Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Wanting to Do.

Before you all get into an uproar, No, Rihanna did not make this list. I simply wanted to start us off with some hotness before we dive in to all of the uglies that we are going to see today.

Special Thanks to everyone who voted, I had a fun time watching the polls, and if the post you voted for didn't win, just sit tight, it'll show up, eventually.

Now, on to the always gratuitus explanation of the Top Ten. Have you ever been watching TV with some buddies and they start ripping on some ugly chick that pops up? We've all been there. Have you ever thought, during these times, "She's not so bad," but were too ashamed to say anything?
Well, don't feel ashamed anymore. We're gonna march all of these Uglies out into the open and shout from the rooftops:

"Yes! Yes, I would!"

So, lets all get ready to come out of the non-gay closet with the Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Wanting to Do:

10. She-Hulk.
Yeah, she's green.
Let's get past that shall we. Its 2007, and if I still live in a world that discriminates against a beautiful woman because of the color of her skin, than whats even the point? Besides I think she's a lawyer, so she must be pretty smart, and apparently she's into physical fitness and judging from the picture on the left, she's also a cowgirl. If she's half as good as Brad from Hey Dude! than I'd say she's one hell of a catch.



9. Meg White.
Man, are we topical over at Thirsty Bitch.
I went through a period of not seeing any redeeming qualities in Meg White, and then all of a sudden, like a 6th grader coming back from summer vacation and discovering something was different I thought, "She ain't bad." That grew into a full on crush.
Meg White?
Ain't nothing wrong with that.


8. Kirsten Dunst.
I'm sorry to admit that this one is a case of peer pressure.
I always thought Dunst was really hot, and then blog after blog kept referring to her as the fug, and then I started thinking to myself,
"Lord, she is kinda fug."
That, piled on top of pictures like this one where she looks like any second she's gonna start peeing on the sidewalk like some crazy old lady I saw once, all equals a good ol' fashioned guilty pleasure fug.


7. Fergie.
Yikes.
I don't totally understand why she's famous. I went to an all boy's school with about 1200 dudes that all kinda bear a striking resemblance to her. Then again, her body is pretty amazing, and if i know anything about women's bodies...

I really don't.



6. Fergie.
Sorry.
Easy Joke.
Moving On...








5. Nancy Grace.
What a feisty bitch.
She does have spunk, though. Plus, she's pregnant so you know she puts out. Also, watching her give Trebek hell on Jeopardy gains major points in my book.

4. Mindy Cohn.
Poor Natalie. She got a bad rap for being "the fat one", but as I've pointed out earlier, no one on that show was attractive. Besides, Natalie may have had the biggest waist, but she also had the biggest heart.
Where I'm from, we call that character.
Character goes a long way...
But then it can get you killed.
By the way, I'm from the streets.


3. Kathy Griffin.
We are really topical.
Kathy Griffin is really funny and that goes a long way. Apparently so far that I can't even think of anything sarcastic to say about her. But if you ever catch her reality show you'll see that she's a really down to earth person and not even that ugly.






2. Helena Bonham Carter from Planet of the Apes.
Hmmmm.
Perhaps I should've kept this one to myself.









1. The View.
Oh, you so know it.
This isn't even limited to the members in the photo. I'll take any cast member from any period of the show for a crazy makeout session. Mainly because then it would be real fun to watch them fight about it afterward.
Let Your freak flag fly!

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Possible Top 10's.

We're always striving to break down barriers here, so in an effort to make this blog a little more interactive, we're gonna try to do something a little different this week. I'm gonna give you 10 possible future Top 10 lists, you vote on the one you want in the poll on the right, and whichever one wins, will be the Top 10 list for next week. If you are reading this, please vote, it takes nothing and is just good ol' fashioned fun. Here are your choices:

10. Top 10 Post- Saved By the Bell Projects.
We all loved Saved By the Bell, everything the cast did afterwards, not so much. Here we will make fun of them.

9. Top 10 People that Don't Have Careers Anymore.
The annals of history are filled with people that rose to fame quickly and then vanished without a trace, here we will make a study of some of the best ones.

8. Top 10 Well Choreographed Music Videos.
We all love a good Top 10 with video clips, and we all love some fine dancing. Let's combine them.

