Top 10 Sequels...That Nobody Asked For.

Welcome back, Thirsters (Don't worry, it'll catch on). As usual, today's Top 10 is pretty specific. This is not a list of the 10 Worst Sequels, but considers the sequels that were made for no apparent reason. Whether, the first movie was decent, but closed off the story in a satisfying manner or a crappy movie that illogically got sequelized.
Let's throw this in the oven, see if it bakes.

10. Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline:Rush hour hits the water.
Ok, so I'm bending the rules a little bit already. A lot of people would have been fine with a sequel to Speed. However, they dropped the ball and couldn't entice Keanu Reeves back. While Reeves alone did not make the first movie good, not having him back created apathy for the sequel. As a result, the sequel that cost over 5 times the original budget, made a little bit more than 25% of the original's gross and became a punchline. Oh, by the way, they did manage to bring this guy back for the sequel. I don't know how they managed to pull him away from losing auditions to Wesley Snipes, but by god they did it. If you get a second, you NEED to read his IMDB page, he obviously wrote it himself. Sample! "On a foundation of talent, unbridled dedication and a passionate mindset, Glenn Plummer has enjoyed a successful acting career that spans almost two decades." Wow, Shitty Roles for Two Whole Decades!? You're a freakin' soldier!

9.Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: The greatest adventure story ever filmed... is not yet over.
Looks like we're sticking with the nautical theme here for a bit. This sequel, in particular, seems to just kick logic in the nads. The first film was about the only survivors of a capsized ship. The sequel was about another group of survivors on the ship. Excuse me, its about a group of Pirates who go on to the already capsized ship, and run into another group of survivors. I briefly considered pairing this movie with Halloween 2, on the grounds that they are both in the category of what I like to call, "Did We Mention...?" Sequels. This is where the story of the sequel picks up where the last movie left off, but with some ridiculous catalyst to get the story going that was never mentioned before. For example, "Did we mention that thoe weren't the only survivors?" Oh, and another characteristic of these kinds of sequel is viewer apathy.

8. SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: America's favorite talking babies are back!
What the hell gives you the right to make a sequel to a movie featuring Dom Deluise and then not have him back for the sequel. Oh, I'm sorry, is Scott Baio supposed to be "good enough," because he is not. I can't say I'm very familiar with either movie, but this screams of being a screenplay someone wrote that had no intention of being a sequel and then some studio head was like, "What if we market it to the fans of Baby Geniuses?" Then Common Sense responed, "There is no such thing." And the Studio Head said, "Sure! They Exist, I seen 'em!" This went on for a while until our hero Common Sense responded at the box office. Seriously though, the first movie was such a joke and then a few years later this comes out and it wasn't a joke anymore, it just made everybody really sad.



7.Blues Brothers 2000.
Cheesy Sequel Tagline: The Blues Are Back.
I am glad that I'm not friends with Dan Akroyd for many reasons. Mostly, because I bet he'd constantly be trying to convince me that ghosts exist and secondly because if I had any type of legacy, he'd likely try to sell it for a quick buck. It's pretty ballsy to replace a dead member of your comedy duo, but its down right insulting when that member is John Belushi. I happened to notice Kevin Bacon didn't make Animal House 2000, but then again, Kevin Bacon has a drinking game. Do you have a drinking game, Mr. Akroyd? I didn't think so.





6. Return to Oz.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: If there's one thing you must do this summer, it's "Return to Oz..."
Here's an idea. Let's take one of the most beloved movies of all time, wait 50 years, take out everything anyone ever enjoyed about the first one, and make it scary enough to induce chronic bed wetting and emotional trauma. Example: I saw this POS when I was about 8 and I vividly remember how creepy those dudes on the roller skates were, that scary moose head, Fairuza Balk's weird looking face, and the scenes at the end where everything is frozen and....uh oh. Oh darn. The mere memory has caused me to soil myself.






5. George W. Bush.
Get it? Political Humor! Ahhhhhhhhh!










4. Any Direct to Video Sequel of Any Disney Movie.

These things can really S my D. Not only do they look like they were animated by a bunch of drunken Asian babies, they regularly disregard the original movie. Case in point, what I believe to be the first example of a Disney Direct-to- Video Sequel is The Return of Jafar, a follow-up to Aladdin. For those of you that didn't have a childhood, at the end of the original, Aladdin and Jasmine get married ; making Aladdin a prince and Genie gets freed. The sequel thought it would be much easier to piss all over, make Aladdin still courting Jasmine and keep the Genie enslaved and make him sound like Homer Simpson. Yeah, I'm glad they fired Michael Eisner, too.

3. Dumb and Dumberer/ Son of the Mask/ Ace Ventura Jr.
Cheesey Sequel Taglines:
Before the first movie, there was high school. They missed the bus./The next generation of mischief./ He's the burping, farting, snorting, spitting image of his dad.

1994 was a good year for a wide-eyed 11 year old kid that thought Jim Carrey was as funny as it gets. In fact, it was a good year for Jim Carrey too, starring in the 3 movies that collectively served as his breakout. Now, no one saw The Mask for all the zany green faced fun. No one saw Dumb and Dumber because they were in the mood for a buddy comedy. And no one saw Ace Ventura because they liked animals. Could people have seen these movies because of Jim Carrey? Certainly not! So lets make some sequels to them without him completely, but we'll make them so long after the originals people won't remember why they liked them in the first place, right? Wrong. These movies were popular because in 1994 you had to see this movies because Jim Carrey was the funniest thing for your ticket money. Without him, these movies are just wastes of time. PS: Your average "ticket money" in 1994 was about $4. I'll let you weep................. Now on with the funny!

2. The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: Get Ready to Rock!
This is the movie that was the inspiration for this entire post. I can still remember when I saw an ad for this movie in the paper (I think that's how you found out about movies back then) and thinking to myself, "What made them think people wanted another one of these?" it's a prequel with a completely new cast of people we don't care about, including Alan Cumming who appears in two movies on this list. They do get points for casting the much hotter than Rosie O'Donnell, Jane Krakowski as Betty, or as everyone called her back then, "Who?" Of course they lose even more points for casting everyone's least favorite Baldwin, Stephen, as Barney. What a sad day for the Rubbles, indeed.





1. Basic Instinct 2.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: Everything interesting begins in the mind.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline Comeback: So then where did this movie begin, Marketing Department?
Gross. I was actually rooting for this movie to make no money the weekend it came out. You can imagine my disappointment when it placed 10th, making only $3 million. Particularly embarrassing for Sharon Stone, considering the movie had to have been made based solely on the presumption that people still wanted to see her naked. Notice how the poster suggests the crotch shot from the first movie, thats no accident. Man, Michael Douglas was working hard on a string of failures at the time this made, but even he didn't want to be associated with the high profile flop everyone knew this would turn out to be. Fail!

Did I leave anything off of the list? Were you really looking forward to any of these movies? Leave me a comment and let me know.