thirsty bitch

Top 10 Signs You Live in Gotham City

2009-04-07T10:00:00.001-04:00

Even as a young boy, thumbing through the pages of Batman Comics, I would often stop to ask myself, "Why would anyone ever want to live in Gotham City?,” and it is a question that I still wonder to this day. I mean, every time my brother bloggers (broggers?) write a list of the worst fictional towns, Gotham always finds itself on the list, while its sister city Metropolis always gets a free pass. So, to help everyone out, here are the Top 10 Signs that you may be living in Gotham City.

10. Chance of Crime is 100%
What does that mean? It means that crime is always going on! Constantly. Unending. It means that if you were reading a newspaper with the headline, "Crime Rate Soars" and wanted to read more, by the time you open the paper you are disheartened to learn someone has stolen your paper - along with your pants…and your wife…and your dignity.

9. It’s Never Sunny in Gotham.
Yes, it may seem that it's always sunny in Metropolis, but there is very little proof that the sun comes up everyday in Gotham City. Adam West's Batman loved the daylight, which is a really big contradiction when you think about it. Bats don't come out during the light, so why should Batman? One of my favorite moments from The Dark Knight was when Bruce Wayne refused to go out as Batman during the day, because it was so true to the comics. I can't remember the last time I saw Gotham bathed in sunlight the way Metropolis is in the pages of any of the Bat-comics. Huh, bat-comics, there's an idea for an improv troupe.

8. Two Words: Solomon Grundy.

7. Acid Doesn’t Kill You, It Makes You Stronger.
Only in Gotham City are giant vats of corrosive acid readily available and regularly used as a weapon. For instance, one of the origins of the Joker has him falling into acid, only to emerge as a deformed clown. In the comics, Two-Face’s face is scarred when acid is thrown at one side of his face. This is not the way the world works. Comic books are full of things that should make you dead making you awesome instead, and Gotham is no exception.

6. Incompetent Police Department.
Really though, those guys do nothing. I guess I can’t blame them, if I had a city job and someone was doing my job for me, I would probably stop trying as well. In actuality, Batman would give the Gotham PD much more work since he completely destroys Due Process and therefore they need to work twice as hard for a conviction.

5.No One Seems to Care That a Multi-Millionaire Bachelor has Adopted a Teenage Boy.
Can you even do that? Is it legal? It doesn't make sense that they just deliver pubescent boys to grown men. I'm concerned about this paragraph just being on here. Pretty soon this blog is gonna be crawling with pederasts that did a search for "deliver pubescent boys to grown men." Yikes, now it’s on here twice. Let's just move on. Really though, he’s not even adopting a baby, or a toddler, or a tot, but a 13 year old boy. In reality, people would talk about this...a lot...all the time…Jay Leno monologues every night. At the very least, this would make it into several papers and be talked about on the news for weeks. This is worse than Michael Jackson building a theme park in his backyard, at least Jacko never flat out adopted himself a boy-toy. Or did he?

4. The Mayor Can't Help But Get Kidnapped.
Ho Ho, that crazy pervert mayor. He just loves getting kidnapped, well he must since there’s no other reason to think anybody , let alone a mayor, could accidentally get kidnapped so many times.

3. No Prison, Just a Very Low Security Insane Asylum.
Extremely low security. Like no locks on the doors and if you're escaping they call you a taxi. This, like the mayor getting kidnapped, is one of those things that you think would eventually get fixed, but no, it's not the biggest deal in the world that there's a revolving door on the only place you have to keep your criminals.

2. This Guy is in Charge:
1. Crime rate constantly soaring, being held at the whim of a madmen, water supply poisoned, but lets not move yet. That’s right, the biggest sign that you are a Gotham City resident is that all this stuff is going on and you haven’t moved you and your family yet. C’mon, people move to someplace a little safer, a little more protected, a little brighter, a little more Metropolis.

Breaking: Red Sox Nation Refuses Invite to Join NATO

2009-04-06T09:00:00.004-04:00

In what most people are calling a slap in the face to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, Red Sox Nation flat out refused an invitation to join this week. Red Sox Nation would have been the 27th member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, but instead caused a worldwide furor by refusing the invitation. An invite to Organization means you are recognized as a peace-loving state, however many now believe Red Sox Nation to be just the opposite. Upon refusal, a special committee was formed in order to investigate the goings on of the “New Red Menace.”

Head of this special committee, the representative from Latvia, had this to say, “We are looking into the hostile Nation of Red Sox from top to bottom, from the gross misspelling of the word “socks” to what appears to be their religion of worshiping a giant puppet deity they call Wally- “the green monster. We have found out that they are harboring two Japanese agents - Matsuzaka and Okajima - and one from the Dominican Republic, Ramon Ramirez - the latter not seen as a threat. We find all of these things to be very suspect and we hope ex-patriot, Manny Ramirez, will cooperate with us and be helpful in determining whether or not there are any WMDs.”

When asked for comment, President of Red Sox Nation, Jerry Remy had this to say:

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, we’re not even a real country! It's a Baseball team for chrissakes!”

Apparently not, Mr. President, apparently not.

No word yet on whether or not NASA is considering recognizing Yankees Universe.

Week in Review, 4.3.09

2009-04-03T07:30:00.000-04:00

We hit something of a milestone here today at Thirsty Bitch. This is our 8th post in 2009, surpassing the number of posts we had in 2008. Hard to believe, but we've done it. Thanks for stopping by and please keep stopping by.

This week, we got a big hunk of info on the upcoming Spider-Man musical, ahem, excuse me, a "circus rock-'n'-roll drama" is what they would prefer you call it. I think they're trying to invoke Cirque Du Soleil, but all that "circus rock-'n'-roll drama" invokes for me is a vision of a guitar-wielding clown atop an elephant threatening to kill all the puppies in the world. This is what the statement had to say about who Spidey will be going up against:

As Spider-Man, Peter clashes with a parade of Marvel villains -- Green Goblin, Carnage, Electro, Rhino, Swarm and Lizard... a new baddie for the show -- Swiss Miss, whose costume, designed by Oscar winner Eiko Ishioka ("Bram Stoker's Dracula"), consists of rotating knives and swirling corkscrews.

You had me and you lost me. Some of his biggest villains a chick named after both a Hot Chocolate and a utility knife. I hope Polish Sausage doesn't show up or worse yet, The French Tickler.

President Obama Visited the Queen this week. His gift to the Queen? A video Ipod filled with photos and media of her 2007 visit to the US. Her gift? A framed photo of her and her husband. Really? What type of thoughtless crap gift is that? I know this woman is old, but at least give a rational grandma gift like some sweaters or an afghan. If I was Obama, I would've gone 1776 on her and jabbed her in the throat. Then he could say something historically meaningful like, "No taxation without representation, ...bitch"

I found out about this pretty cool contest over at Dunkin' Donuts where you can create your own doughnut and enter it in a contest to win $12,000. Pretty fun just to play around with, but if this works out well for DD, don't be surprised if you see a slew of other companies following suit. Burger King's "Make Your Own Burger", Domino's "Make Your Own Pizza", KFC's "Create a Chicken Skin," Who Knows? Hey, fast food places, I can already do all of those things...in my kitchen. We turn to you to do the heavy lifting, don't just toss the ball back in our court like that. Douchebags. Well, anyway, here's one of the donuts I made...The Thirsty Bitch.