7. Top 10 Girls Who Will not Date Me.
A study of love and all the girls that don't want to have anything to do with me.

6. Top 10 Supervillains that Probably Would've Caused the Apocalypse in Real Life by now.
Some of those guys are just way too evil.

5. Top 10 Performances by Non-Actors.
Maybe its a puppet or a cartoon, or maybe its a really well used prop. Let's discuss.

4. Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't feel Guilty about Wanting to Do.
It's not crass, its guilty pleasures, some ugly girls are hot. Case Closed.

3. Top 10 Superheroes That Might be Gay ( Not that theres anything wrong with that).
A simple discussion on some of the guys that wear the tights because they simply make them feel good.

2. Top 10 Decent Performances by Otherwise Crappy Actors.
Look, if you perform a lot of movies and TV, eventually you're gonna knock a role out of the park. These will be the best.

1. Top 10 Sequels that No One Asked For.
Ever see a commercial for a sequel that made you think, "Why'd they make another one of those?" Exactly. We'll rip those apart.

Rock the Vote.

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Commandments.

The other day, I found myself having a profound movie going experience. I saw The Ten, and it was amazing. Since it doesn't have the widest release in the world, let me break it down for those of you that haven't heard of it. The film takes the 10 Commandments and made 10 comedic vignettes about them, occasionally tying them together with recurring characters, lines, etc. And if that doesn't get you to hand over $10, Paul Rudd "hosts" the movie. Cha-ching.

I loved the movie so much, I thought that I would pay tribute here to the original Top 10 list. So get ready to kick it Sunday style, The Top 10 Commandments:

10. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath holy.
This is a tough one, tough to keep as a child, harder to keep now. Especially since I work every Sunday. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
Hey, you see a girl walking down the street, she passes you. You turn around. Bam! Covet. The Internet has not made this one any easier.

8. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's goods.
Hey, your friend has a really nice big HDTV in his house. Bam! Covet.

7. Thou Shalt not commit adultery.
Hey, you see a girl walking down the street, she passes you. You turn around. Bam! Adultery... I know. They covered all the bases.

6. Thou shalt not steal.
I would say this is the only one on the list that I broke more as a child than as an adult. Hi-C used to give away X-men pogs in the big cases at the supermarket. The pogs were positioned in such a way that you can just reach your hand into the box and slide them out. I would spend a half hour in the juice aisle wreaking havoc on every box of Hi-C I could. This is a morality tale though, as one day when my parents came back from the store, they had bought me a case of Hi-C, just so I could get the X-men pogs from it. Of course, there were none.

5. Thou Shalt not use the Lord's name in vain.
This one used to be so easy. I never cursed that much. In my old age, however, I know sounds like a sailor with a piece of shrapnel stuck in his spine. I'd say I break this one at least every hour.

4. Thou Shalt not bear false witness.
Fancy way of saying not to lie, worded in an obsolete vernacular to make you think that lying didn't make the list and is actually ok. If I recall correctly though, teachers told us that white lies were not included, which doesn't make sense that there would be a loophole in the ten commandments.

3. Thou Shalt not have other gods before me.
This is a tricky one, to the untrained eye you're all like cool, another one we can scratch off the list, I'm not gonna build a throne to Xantar, the lord of the cosmos, but this one has been updated a little bit to include holding things too important. I'm looking at you, American Idol fans. Its right there in the title...Idol.

2. Thou shalt not kill.
This one was always viewed as something of a freebie in school. Whenever this one was mentioned it was like,"I'm never gonna kill anyone, scratch this off the list!" But, seriously, don't kill anyone... especially me. Even if its as a goof.

1. Honor thy Father and Mother.
Look, this one just makes good sense. Simple matter of respect, 'nuff said.

This is much funnier than the post was...

The Monster Within.

Dear Abby,
I want to write to you before I accidentally hurt any of my loved ones. I have a terrible addiction that I've never told anyone about. Even as I write this, I am struggling to get the words out. There's no way to sugarcoat it, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. I feast on the blood of the innocent. I know that this sounds crazy, but it is not a hoax. Unfortunately, I suffer from vampirism. This is not a lifestyle choice, but a heriditary illness. I come from a long line of Eastern European nobility, and its a large part of my birthright.I have been able to keep my bloodlust a secret from all my friendly neighbors in the community that I live in, if they found out they would surely tell me how to get lost.

