Top 10 Reasons I Haven't Been Posting.

I know that all of you have been concerned about my well being since I teased you all with an awesome blog and then slowly disappeared into obscurity. Well here I am to let you know that nothing has happened to me, I am as safe as houses ( what does that mean? what if your house gets broken into? not too safe, huh?). And not only do I have a good excuse for my absence, I have 10...

10. Been trying to help Steven Seagal resurrect his career.

9. I've been staying up late watching all 3 hours of Big Brother After Dark looking for nudity, of which there has been none, but isn't that guy Dick a big jerk? and whats the deal with Danielle? Did anyone catch the episode where she was making a big deal about ska? Hey, 1998 called, they want their music back.

8. I've been flying back and forth from New York to San Diego dealing Oxycontin to Owen Wilson.....too soon?

7. Finally getting to work on those Golden Girls DVDs. Rue McClenahan, you are a national treasure.

6. Working hard on a spec script that combines the universes of Lord of the Rings with Star Wars. Get it? They have swords... and spaceships! Its a can't miss, I bet there are geeks lining up with their $10 already.

5. Perfecting Time Travel.

4. Working on my 2-Man Standup act with Matt LeBlanc. We are gonna take Open-Mic Night like a freakin' hurricane.

3. Why won't Brad Garrett return my phone calls?

2. While at my sister's wedding, I awoke one morning to Paul Giamatti singing "Hello, Its Me" from Duets. I've been working really hard to get it out of my head.

1. Trying to stop Moose & Squirrel.

Tale of the Tape

1987; those were crazy times for all of us. I was a young lad that didn't know jack about baseball, but had a ton of baseball cards, regardless. In my vast collection of cards about a game I knew nothing about. Was a Topps card for some dude in a green shirt named Jose Canseco. I didn't care about this though, my real passion lie in G.I. Joe's.

I only had a handful of those magical little 3.75" toys, but my neighbor Jonathan had a ton. One day we proposed a trade, the Jose Canseco card in exchange for a dozen Real American Heroes.

Later on in life, I began to wonder if this was foolish. So, call up your bookies and lets finally put this to rest, shall we?

CANSECO: First player to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a season.
G.I. JOE: Opened up the world of playing with dolls to boys.
ADVANTAGE: Canseco.

G.I. JOE: Kung-Fu Grip.
CANSECO: Accused of Domestic Battery by first wife.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

Whew. This is gonna be a real horse race.

G.I. JOE: Continuously fights to defeat the Cobra forces.
CANSECO: Continuously fights to make a buck.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.


CANSECO:
G.I. JOE:
ADVANTAGE: Draw.

CANSECO: Became a joke after needing Tommy John surgery following an inning of pitching.
G.I. JOE: Virtually indestructible as long as you don't leave them in the pool like I did.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

CANSECO: Appeared on VH1's "The Surreal Life"
G.I. JOE: May or may not support the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy.
ADVANTAGE: Draw.

CANSECO: Has a book where he claims that he brought steroids into baseball and names the names of other players involved with steroids.
G.I. JOE: Has a comic book which is just good, clean fun.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

OUTCOME: Canseco-1, Joe-4, Draw- 2.

Wow, that was intense, hope you didn't lose too much money betting on this one. Well, if you bet on Canseco against the Real American Hero, perhaps you deserve to lose your shirt. I hope we all learned something here today.....

Ummm, let me know what that is, ok?

Top 10 Music Videos to Brighten Your Day.

It’s a rare occasion that I have to be into work early on a Monday and since tomorrow is one of these rare occasions, I thought I’d give back to all the hard working people in the world and help you combat that bad case of the Mondays. Let me set you at ease before you continue on, nowhere on this list is Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” I’d like to think this list compiles some less obvious and much less annoying choices for videos that just put a smile on your face and a tingling in your tummy.



10.Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches.
This is a good pick for a number 10 because this video will either brighten your day or give you nightmares for the next 2 weeks. This is one of my favorite videos and I'm confident that the shear originality of the clip will get you going, plus its got a beat...and a ghost chorus. At 2:16 is probably the greatest moment in music video history.


9.Buddy Holly by Weezer.
Ok, maybe this one is a little obvious, but c'mon, this video has it all; a catchy tune, Pat Morita, and Fonzy dancing like a Russian schoolgirl. After a few minutes with Anson Williams, you'll swear you were back in 1993.