We also got our first look at the Sacha Baron Cohen's Borat follow-up, Bruno. They released a red-band trailer just a few days after the film got saddled with a NC-17 rating. I did enjoy Borat, but I didn't see it in the theater and I'll probably catch this flick when it "hits disc" (it'll catch on). What I didn't enjoy was all the Bankers and douchebags that walked around saying "Very Nice!" It was like Austin Powers all over again, yet somehow worse...much worse. Anyways, check out the trailer below. (NSFW, if you're the one person reading this from their work)

Finally, last thing on the plate for today is the birthday of everybody's favorite Baldwin, Alec. I gotta admit, I never cared for him much as a movie star, but he really gets it done on the small screen. Alec had a string of really funny appearance on SNL in the 90s and then he knocks it out of the park every week on 30 Rock. Of course, anyone who's ever seen Glengarry Glen Ross, will remember his monologue, which we will sign off with here today. Happy Birthday, Alec!

A/V Club Thursday: Children's Hospital.

2009-04-02T13:20:00.000-04:00

This week's A/V pick is not going to be a favorite with everybody. We're going with the Web Series Children's Hospital for today, which consists of a veritable Comedy Dream Team. If you know more than three names in this cast, this is definitely for you; Rob Corddry, Lake Bell, Ken Marino (“The State,” “Veronica Mars”), Rob Huebel (“Human Giant,” “The Awful Truth”), Jason Sudeikis (“Saturday Night Live”), David Wain (“Role Models,” “The State”), Nathan Corddry (“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,” “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”), Ed Helms (“The Office”), Nick Kroll (upcoming feature “I Love You, Man”) and Megan Mullally (“Will & Grace”) as The Chief. Being a big fan of "Wet Hot American Summer" and "The Ten" this show really did it for me and I hope it does it for you too. Enjoy!

Let me know what you thought!

Top 10 Signs You Are Running Out of Top 10 Ideas.

2009-03-31T11:50:00.001-04:00

I gotta tell ya, it is exhausting coming up with these lists time and time again. If only I could be like David Letterman and stop caring if they are even remotely funny, but alas, I hold myself to a higher comedic standard and my punishment is waking up every night in a cold sweat next to an empty bottle of vodka in a strange room, scribbling the number 10 on things as if i were Jim Carrey in a crappy movie, or the worst of all...writing a BS top ten, in lieu of having to think too hard. So, without further ado, I present:

Top 10 Signs you are running out of Top 10 List Ideas:

10. You contemplate writing the Top 10 Celebrity Names, but can't think of anything else to top Edward James Olmos and Lou Diamond Phillips.

9. The Only Top 10 Idea left in your notes is "Top 10 Ways to get through the Writer's Strike"

8. What Would Dennis Miller Do?

7. You find yourself frantically browsing through Netflix, looking for any possible link between any 10 movies.

6. Top 10 Moments in Brad Garrett history, anyone? Can't decide if that would be laughably simple or impossibly hard (He was fantastic in No Country for Old Men).

5. I got it, The Top 10 Commandments! oh, we did that one already.

4. Hang on, I'm gonna go play on the Internet for a little while...

3. People...like...sports, right?...or kids....maybe the elderly, they're like kids. Perhaps sports between kids and the elderly...

2.

1. "If there is a Top 10 List you would like to see, go ahead and leave your idea in the comments."

NBC Admits to Passing Old Law & Order Reruns as New!

2009-03-30T09:30:00.002-04:00

In what will truly go down as a day that will live in infamy, we learned today that NBC mega-hit Law & Order has in fact been airing repeats and passing them off as new. Complaints first started pouring in when one viewer tuned in to find Jerry Orbach solving crimes on the long-running show. Still more complaints flooded in when an episode touted as being "Ripped from the headlines" featured two defendants bearing a striking resemblance to the Menendez brothers. NBC C.E.O., Jeff Zucker held a press conference to address these issues.

"I guess it all started when he had our summer rerun campaign of 'If you haven't seen it, its new to you!' We started thinking, there's been so many episodes of Law & Order, no one could've possibly seen all them. Looks like we were wrong and it was those losers that have seen them all that sold us out. Thanks a lot, ya nerds."

Actress Angie Harmon, who hadn't filmed a "new" episode since 2001, had this to say when reached for comment, "Whoo-Hoo! I'm relevant again! I can't wait to get my residual check for this so I can finally buy that tuna fish sandwich I've had on layaway!" Unfortunately, not every cast member shares in Harmon's jubilance. Benjiman Bratt was quoted as, "I hate you, Julia Roberts! You ruined my life! I'm sorry...I still love you, take me back!"

People for the Ethical Treatment of the Elderly, or PETE as I like to call them, are also up in arms over NBC's deception. We got a chance to catch up with Tobey Murti, a spokesman for PETE;
"What the eff, NBC? You know no one under the age of 50 watches Law & Order. This is clearly taking advantage of the poor memory of the elderly. Do you know some viewers thought they were in heaven because they were seeing Jerry Orbach? It took hours of convincing for them to realize they were alive." It should also be noted that this is not the first time Mr. Murti has had a run in with the long-running NBC crime show. "We've been trying to get them to change that transition DUN-DUN sound for years. It frightens the elderly terribly."

Authorities are looking further into this situation, including investigating episodes of ER and CSI.

Week in Review, 3.27.09

2009-03-27T11:30:00.002-04:00

This week it was announced that Drummer Jimmy Chamberlain would be leaving the Smashing Pumpkins. At first, some were speculating that it was due to illness, but yesterday Chamberlain cleared the air on his blog, writing:
"I will say, without going into any unnecessary details that this represents a positive move forward for me. I can no longer commit all of my energy into something that I don’t fully possess. I won’t pretend I’m into something I’m not. I won’t do it to myself, you the fan, or my former partner. I can’t just, “Cash the check” so to speak. Music is my life. It is sacred. It deserves the highest commitment at every level and the Pumpkins are certainly no different. I’m sorry but it really IS that simple."

Simple? That sounds like you have some issues, dude. Not that I really blame him. As much of a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins as I am, I believe every story I've ever read about Billy Corgan being an insufferable prick. Little known fact about Billy Corgan: he used to date Courtney Love and one night they had a fight. Courtney stormed out and ran to Kurt Cobain's place and they formed their relationship. Soooo, all the people that blame Courtney Love for Cobain's death can look right to Mr. Corgan.

This week the individual game tickets went on sale for the New Yankee Stadium. I can't even describe how excited I was. I crept down the stairs at the break of dawn like a little kid on Christmas. I turned on my computer and did a search for the first game against the Boston Red Sox. "I can't believe it!," I exclaimed, there were still tickets available. "Two tickets for the best available section, please.", I asked my computer. Then, two really good seats behind 3rd base came up. I had to rub my eyes, I was in disbelief. Fortunately, after I rubbed my eyes, I was able to see that the Steinbrenner's were asking me to pay $1,000 to go to a game on a Monday night in May. Hey, Jackoffs, when you're on FOX one Saturday afternoon, the entire country is going to see the entire Lower Section empty and all the noe bleed seats packed to capacity. Now that I think about it, can the engineering of the stadium even withhold an event like that? Probably not. I say condemn that place now. But on a serious note, we put up with the $8 beers and the $7 hot dogs and we played along. As for myself, no matter how rich I become I will never pay several hundred dollars to go to a regular season game. Even more ridiculous is the current state of the economy and how far home theaters have come. Congratulations on being the Douchebags of the Week, Yankee Brass.

