. Particularly embarrassing for Sharon Stone, considering the movie had to have been made based solely on the presumption that people still wanted to see her naked. Notice how the poster suggests the crotch shot from the first movie, thats no accident. Man, Michael Douglas was working hard on a string of failures at the time this made, but even he didn't want to be associated with the high profile flop everyone knew this would turn out to be. Fail!
Did I leave anything off of the list? Were you really looking forward to any of these movies? Leave me a comment and let me know.
Alright, so it's been a while. A very long while. Welcome to my Mea Culpa. Its a new year, I'm a little older, a little wiser, and looking to get back into the funny business. I know I missed a lot of important Pop Culture events since I've been gone; 3 awesome superhero movies, an entire Presidential Election, and my girlfriend tells me there was an entire show that took place inside George Michael's head... or something like that. I know what most of you are thinking right now:
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone. I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run. You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess. It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'"
No? Hm, thats odd. That's what I'm CONSTANTLY thinking. Let me try again, are you possibly thinking....
Wrong Again, huh? Y'know, this game is no fun if you're just gonna cheat. Alright, what you are probably ALL thinking is...
I'm not gonna get all wrapped up in some more Thirsty Bitch nonsense. He's gonna post for a little bit and then kick us to the curb once again.
Well, try this on for size, Curly Sue. By the time you are reading this, there is already several weeks worth of content waiting to go. You heard me right, you are guaranteed at least a few weeks of blog gold. So with this kind of head start, we're in pretty good shape. And lets face it, this should have no effect on the timeliness of the articles unless the government erases all our memories of the 80's & 90's. Wish all you want, Sean Penn, ain't gonna happen.
So, by all means, leave me a comment letting me know how much you missed how funny I am, join my Facebook group, and check back tomorrow for an all new Top 10 Tuesday.
Oh, I almost forgot. I finally got that Chia Pet. His name is Pesto and he's doing just fine.
I gotta tell ya, it is exhausting coming up with these lists time and time again. If only I could be like David Letterman and stop caring if they are even remotely funny, but alas, I hold myself to a higher comedic standard and my punishment is waking up every night in a cold sweat next to an empty bottle of vodka in a strange room, scribbling the number 10 on things as if i were Jim Carrey in a crappy movie, or the worst of all...writing a BS top ten, in lieu of having to think too hard. So, without further ado, I present:
10. You contemplate writing the Top 10 Celebrity Names, but can't think of anything else to top Edward James Olmos and Lou Diamond Phillips.
8. What Would Dennis Miller Do?
6. Top 10 Moments in Brad Garrett history, anyone? Can't decide if that would be laughably simple or impossibly hard (He was fantastic in No Country for Old Men).
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