Ok, ok. I'm a geek. Now that we got that out of the way we can all move on with our lives and the important issues of this post. There are way too many "villains" (and I use that term very loosely) that repeatedly get the crap beaten out of them by "superheroes" when they can easily be detained by any nearby police officer/ 8 year old girl. These so called "heroes" should be embarrassed to be seen laying a hand on any of these people, and maybe today we'll learn who the real heroes are.
10. Catwoman.
Hero: Batman.
Before any people get on me for sexism, Catwoman makes this list not just because she's a woman, but mainly because she's Batman's girlfriend. And he beats the crap out of her. Does this sound like a healthy relationship at all?
"Hey, honey, how was your day?"
"Not bad, robbed a bank."
"What?!"
SMACK!
Its called domestic battery, and I'm shocked at Batman. Hero? Not in my book.
9. The Blob.
Hero: X-Men.
perhaps I'm a little sensitive to the Blob, because we're both overweight, but gimme a break here. Look at this guy! The X-men look like a team of bloody bodybuilders going up against the kid that was picked last in gym. The Blob is also another character that gets such fantastic dialog as, "I'm the Blob!" on loop until he gets knocked back to Wendy's where he has to cry in his Frosty...alone. Have a friggin' heart, X-Men, the world has enough Anti-Fatites (give it time, it'll catch on). Who's next on your hit list of hate? Santa?
8.Solomon Grundy.
Hero: Green Lantern.
I'm gonna start off by saying that if you're named after a nursery rhyme, you're probably not going to appear too threatening to people. Secondly, if all you do is walk around reciting said nursery rhyme, even less threatening. If I started calling myself Little Miss Muffet and went around talking about eating my curds and whey (WTF is whey, anyways?) it probably wouldn't be long before I had plenty of quiet time, if you know what I mean. Now, you might be thinking that he gets points for being a zombie, but guess what? I've seen a bunch of zombie movies and thats normal people taking on like hundreds of zombies. None of them have superpowers. Whats the matter, Green Lantern? One zombie too much for you? Maybe all that cool jewelery is weighing you down. Why don't you grow a pair and shoot him in the head?
7. Boomerang
Hero: Spider-Man
Its like they weren't even trying sometimes. As you can guess from his name and costume, this guy throws boomerangs. I can't offer you much more than that. Obviously, he's an Australian, but wait a minute, he was a Major League Pitcher too! Get it? Thats why he can throw the boomerangs! Genius! So essentially, on the danger scale, this guy is as dangerous to you as if I was playing fetch with my dog and you walked in the middle and got hit by the stick. Of course, Spider-man would then come down and say something lame like "Caught in my Web of Justice!"
6.Gorilla Grodd.
Hero: The Flash.
I'm no animal activist, I enjoy a nice steak every now and then, but this is pushing it. Just because you give an animal an alliterative last name doesn't mean its ok pound on it for an hour because you suspect it was about to rob a bank. "Hey, Look! crossing the street! Its Squirrel Samson! He must be about to rob that house." ::Sarcastic glare over at The Flash:: To think of all the good that Diane Fosse did for these gentle creatures and then one gets loose and The Flash uses it as a punching bag. I bet whenever Gorilla Grodd isn't around, the Flash heads over to the arctic and clubs some baby seals. Jeez, what a DB.
5. The Big Wheel
Hero: Spider-Man
WTF?! Words fail.
4. Lex Luthor.
Hero: Superman.
Superman can do anything, he can fly, has unlimited strength, impermeable skin, so of course it makes total sense that his greatest foe is a shady real estate man. This is horrible. The only reason why Lex Luthor still exists is because of tradition; his character was created sometime in the mid 1700s. Superman's villain should be some giant vampire robot that spits acid. Or I guess a guy who wants to flip real estate. Either or. The next time you see a house for sale and there's one of those signs with the picture of the guy selling it, imagine Superman pounding on him. I know. I hate Superman too.
3.The Rat King.
Hero: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Ok, Ninja Turtles, you have a lot of weird villains, but none more embarrassing than the Rat King. The Rat King, in a nutshell, is a homeless man who lives in the sewers and likes to talk to rats, so much so that he named himself their king. Now, I wasn't a major in criminology, but I fail to see where the crime is here. Perhaps, the real crime is the system that prevents this man from being able to get a job and a home that doesn't have raw sewage running through it. If he did ever attack the Turtles it was probably because they were homing in on his turf and if I've learned anything, its that you don't mess with a homeless rodent monarch's sewage real estate. Lesson learned.
2.The Riddler.
Hero: Batman.
The Riddler is a pretty obvious choice to rank high on this list because he barely even qualifies as a villain. He has all the superpowers of a 12 year old with a new activity book. I used to love those things, I would run around the house telling everyone all the jokes and riddles I was learning. I guess I was lucky that Batman never showed up and kicked my ass. If anything, the Riddler is just confused about how the whole crime thing is supposed to work. Does it even count as a crime if you're going to tell Batman about it beforehand? If anything, he's working on the side of justice. In reality, the Police force would probably give him a medal for all he's done in the crime prevention field. Cut to all the cops palling around with The Riddler ( or "T-Riddy" as they'd call him for short) while Batman is on the outside looking in, shedding a tear as he wishes he could do as much for Gotham as Riddler has.
1.The Vulture.
Hero: Spider-Man.
What the crap, Spider-man? This guy is older than dirt. Oh, and did I mention that he has cancer? Yeah, he does. Hey, Spidey what do you say you and me cruise by Mt. Sinai with a couple of baseball bats and give those cancer patients a special delivery of pain. God damn it, for a guy that cried like a little girl with a skinned knee when his uncle died, you sure don't have any trouble beating the snot out of someone's great grandfather. That doesn't even look like a Villain's costume, he probably dressed up for Halloween to pass out candy and Spider-Man was all like, "Look! that man with the breathing tube is too close to the children! He must be stopped!" Go to hell.
We hit something of a milestone here today at Thirsty Bitch. This is our 8th post in 2009, surpassing the number of posts we had in 2008. Hard to believe, but we've done it. Thanks for stopping by and please keep stopping by.
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