We got our first real look at a long gestating project this week, the "Where the Wild Things Are movie. I liked the book as a child, didn't love it, didn't own it, but I was intrigued enough at the prospect of a live action version of it, even moreso when it was announced it would be written by Dave Eggers and Directed by Spike Jonze. Personally, I think it looks pretty cool, but I am keeping my excitement at bay because of the rumors of trouble, delays, and reshoots. Check it out:

Today is the birthday of one of the best filmmakers alive today, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. I've been a big fan for a while. Heck, I'm even a big fan of True Romance. So, we here at Thirsty Bitch would like to raise our glass and wish him a very Happy Birthday. To help us further celebrate here is Quentin fighting with some idiot in a hat.

I love how she keeps talking to anchors at the end and they're just acting like when your crazy old aunt is talking crazy and you just kinda look around so no one can link you to the crazy argument they're making. Good times, but to wash that awkwardness out of our mouth, here's the trailer for Tarantino's upcoming, Inglorious Basterds:

It's been a wild week back, folks, thanks to everyone who stopped by. See you Monday!

A/V Club Thursday: The Dana Carvey Show

2009-03-26T12:50:00.000-04:00

In an effort to eat up some posts without having to think up too much original content, here is the inaugural "A/V Club Thursday" where I'll post an episode of something you might not know about/remember and you can just laze around and enjoy it.

The Dana Carvey Show didn't really appeal to me when it was on, but I think its freakin' hilarious now. First of all, Steve Carrell is on it and second of all...well, I don't think I really need to promise much more than 1996 Steve Carell, do I? But, this is the type of humor I'm into now, so perhaps I was just thrown off by the fact that every week there was a different sponsor name in the title of the show. Imagine if a sitcom or drama did that? Budweiser Two and a Half Men? Ford 30 Rock? Johnson & Johnson ER? Ok, I take it back, I want to live in that world.

Top 10 Sequels...That Nobody Asked For.

2009-03-24T11:00:00.003-04:00

Welcome back, Thirsters (Don't worry, it'll catch on). As usual, today's Top 10 is pretty specific. This is not a list of the 10 Worst Sequels, but considers the sequels that were made for no apparent reason. Whether, the first movie was decent, but closed off the story in a satisfying manner or a crappy movie that illogically got sequelized.
Let's throw this in the oven, see if it bakes.

10. Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline:Rush hour hits the water.
Ok, so I'm bending the rules a little bit already. A lot of people would have been fine with a sequel to Speed. However, they dropped the ball and couldn't entice Keanu Reeves back. While Reeves alone did not make the first movie good, not having him back created apathy for the sequel. As a result, the sequel that cost over 5 times the original budget, made a little bit more than 25% of the original's gross and became a punchline. Oh, by the way, they did manage to bring this guy back for the sequel. I don't know how they managed to pull him away from losing auditions to Wesley Snipes, but by god they did it. If you get a second, you NEED to read his IMDB page, he obviously wrote it himself. Sample! "On a foundation of talent, unbridled dedication and a passionate mindset, Glenn Plummer has enjoyed a successful acting career that spans almost two decades." Wow, Shitty Roles for Two Whole Decades!? You're a freakin' soldier!

9.Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: The greatest adventure story ever filmed... is not yet over.
Looks like we're sticking with the nautical theme here for a bit. This sequel, in particular, seems to just kick logic in the nads. The first film was about the only survivors of a capsized ship. The sequel was about another group of survivors on the ship. Excuse me, its about a group of Pirates who go on to the already capsized ship, and run into another group of survivors. I briefly considered pairing this movie with Halloween 2, on the grounds that they are both in the category of what I like to call, "Did We Mention...?" Sequels. This is where the story of the sequel picks up where the last movie left off, but with some ridiculous catalyst to get the story going that was never mentioned before. For example, "Did we mention that thoe weren't the only survivors?" Oh, and another characteristic of these kinds of sequel is viewer apathy.

8. SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: America's favorite talking babies are back!
What the hell gives you the right to make a sequel to a movie featuring Dom Deluise and then not have him back for the sequel. Oh, I'm sorry, is Scott Baio supposed to be "good enough," because he is not. I can't say I'm very familiar with either movie, but this screams of being a screenplay someone wrote that had no intention of being a sequel and then some studio head was like, "What if we market it to the fans of Baby Geniuses?" Then Common Sense responed, "There is no such thing." And the Studio Head said, "Sure! They Exist, I seen 'em!" This went on for a while until our hero Common Sense responded at the box office. Seriously though, the first movie was such a joke and then a few years later this comes out and it wasn't a joke anymore, it just made everybody really sad.

7.Blues Brothers 2000.
Cheesy Sequel Tagline: The Blues Are Back.
I am glad that I'm not friends with Dan Akroyd for many reasons. Mostly, because I bet he'd constantly be trying to convince me that ghosts exist and secondly because if I had any type of legacy, he'd likely try to sell it for a quick buck. It's pretty ballsy to replace a dead member of your comedy duo, but its down right insulting when that member is John Belushi. I happened to notice Kevin Bacon didn't make Animal House 2000, but then again, Kevin Bacon has a drinking game. Do you have a drinking game, Mr. Akroyd? I didn't think so.

6. Return to Oz.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: If there's one thing you must do this summer, it's "Return to Oz..."
Here's an idea. Let's take one of the most beloved movies of all time, wait 50 years, take out everything anyone ever enjoyed about the first one, and make it scary enough to induce chronic bed wetting and emotional trauma. Example: I saw this POS when I was about 8 and I vividly remember how creepy those dudes on the roller skates were, that scary moose head, Fairuza Balk's weird looking face, and the scenes at the end where everything is frozen and....uh oh. Oh darn. The mere memory has caused me to soil myself.

5. George W. Bush.
Get it? Political Humor! Ahhhhhhhhh!

4. Any Direct to Video Sequel of Any Disney Movie.

These things can really S my D. Not only do they look like they were animated by a bunch of drunken Asian babies, they regularly disregard the original movie. Case in point, what I believe to be the first example of a Disney Direct-to- Video Sequel is The Return of Jafar, a follow-up to Aladdin. For those of you that didn't have a childhood, at the end of the original, Aladdin and Jasmine get married ; making Aladdin a prince and Genie gets freed. The sequel thought it would be much easier to piss all over, make Aladdin still courting Jasmine and keep the Genie enslaved and make him sound like Homer Simpson. Yeah, I'm glad they fired Michael Eisner, too.

3. Dumb and Dumberer/ Son of the Mask/ Ace Ventura Jr.
Cheesey Sequel Taglines:
Before the first movie, there was high school. They missed the bus./The next generation of mischief./ He's the burping, farting, snorting, spitting image of his dad.

1994 was a good year for a wide-eyed 11 year old kid that thought Jim Carrey was as funny as it gets. In fact, it was a good year for Jim Carrey too, starring in the 3 movies that collectively served as his breakout. Now, no one saw The Mask for all the zany green faced fun. No one saw Dumb and Dumber because they were in the mood for a buddy comedy. And no one saw Ace Ventura because they liked animals. Could people have seen these movies because of Jim Carrey? Certainly not! So lets make some sequels to them without him completely, but we'll make them so long after the originals people won't remember why they liked them in the first place, right? Wrong. These movies were popular because in 1994 you had to see this movies because Jim Carrey was the funniest thing for your ticket money. Without him, these movies are just wastes of time. PS: Your average "ticket money" in 1994 was about $4. I'll let you weep................. Now on with the funny!