In order to keep myself in control, I had started counting to 10 whenever I craved blood. This worked for a while, but found it became more effective when I would count the things around me. This has given me focus for over 30 years of my addiction, but now feel that its effectiveness is wearing off. Theres only so many times I can count my cat's kittens or baseballs, before I start to realize how much I want to taste the hot, sweet blood of the countless children that inhabit my street. Fortunately, the only victim, thus far, has been my poor cat, Fatatita.

I had been counting my Hummel figurines when she walked by and I began counting the pints of blood I could drain from her. Afterwards, all I could count were my tears. Please help me before I kill again.

Signed,
Scared on Sesame.

Top 10 Tuesday: Top 10 Actresses Playing Characters Hotter Than They Are.

Boy, that sure is a mouthful. Not as succinct as usual, eh? Let me explain; We have been lied to by the media for years. Have you ever been watching a TV show or Movie and seen an actress that just made you yell at the screen, "She ain't all that!" I used to do this all the time, I had to stop though when I started doing it on the streets. Well, anyway here are the Top 10 Actresses that are not as hot as the character they were playing.

10. Mena Suvari - American Beauty.
When I think of a Lolita character, I oft think of billboard-esque foreheads. What the hell? Kevin Spacey's character would have to really be insane to contemplate statutory rape with this chick, since afterword she would probably write "I've just been violated" on her forehead. Cut to montage of people around the world finding this info out solely by reading her forehead.


9. Eva Longoria - Desperate Housewives.
Her character is a formal model and she's a midget. By the way, the picture on the left is her. If I saw that coming at me, I would throw a burlap sack over it and beat it with a hockey stick until it stopped twitching. Then, someone would be like, "Is this the lovechild of J-Lo and Rumpelstiltskin?" And I would have to reply, "Maybe, children...maybe."


8. Judith Light - Who's the Boss?
Sigh, No wonder it took Tony 8 years to tap this. I've never had such tendencies, but Tony Danza is a good lookin' guy and to this day he probably still reels in women that make Judith Light look like the crazy old cat lady that she is.






7. Lisa Whelchel - The Facts of Life.
Much like most of America, I was tricked into thinking that Blair was really hot. Sadly, in retrospect, this was a mis truth. They just filled the show with so many other fugs, that when you saw a blond, your brain registered "Hot". You've failed me again, brain.


6. Mayim Bialik - Blossom.
Was these really the best casting decision? I mean its not even like Ben on Growing Pains that started out as a cute little kid and then grew into an awkward fug. Blossom was even fug as a kid, you know how hard it is for a kid to be fug? I bet Ted from Hey Dude stole some of her older brother's barbiturates just to be able to look at her everyday.



5. Sharon Stone - Basic Instinct 2.
You know why no one saw Basic Instinct 2? For the same reason that you don't go looking for a sex tape of your parents. Hopefully, studios learned that promising that an 80 year old woman will get naked in a movie is only gonna make "Who's Your Caddy" the No. 1 movie in the country. BTW, is there a word for a cougar, past their prime? Hyena? Let's get it started.



4. Tori Spelling - 90210
There was a very good reason why her character was a virgin for 95% of the show's run. Oh sure, she'd say it was by choice, but we all knew the truth. Donna Martin Graduates, my ass.


3. Sarah Jessica Parker - Pick a role.
Y'know how you always hear guys say things like, "I would love to have an hour alone with Jessica Alba?" You know why they never say that about Sarah Jessica Parker? Because no one wants to. Matthew Broderick probably holds a razor an inch away from his wrists every single night and then thinks about how much fun it was to sing "Danka Shane" in the big parade, smiles, and remembers how good life can be sometimes. When he's not tending to his "husbandly duties", that is. That shit is gross.

2. Rosie O' Donnell - The Flinstones
What the ef? Betty Rubble was such a fine piece and they go and go and cast this for the live action movie. I mean Geez, I can spit and hit 48 chicks that look more like Betty than this uggo. I hate this world.


1. Kellie S. Williams - Family Matters.
This was the entire inspiration for this list. Urkel was ready to slit his wrists for Laura Winslow and she refused him at every pass. Well, she was a big steaming pile of fug and should've jumped at the chance to not die alone. Look what happened to Myra...ouch. too soon?

And in keeping with the theme, a little musical outro...