Weezer - Buddy Holly (from Arnold's)
Uploaded by Sumfortyan

8.Humpty Dance by The Digital Underground.
This is probably the greatest song ever. I have no idea what happened to this guy or why he's not still rapping, but I guess if you can have a group of ladies hold the mic for you while you rhyme, everything else is just gravy. If anyone knows where I can go to a club like this, please let me know immediately.

Digital underground humpty dance
Uploaded by oublierleracismeskyblog

7.Can't Tell Me Nothin' by Kanye West.
Zach Galifinakis is hysterical. He barely even does anything here and thats pretty much whats so funny. I had a tough time choosing between this video and Fiona Apple's "Not About Love", but Galifinakis gets the job done here moreso than in the Apple clip. You get bonus points if you can keep a straight face when Kanye name checks the Cosbys and Hillman.


6.Gay Bar by Electric Six.
I happen to know for a fact that the Lincoln administration was exactly like this. Lincoln filled his cabinet with physically fit, look-alike bodyguards as a safety measure…it didn’t work. Enjoy the awkward homosexual innuendos!


5.Around the World by Daft Punk.
You can't have a list of music videos without a little Michael Gondry. This is another one of my all time favorite videos, based mostly on the fact that I think the song is pretty boring, but the video is so much damned fun I'll watch it just to get my dancing robot fix for the day. BTW, if anyone wants to get together and dress up in these costumes and dance, I'm game.


4.It’s Oh So Quiet by Bjork
I think most anyone can relate to this video. To feel so nuts for someone that you just feel like your life was one big Technicolor musical. Its ok, I know I've wanted to dance with strangers in the streets more than once...I gotta quit drinkin'. I bet this is also very similar to the feeling of coming out of the closet. Either/or.


3.Today by Smashing Pumpkins
The music video that introduced me and the world to my fav band. The ol’ Corgan sarcasm makes this one of the most misinterpreted songs of the 90’s, but everything about the video is straightforward; say "to hell" with your job and go off and have some fun. This video gets points for having something of an actual story arc. Also, it should be noted that James Iha in a dress is still one of the most confusing things from my youth. Much like the others, if anyone wants to stage a recreation...


2.The Nature Anthem by Grandaddy.
If this video doesn’t warm your soul, you’ve probably already sold it to Satan. By the time the children’s chorus kicks in you should be ready to grab an animal costume and go backpacking in the woods. Not only does it entertain, it teaches. I think this video does it for me because it reminds me of that old Winnie the Pooh show with the actors in bad costumes.


1.Call Me Al by Paul Simon.
I can watch Paul Simon’s facial expressions in this all day. Theres something else very interesting that happens here; without doing much, these two give the impression of being best friends, which serves the song perfectly. This video is also historic because it marks the last time that Chevy Chase did something funny.

Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al
Uploaded by manon42

Well, thats what I put together. Honorable mentions to "Big Me", "Here it Goes", "Weapon of Choice", and "Groove is in the Heart." I really hope I did my part to brighten your day. Let me know if I left off any videos that put a smile on your face.

Friend or Foe?

Dear Abby,

I'm afraid that I have a serious problem and I wanted to seek your advice first before I contact the appropriate authorities. My wife unfortunately passed away several years ago and so I invited her brother and a good friend from my youth to move in and help me with the raising of my three young daughters during this very difficult time for me. This arrangement worked out well for a while, but as time went on and my wounds began to heal, I started to become wary of my "old friend." At first,I just thought that he was being loving to my daughters during a tough time, but now I feel that his intentions are much more sinister.

You see, he has what would be referred to as a "Peter Pan complex", and at first I thought that this was just his way of connecting with the children, but by bringing himself down to their level, it is hard for the girls to see him as an adult and mistake him for a peer. You can imagine the disastrous possibilities of this. I've also insisted several times that he make the girls call him, "Uncle", a request that has gone ignored, this only adds to my fears. He's also constantly inviting the girls downstairs to the basement to "listen to new cartoon impressions" that he's been "working on." That's another thing, His official employment is that of a "standup comedian", but he has not gotten paid to do this as long as I can remember, making him a strain on me mentally and financially. His love life is virtually non-existent. He'll meet a nice girl, but ultimately scare her off with his immaturity and love of footsy pajamas. I can't help but wonder if its solely his immaturity or is he simply not very attracted to women his own age?

I teach the girls to be affectionate, but I'm afraid that my friend may be enjoying their hugs too much. I pray I am not too late.

- Suspicious in San Francisco