2. The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: Get Ready to Rock!
This is the movie that was the inspiration for this entire post. I can still remember when I saw an ad for this movie in the paper (I think that's how you found out about movies back then) and thinking to myself, "What made them think people wanted another one of these?" it's a prequel with a completely new cast of people we don't care about, including Alan Cumming who appears in two movies on this list. They do get points for casting the much hotter than Rosie O'Donnell, Jane Krakowski as Betty, or as everyone called her back then, "Who?" Of course they lose even more points for casting everyone's least favorite Baldwin, Stephen, as Barney. What a sad day for the Rubbles, indeed.

1. Basic Instinct 2.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline: Everything interesting begins in the mind.
Cheesey Sequel Tagline Comeback: So then where did this movie begin, Marketing Department?
Gross. I was actually rooting for this movie to make no money the weekend it came out. You can imagine my disappointment when it placed 10th, making only $3 million. Particularly embarrassing for Sharon Stone, considering the movie had to have been made based solely on the presumption that people still wanted to see her naked. Notice how the poster suggests the crotch shot from the first movie, thats no accident. Man, Michael Douglas was working hard on a string of failures at the time this made, but even he didn't want to be associated with the high profile flop everyone knew this would turn out to be. Fail!

Did I leave anything off of the list? Were you really looking forward to any of these movies? Leave me a comment and let me know.

The Crowd Was Getting Ugly (And This Crowd Didn't Have Far To Go)

2009-03-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Whew, that was brutal!

Alright, so it's been a while. A very long while. Welcome to my Mea Culpa. Its a new year, I'm a little older, a little wiser, and looking to get back into the funny business. I know I missed a lot of important Pop Culture events since I've been gone; 3 awesome superhero movies, an entire Presidential Election, and my girlfriend tells me there was an entire show that took place inside George Michael's head... or something like that. I know what most of you are thinking right now:

"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'"

No? Hm, thats odd. That's what I'm CONSTANTLY thinking. Let me try again, are you possibly thinking....

Wrong Again, huh? Y'know, this game is no fun if you're just gonna cheat. Alright, what you are probably ALL thinking is...

I'm not gonna get all wrapped up in some more Thirsty Bitch nonsense. He's gonna post for a little bit and then kick us to the curb once again.

Well, try this on for size, Curly Sue. By the time you are reading this, there is already several weeks worth of content waiting to go. You heard me right, you are guaranteed at least a few weeks of blog gold. So with this kind of head start, we're in pretty good shape. And lets face it, this should have no effect on the timeliness of the articles unless the government erases all our memories of the 80's & 90's. Wish all you want, Sean Penn, ain't gonna happen.

So, by all means, leave me a comment letting me know how much you missed how funny I am, join my Facebook group, and check back tomorrow for an all new Top 10 Tuesday.

Oh, I almost forgot. I finally got that Chia Pet. His name is Pesto and he's doing just fine.

And one last thing...

Ah, it's good to be back.

The Barack Obama Shuffle

2008-03-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

I can hear the cries of all 4 of you that read this, now:

"I read thirsty bitch to find out all the latest news on John Stamos, if I wanted politics I'd go to a more prestigious blog, like PerezHilton....

What the dilly, yo?"

Well, let me give you the dilly.

I usually don't get very involved in political discussions, not because I don't think it's important, but what's the point of complaining about something you can't change.

"But, thirsty bitch, you can make a change."

Well, hopefully, I can. Since this election, more than any other previous year, has entered the zeitgeist of POP CULTURE, its now in my realm to comment on. In other words, when candidates are appearing on SNL, dancing on Ellen, talking about cellulite on Tyra, and even inspiring viral videos..."you's in my house now!"

The latter of those examples is my motivation. You see, one of my biggest pet peeves is celebrities talking about politics. This irks me to the point of not even wanting to call it a "pet peeve" because the word pet is in there and pets are cute. I'm just peeved.
Last week, a video was brought to my attention. Its intent was to inspire me, to say it fell short of its goal is an understatement.

Take a look:

Isn't that the most re-goddamn-diculous thing you've ever seen?

Am I supposed to vote for Barack Obama because Jessica Alba is hot, and she wants me to? Should the next President of the United States of America be sold to us like beer? Didn't anyone realize that people were going to crack up as soon as they saw Malcolm Jamal Warner in there?

"Theooooooooo, tell the people who you want them to vote for!"

By the time Tyrese shows up, this video has zero chance at having any credibility. By the way, nice job getting Macy Gray to appear. The fact that she showed up in "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" the day earlier means shes not a whore for publicity at all. My absolute (least) favorite thing about the video, though, is the "acting." Can't you just hear the director feeding them things like, "Sounds too forced, throw some "Umms'" in there. Ooooh, yeah, play with your hair, that looks so natural." Give me a break.

The short of it is that no one cares who Luis Guzman is voting for or that George Lopez endorses a candidate in his mother tongue, or at least no one should care. I do feel confident, however, that the only people this video will reach is those not yet of voting age, who don't even know that the woman telling them to vote used to play Martin Lawrence's neighbor.

I should also note that I have no problem with Obama, but this video does kinda support my theory that he may, in fact, be the Antichrist. C'mon, don't tell me you haven't thought about it. He's a little too charismatic.

Also, am I alone on this or does he sound an awful lot like The Rock? During the debates, my mind tends to wander and I imagine scenarios where Obama could use some of his catch phrases. Just a peek inside my mind. Plus, Barack...Ba-rack...Ba-rock...The Rock. C'mon!

Less of a rant next week.

New Trailer for M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening"

2008-02-15T11:33:00.005-05:00

M. Night has a new movie coming out and from the looks of it, this may be the biggest comedy of 2008. I think its great that he's decided to go away from his usual thrillers and try to follow in the footsteps of Judd Apatow.

I just keep watching this trailer over and over, maybe its a spoof movie like "Meet the Spartans" since Mark Wahlberg sounds like he's reading off of a cue card. What am I saying?! He probably can't read. Hopefully the 5 seconds of "Smell the fart acting" that he does (starting at 1:42) will silence all those people that herald him as the greatest actor of our generation.

Did you see the gravitas that he brought to the role in "Shooter"? Genius, I say!

Thirsty Bitch Honors...

2008-02-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

With the overwhelming responses I got from my triumphant return I wanted to take this opportunity to keep the butts in the seats, so to speak, so I asked myself, "What does everyone love?"
Answer: Awards Shows. But then I could only think of one person truly deserving of such an honor.
Cue: sentimental music.

Once in a while, a person a comes along and captures a nation. Rarer still, is the person who comes along and captures the entire world. Today we honor such a man, who's contributions to the landscape of our civilization are not only innumerable, but priceless as well. A man who gives, but does not take.

Thirsty Bitch Lifetime Achievement Award
Honors
Steven Seagal

It all started one night when my dad was watching television and I heard him laughing hysterically. Thinking, he may be watching something worthwhile, I walked in to find a guy with a ponytail kicking the ever loving crap out of a bar full of people with a billiard ball whilst inquiring, "Why did Richie do Bobbie Lupo?" The movie was Out for Justice, and it has since been passed up by the AFI for their hundred greatest films...twice.
My love started to blossom.
Next, we were so taken by this Steven Seagal character that we ordered Under Siege on Pay-Per-View and taped it. The action was ok, but this movie contained the first boobs I ever saw.
I watched that Under Siege tape about 382 times between the ages of 10-13.
Then, his career started to taper off. I saw Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and On Deadly Ground in the theater and they left me cold. There was no Bobby, no billiards, and sadly, no boobies. After this, Seagal went on a string of movies that either teamed him up with someone else (Keenan Wayons, Ja Rule, etc.) or that went straight to video, or both. In fairness, I haven't seen any of these latter efforts, but mainly because I'm not a glutton for punishment.

It's a little upsetting that the action stars of our youth have been shuffled aside. I'm sure if Siggy were actually accepting this award, he would share it with Dolph Lungdren, Jean-Claude VanDamme, and even Sylvester Stallone.

I'd like to close out this tribute by sharing the anecdote of Seagal's talking dog, courtesy of wikipedia, the most reliable source ever.

While being interviewed by PETA, Seagal was asked to provide an example of a special interaction with an animal. To lend context and meaning to his animal rights work, Seagal offered the story about a dog which approached him during his early aikido years in Japan. Seagal described feeling as if he had known this white dog forever. After keeping the dog for a few days, the dog (by barking) warned Seagal that his dojo was on fire. Seagal quickly summoned help to put out the fire. He never saw the dog again.

And of course, no lifetime achievement award would be complete without a retrospective montage, so here goes...

By the way, he was also tappin' Kelly LeBrock for like a decade.
Nice.

Happy Birthday, David Lynch!

2008-01-20T21:12:00.001-05:00

Today ThirstyBitch celebrates the birthday of everyone's favorite American surrealist, David Lynch. DL and I have a bit of a checkered past. The first movie I saw of his was Blue Velvet and it really didn't resonate with me. I didn't hate it as much as Roger Ebert did, but I definitely didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. Next up, I tried Lost Highway, which I was vaguely familiar with because of the popular soundtrack that was released with it. I don't think too many people can blame for not liking that one. After two strikes, I was pretty sure I was done with David Lynch.

Then I watched Mulholland Drive.
The film had been receiving a lot of critical buzz when it came out and since I worked at a Blockbuster at the time, when it came to DVD I was curious to check it out.
Muhlholland Drive is a great movie. I don't want to write another movie review, so we'll skip over that. After Mulholland Drive, I rewatched Blue Velvet and had a new appreciation for it. I cannot say though, if I had changed or if it was simply a case of a movie benefiting from multiple viewings. Next up, was The Elephant Man and The Straight Story. Departures for DL, yes, but still great movies. I devoured Eraserhead and then met my true Lynch love, Twin Peaks. I can barely describe Twin Peaks, I won't lie and say it's a perfect television show; it has its imperfections and weak episodes just like every other show. Twin Peaks, however, is so far above other shows that these sins are much more forgivable.

Anyway, on to the birthday festivities! Since one of my favorite Lynch signatures is his unique use of music, I thought we would wish DL a happy birthday by showcasing the finer casesof music in his work.

First up is, of course, his most famous use of music, "In Dreams" from Blue Velvet. Chilling and heartwarming at the same time, Dean Stockwell is better here than in every episode of Quantam Leap combined, and I love QL.

Next up, is perhaps the second most famous musical sequence. If you haven't seen Mulholland Drive, you may not understand why I like this scene, but there's something pretty cool happening during the number.

At the tail end of this musical salute is two scenes from Twin Peaks, well, one is a scene and the other is the opening sequence. First is a scene that you may think silly since the character is only holding a guitar and you start to hear a bass line and percussion, but I've come to forgive stuff such as this and hopefully you can too (ps, there is a very small spoiler in the clip). Secondly, The Twin Peaks theme is some of the best work that Angelo Badalmenti has done for Lynch.

Not to keep getting on a soap box about Twin Peaks, but both the music and imagery in this opening really help set the tone, more so than most other shows.

And since this is a "comedy" blog and also because I can't think of any better way to pay tribute to the man than this:

Do you have a favorite Lynch or Lynchian moment?

"Baby Mama" Trailer

2008-01-16T15:09:00.000-05:00

The first trailer for the new Tina Fey movie, Baby Mama, just hit the web. It looks Like Tina Fey is on a definite hot streak, not unlike when I lead the Chicago Bulls to all those NBA titles. Judging from the trailer, the chemistry that Fey and Poehler shared on Weekend Update translates to the the big screen and hopefully Romany Malco gets some screen time, I can't get enough of that guy.

Do you think you might check this movie out? Or would you prefer Tina Fey stick to the small screen?

I Am Crappy Movie

2008-01-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

Say What? A Thirsty Bitch movie review?! I've been waiting my whole life for this. I hope he reviews a movie that's a month old!

Your wish is granted.

When I had heard all the buzz on the Internet about 18 months ago about an I am Legend movie, I decided to pick up Richard Matheson's 1954 novel of the same name. For a work of science fiction over 50 years old, it holds up surprisingly well. It's tense, smart and chilling. I enjoyed it, but I didn't love it. This made me feel like I could handle whatever dreck Hollywood was preparing to throw at me without getting my hopes up only to be let down.

Then, there was the trailer...

This caused me to thoroughly geek out. It looked like Cast Away meets 28 Days Later. My hopes began to grow like a well maintained Chia Pet ( callback, Holla!). Seriously though, the marketing team for this movie did a great job; the trailers and the TV were fantastic and really built excitement for the movie, so by the time I got a chance to check it out, I was really stoked for it.

When I finally got a chance to see it, I rushed out of work in order to make the 9:30 show. I got there just in time to catch the right amount of the looping trivia and commercials they show beforehand and by the time the lights dimmed for the 20 minutes of trailers, there was little that could prepare for this shitty trailer...

What the hell, Hayden? But I guess it only makes sense that they would eventually start making superhero movies not based on comic books, see also this piece of crap...

Yeah, I hate people, too, but I digress...

The movie began with about 20 minutes of production logos, but once the actual movie started playing I was grinning from ear to ear, it was exactly the movie I was in the mood for and had expected. Mindless fun, yes, but still fun nonetheless. It was tense, exciting, and a little creepy ( I jumped more than once). I was even able to forgive the terrible CGI creatures that look a little worse than the zombies in Resident Evil.

Then, there was the third Act. Can no one write a third act anymore? I'm sorry, I failed to mention that this movie was written by Akiva Goldsman, one of the biggest hacks in Hollywood. Let me break you down his filmography for you: Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Lost in Space, Practical Magic, and The DaVinci Code.

Yes, he's doing the world a favor by being on strike.

So, like every other movie these days, it totally fell apart at the third act. I don't want to have to put in a spoiler alert, but Akiva Hacksman took the twist from the book and made it shittier. And not interesting. And lame. And I hate him. The movie could've been salvaged, but they added this useless Epilogue which represents everything that's wrong with movies today. Will Smith is too concerned with his bankability to headline a movie with a bleak ending, therefore the movie gets ruined right at the end. And hey by that point, they already have your $10, so who cares?

Since that was too bleak of an ending, here's a happy epilogue for you...

Don't even tell me I am Legend wouldn't have been awesome if that was the last 3 minutes instead.

The Bitch is Back! Thirsty Bitch: Season 2

2008-01-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

I know what you've all been thinking,

"Thirsty Bitch has reneged on the agreement that he made with his readers in his very first post!"

And sadly, yes, to a certain extent I did. I could give a list of excuses as to why I haven't posted since September, I even have a couple good ones, but I won't. Instead I'm just going to apologize and ask that you take me back ( c'mon, if I was a hot chick, you wouldn't think twice about it) or I could just pretend that this was a TV show and what you experienced was the hiatus.

Yeah, let's go with that one.

Top 10 Things to Look Forward to In Season Two of Thirsty Bitch:

10. Taking a page out of Aaron Spelling's Playbook, Heather Locklear joins the cast, catfights ensue.

9. Animated musical guests singing to giant anthropomorphic amphibian...just watch the clip...

By the way, you know Davy Jones totally hit that.

8. Own Season 1, Coming soon to DVD and BluRay.

7. A post written by 2 of the 5 writers of Scary Movie, but 2 of the good ones. Of course, I'm only joking... there were no good ones. ZING!

6. Ross and Rachel discover they have feelings for each other and then she puts out on the second date. slut.

5. Live-blogging the season finale of According to Jim.

4. A Special Post to let all of you know..."What's Up... Down There".

3. Roger Clemens will talk to Thirsty Bitch about Brian McNamee and lose his shit again.

2. Posts funnier than this one ( not a big challenge).

1. An animated version of Thirsty Bitch, ala Punky Brewster....

God, I miss that stuff.

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Wanting to Do.

2007-09-25T02:38:00.000-04:00

Before you all get into an uproar, No, Rihanna did not make this list. I simply wanted to start us off with some hotness before we dive in to all of the uglies that we are going to see today.

Special Thanks to everyone who voted, I had a fun time watching the polls, and if the post you voted for didn't win, just sit tight, it'll show up, eventually.

Now, on to the always gratuitus explanation of the Top Ten. Have you ever been watching TV with some buddies and they start ripping on some ugly chick that pops up? We've all been there. Have you ever thought, during these times, "She's not so bad," but were too ashamed to say anything?
Well, don't feel ashamed anymore. We're gonna march all of these Uglies out into the open and shout from the rooftops:

"Yes! Yes, I would!"

So, lets all get ready to come out of the non-gay closet with the Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Wanting to Do:

10. She-Hulk.
Yeah, she's green.
Let's get past that shall we. Its 2007, and if I still live in a world that discriminates against a beautiful woman because of the color of her skin, than whats even the point? Besides I think she's a lawyer, so she must be pretty smart, and apparently she's into physical fitness and judging from the picture on the left, she's also a cowgirl. If she's half as good as Brad from Hey Dude! than I'd say she's one hell of a catch.

9. Meg White.
Man, are we topical over at Thirsty Bitch.
I went through a period of not seeing any redeeming qualities in Meg White, and then all of a sudden, like a 6th grader coming back from summer vacation and discovering something was different I thought, "She ain't bad." That grew into a full on crush.
Meg White?
Ain't nothing wrong with that.

8. Kirsten Dunst.
I'm sorry to admit that this one is a case of peer pressure.
I always thought Dunst was really hot, and then blog after blog kept referring to her as the fug, and then I started thinking to myself,
"Lord, she is kinda fug."
That, piled on top of pictures like this one where she looks like any second she's gonna start peeing on the sidewalk like some crazy old lady I saw once, all equals a good ol' fashioned guilty pleasure fug.

7. Fergie.
Yikes.
I don't totally understand why she's famous. I went to an all boy's school with about 1200 dudes that all kinda bear a striking resemblance to her. Then again, her body is pretty amazing, and if i know anything about women's bodies...

I really don't.

6. Fergie.
Sorry.
Easy Joke.
Moving On...

5. Nancy Grace.
What a feisty bitch.
She does have spunk, though. Plus, she's pregnant so you know she puts out. Also, watching her give Trebek hell on Jeopardy gains major points in my book.

4. Mindy Cohn.
Poor Natalie. She got a bad rap for being "the fat one", but as I've pointed out earlier, no one on that show was attractive. Besides, Natalie may have had the biggest waist, but she also had the biggest heart.
Where I'm from, we call that character.
Character goes a long way...
But then it can get you killed.
By the way, I'm from the streets.

3. Kathy Griffin.
We are really topical.
Kathy Griffin is really funny and that goes a long way. Apparently so far that I can't even think of anything sarcastic to say about her. But if you ever catch her reality show you'll see that she's a really down to earth person and not even that ugly.

2. Helena Bonham Carter from Planet of the Apes.
Hmmmm.
Perhaps I should've kept this one to myself.

1. The View.
Oh, you so know it.
This isn't even limited to the members in the photo. I'll take any cast member from any period of the show for a crazy makeout session. Mainly because then it would be real fun to watch them fight about it afterward.
Let Your freak flag fly!

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Possible Top 10's.

2007-09-18T03:33:00.000-04:00

We're always striving to break down barriers here, so in an effort to make this blog a little more interactive, we're gonna try to do something a little different this week. I'm gonna give you 10 possible future Top 10 lists, you vote on the one you want in the poll on the right, and whichever one wins, will be the Top 10 list for next week. If you are reading this, please vote, it takes nothing and is just good ol' fashioned fun. Here are your choices:

10. Top 10 Post- Saved By the Bell Projects.
We all loved Saved By the Bell, everything the cast did afterwards, not so much. Here we will make fun of them.

9. Top 10 People that Don't Have Careers Anymore.
The annals of history are filled with people that rose to fame quickly and then vanished without a trace, here we will make a study of some of the best ones.

8. Top 10 Well Choreographed Music Videos.
We all love a good Top 10 with video clips, and we all love some fine dancing. Let's combine them.

7. Top 10 Girls Who Will not Date Me.
A study of love and all the girls that don't want to have anything to do with me.

6. Top 10 Supervillains that Probably Would've Caused the Apocalypse in Real Life by now.
Some of those guys are just way too evil.

5. Top 10 Performances by Non-Actors.
Maybe its a puppet or a cartoon, or maybe its a really well used prop. Let's discuss.

4. Top 10 Uggos You Shouldn't feel Guilty about Wanting to Do.
It's not crass, its guilty pleasures, some ugly girls are hot. Case Closed.

3. Top 10 Superheroes That Might be Gay ( Not that theres anything wrong with that).
A simple discussion on some of the guys that wear the tights because they simply make them feel good.

2. Top 10 Decent Performances by Otherwise Crappy Actors.
Look, if you perform a lot of movies and TV, eventually you're gonna knock a role out of the park. These will be the best.

1. Top 10 Sequels that No One Asked For.
Ever see a commercial for a sequel that made you think, "Why'd they make another one of those?" Exactly. We'll rip those apart.

Rock the Vote.

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Commandments.

2007-09-11T00:40:00.000-04:00

The other day, I found myself having a profound movie going experience. I saw The Ten, and it was amazing. Since it doesn't have the widest release in the world, let me break it down for those of you that haven't heard of it. The film takes the 10 Commandments and made 10 comedic vignettes about them, occasionally tying them together with recurring characters, lines, etc. And if that doesn't get you to hand over $10, Paul Rudd "hosts" the movie. Cha-ching.

I loved the movie so much, I thought that I would pay tribute here to the original Top 10 list. So get ready to kick it Sunday style, The Top 10 Commandments:

10. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath holy.
This is a tough one, tough to keep as a child, harder to keep now. Especially since I work every Sunday. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
Hey, you see a girl walking down the street, she passes you. You turn around. Bam! Covet. The Internet has not made this one any easier.

8. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's goods.
Hey, your friend has a really nice big HDTV in his house. Bam! Covet.

7. Thou Shalt not commit adultery.
Hey, you see a girl walking down the street, she passes you. You turn around. Bam! Adultery... I know. They covered all the bases.

6. Thou shalt not steal.
I would say this is the only one on the list that I broke more as a child than as an adult. Hi-C used to give away X-men pogs in the big cases at the supermarket. The pogs were positioned in such a way that you can just reach your hand into the box and slide them out. I would spend a half hour in the juice aisle wreaking havoc on every box of Hi-C I could. This is a morality tale though, as one day when my parents came back from the store, they had bought me a case of Hi-C, just so I could get the X-men pogs from it. Of course, there were none.

5. Thou Shalt not use the Lord's name in vain.
This one used to be so easy. I never cursed that much. In my old age, however, I know sounds like a sailor with a piece of shrapnel stuck in his spine. I'd say I break this one at least every hour.

4. Thou Shalt not bear false witness.
Fancy way of saying not to lie, worded in an obsolete vernacular to make you think that lying didn't make the list and is actually ok. If I recall correctly though, teachers told us that white lies were not included, which doesn't make sense that there would be a loophole in the ten commandments.

3. Thou Shalt not have other gods before me.
This is a tricky one, to the untrained eye you're all like cool, another one we can scratch off the list, I'm not gonna build a throne to Xantar, the lord of the cosmos, but this one has been updated a little bit to include holding things too important. I'm looking at you, American Idol fans. Its right there in the title...Idol.

2. Thou shalt not kill.
This one was always viewed as something of a freebie in school. Whenever this one was mentioned it was like,"I'm never gonna kill anyone, scratch this off the list!" But, seriously, don't kill anyone... especially me. Even if its as a goof.

1. Honor thy Father and Mother.
Look, this one just makes good sense. Simple matter of respect, 'nuff said.

This is much funnier than the post was...

The Monster Within.

2007-09-06T06:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Abby,
I want to write to you before I accidentally hurt any of my loved ones. I have a terrible addiction that I've never told anyone about. Even as I write this, I am struggling to get the words out. There's no way to sugarcoat it, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. I feast on the blood of the innocent. I know that this sounds crazy, but it is not a hoax. Unfortunately, I suffer from vampirism. This is not a lifestyle choice, but a heriditary illness. I come from a long line of Eastern European nobility, and its a large part of my birthright.I have been able to keep my bloodlust a secret from all my friendly neighbors in the community that I live in, if they found out they would surely tell me how to get lost.

In order to keep myself in control, I had started counting to 10 whenever I craved blood. This worked for a while, but found it became more effective when I would count the things around me. This has given me focus for over 30 years of my addiction, but now feel that its effectiveness is wearing off. Theres only so many times I can count my cat's kittens or baseballs, before I start to realize how much I want to taste the hot, sweet blood of the countless children that inhabit my street. Fortunately, the only victim, thus far, has been my poor cat, Fatatita.

I had been counting my Hummel figurines when she walked by and I began counting the pints of blood I could drain from her. Afterwards, all I could count were my tears. Please help me before I kill again.

Signed,
Scared on Sesame.

Top 10 Tuesday: Top 10 Actresses Playing Characters Hotter Than They Are.

2007-09-04T01:47:00.000-04:00

Boy, that sure is a mouthful. Not as succinct as usual, eh? Let me explain; We have been lied to by the media for years. Have you ever been watching a TV show or Movie and seen an actress that just made you yell at the screen, "She ain't all that!" I used to do this all the time, I had to stop though when I started doing it on the streets. Well, anyway here are the Top 10 Actresses that are not as hot as the character they were playing.

10. Mena Suvari - American Beauty.
When I think of a Lolita character, I oft think of billboard-esque foreheads. What the hell? Kevin Spacey's character would have to really be insane to contemplate statutory rape with this chick, since afterword she would probably write "I've just been violated" on her forehead. Cut to montage of people around the world finding this info out solely by reading her forehead.

9. Eva Longoria - Desperate Housewives.
Her character is a formal model and she's a midget. By the way, the picture on the left is her. If I saw that coming at me, I would throw a burlap sack over it and beat it with a hockey stick until it stopped twitching. Then, someone would be like, "Is this the lovechild of J-Lo and Rumpelstiltskin?" And I would have to reply, "Maybe, children...maybe."

8. Judith Light - Who's the Boss?
Sigh, No wonder it took Tony 8 years to tap this. I've never had such tendencies, but Tony Danza is a good lookin' guy and to this day he probably still reels in women that make Judith Light look like the crazy old cat lady that she is.

7. Lisa Whelchel - The Facts of Life.
Much like most of America, I was tricked into thinking that Blair was really hot. Sadly, in retrospect, this was a mis truth. They just filled the show with so many other fugs, that when you saw a blond, your brain registered "Hot". You've failed me again, brain.

6. Mayim Bialik - Blossom.
Was these really the best casting decision? I mean its not even like Ben on Growing Pains that started out as a cute little kid and then grew into an awkward fug. Blossom was even fug as a kid, you know how hard it is for a kid to be fug? I bet Ted from Hey Dude stole some of her older brother's barbiturates just to be able to look at her everyday.

5. Sharon Stone - Basic Instinct 2.
You know why no one saw Basic Instinct 2? For the same reason that you don't go looking for a sex tape of your parents. Hopefully, studios learned that promising that an 80 year old woman will get naked in a movie is only gonna make "Who's Your Caddy" the No. 1 movie in the country. BTW, is there a word for a cougar, past their prime? Hyena? Let's get it started.

4. Tori Spelling - 90210
There was a very good reason why her character was a virgin for 95% of the show's run. Oh sure, she'd say it was by choice, but we all knew the truth. Donna Martin Graduates, my ass.

3. Sarah Jessica Parker - Pick a role.
Y'know how you always hear guys say things like, "I would love to have an hour alone with Jessica Alba?" You know why they never say that about Sarah Jessica Parker? Because no one wants to. Matthew Broderick probably holds a razor an inch away from his wrists every single night and then thinks about how much fun it was to sing "Danka Shane" in the big parade, smiles, and remembers how good life can be sometimes. When he's not tending to his "husbandly duties", that is. That shit is gross.

2. Rosie O' Donnell - The Flinstones
What the ef? Betty Rubble was such a fine piece and they go and go and cast this for the live action movie. I mean Geez, I can spit and hit 48 chicks that look more like Betty than this uggo. I hate this world.

1. Kellie S. Williams - Family Matters.
This was the entire inspiration for this list. Urkel was ready to slit his wrists for Laura Winslow and she refused him at every pass. Well, she was a big steaming pile of fug and should've jumped at the chance to not die alone. Look what happened to Myra...ouch. too soon?

And in keeping with the theme, a little musical outro...

Top 10 Reasons I Haven't Been Posting.

2007-08-29T11:13:00.000-04:00

I know that all of you have been concerned about my well being since I teased you all with an awesome blog and then slowly disappeared into obscurity. Well here I am to let you know that nothing has happened to me, I am as safe as houses ( what does that mean? what if your house gets broken into? not too safe, huh?). And not only do I have a good excuse for my absence, I have 10...

10. Been trying to help Steven Seagal resurrect his career.

9. I've been staying up late watching all 3 hours of Big Brother After Dark looking for nudity, of which there has been none, but isn't that guy Dick a big jerk? and whats the deal with Danielle? Did anyone catch the episode where she was making a big deal about ska? Hey, 1998 called, they want their music back.

8. I've been flying back and forth from New York to San Diego dealing Oxycontin to Owen Wilson.....too soon?

7. Finally getting to work on those Golden Girls DVDs. Rue McClenahan, you are a national treasure.

6. Working hard on a spec script that combines the universes of Lord of the Rings with Star Wars. Get it? They have swords... and spaceships! Its a can't miss, I bet there are geeks lining up with their $10 already.

5. Perfecting Time Travel.

4. Working on my 2-Man Standup act with Matt LeBlanc. We are gonna take Open-Mic Night like a freakin' hurricane.

3. Why won't Brad Garrett return my phone calls?

2. While at my sister's wedding, I awoke one morning to Paul Giamatti singing "Hello, Its Me" from Duets. I've been working really hard to get it out of my head.

1. Trying to stop Moose & Squirrel.

Tale of the Tape

2007-08-16T14:55:00.001-04:00

1987; those were crazy times for all of us. I was a young lad that didn't know jack about baseball, but had a ton of baseball cards, regardless. In my vast collection of cards about a game I knew nothing about. Was a Topps card for some dude in a green shirt named Jose Canseco. I didn't care about this though, my real passion lie in G.I. Joe's.

I only had a handful of those magical little 3.75" toys, but my neighbor Jonathan had a ton. One day we proposed a trade, the Jose Canseco card in exchange for a dozen Real American Heroes.

Later on in life, I began to wonder if this was foolish. So, call up your bookies and lets finally put this to rest, shall we?

CANSECO: First player to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a season.
G.I. JOE: Opened up the world of playing with dolls to boys.
ADVANTAGE: Canseco.

G.I. JOE: Kung-Fu Grip.
CANSECO: Accused of Domestic Battery by first wife.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

Whew. This is gonna be a real horse race.

G.I. JOE: Continuously fights to defeat the Cobra forces.
CANSECO: Continuously fights to make a buck.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

CANSECO:
G.I. JOE:
ADVANTAGE: Draw.

CANSECO: Became a joke after needing Tommy John surgery following an inning of pitching.
G.I. JOE: Virtually indestructible as long as you don't leave them in the pool like I did.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

CANSECO: Appeared on VH1's "The Surreal Life"
G.I. JOE: May or may not support the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy.
ADVANTAGE: Draw.

CANSECO: Has a book where he claims that he brought steroids into baseball and names the names of other players involved with steroids.
G.I. JOE: Has a comic book which is just good, clean fun.
ADVANTAGE: Joe.

OUTCOME: Canseco-1, Joe-4, Draw- 2.

Wow, that was intense, hope you didn't lose too much money betting on this one. Well, if you bet on Canseco against the Real American Hero, perhaps you deserve to lose your shirt. I hope we all learned something here today.....

Ummm, let me know what that is, ok?

Friend or Foe?

2007-08-02T22:01:00.001-04:00

Dear Abby,

I'm afraid that I have a serious problem and I wanted to seek your advice first before I contact the appropriate authorities. My wife unfortunately passed away several years ago and so I invited her brother and a good friend from my youth to move in and help me with the raising of my three young daughters during this very difficult time for me. This arrangement worked out well for a while, but as time went on and my wounds began to heal, I started to become wary of my "old friend." At first,I just thought that he was being loving to my daughters during a tough time, but now I feel that his intentions are much more sinister.

You see, he has what would be referred to as a "Peter Pan complex", and at first I thought that this was just his way of connecting with the children, but by bringing himself down to their level, it is hard for the girls to see him as an adult and mistake him for a peer. You can imagine the disastrous possibilities of this. I've also insisted several times that he make the girls call him, "Uncle", a request that has gone ignored, this only adds to my fears. He's also constantly inviting the girls downstairs to the basement to "listen to new cartoon impressions" that he's been "working on." That's another thing, His official employment is that of a "standup comedian", but he has not gotten paid to do this as long as I can remember, making him a strain on me mentally and financially. His love life is virtually non-existent. He'll meet a nice girl, but ultimately scare her off with his immaturity and love of footsy pajamas. I can't help but wonder if its solely his immaturity or is he simply not very attracted to women his own age?

I teach the girls to be affectionate, but I'm afraid that my friend may be enjoying their hugs too much. I pray I am not too late.

- Suspicious in San Francisco

Delusions of Grandeur.

2007-07-30T03:36:00.001-04:00

Rocking out. We’ve all done it. Some more than others. Got the place all to your self. Crank the music up. It'll start innocently enough. Your neck starts to groove to the tune. Then, the classically inevitable feet taps. Oh yeah, you’re getting into it. Maybe you lose control of your arms and hit the ol’ imaginary drums. Remember those foot taps? Now they’re turning into steps. Your arms go to your sides and form a rudimentary guitar. Don’t you dare hold back. You form that left hand into what may very well could be a chord(Sure, why not? That might be a chord) and strum your little heart out. Don’t forget the solo. Now, most people stop there. The lame people. Go for it.

Change the chords, move up and down the neck. Step up to the mic. Now is your time to shine. Those thousands of people paid $200 to Ticketmaster to hear you so you'd better start singing along. (Oooh, not too loud, the neighbors didn't pay anything.) There ya go, that soft falsetto whisper is enough to convince you that you should have a record deal, but not loud enough for anyone to be able to disagree with you. Now you're free to sing your little Styx lovin' heart out. Here comes the solo. Look over at the bass player, he gives you a nod as if to say, "Go for it, duder." He always says duder, it drives you nuts, but you guys have been good friends since childhood. Sure you had that rocky period when you both went to different high schools, but you remembered the rockin' good times and now you don't just rock together, you roll together.

What are we waiting for?! This solo isn't gonna play itself! Start that b-boy up. Make sure you bring your chord hand and strumming hand together real close. Turn this mother out. Make some awkward faces that could easily be confused for your O-face, but right now that's your "Oh, I almost can't handle all the ROCK-face." OWN IT. Walk over to the rhythm guitarist, you two do that thing. Um, y'know...when you two look at each others guitars like you're not sure what to play next. There ya go. Cocky bastard. The two of you are constantly butting heads. He's always like, "Why can't we put some of the songs that I write on the album." And your all like, "Cus they suuuuuuck!" The measly 60,000 copies his solo album sold backed you up on that one, but when he showed his true colors as a friend when you were in rehab. Friends like that are hard to find. You may not always see eye to eye, but neither did Lennon/McCartney. You two can be the next Lennon/McCartney! Far out.

Sounds like this solo is wrapping up so that means its time to rock out that last chorus. You have a choice here between clapping your hands over your head or holding the mic out to the audience for them to sing along. I like to go with the clapping. If anyone wanted to hear the audience sing, they'd be putting the asses in the seats, not you.

Great set. Walk off the stage and listen to the sweet sounds of all those people not just wanting you, but wanting to be you. What a great feeling.

Oh wait. That's not the crowd calling, that's my Mom. Man, do I need to get my own place.

What's your favorite song to rock out to?

Dr. Career: RVJ Edition

2007-07-26T04:33:00.001-04:00

What to do, What to do if you’re Reginald Vel Johnson? They replace your Harriet, Urkel gives up acting, and Bruce Willis loses your number. Well, fear not, RVJ, we are gonna solve the whole Reggie J mess with my “8 Simple Rules For Resurrecting the Vel.”:

1. 4 words: Dancing With the Stars. You may not even need the next 7 steps after this one. Have you seen what its done for people? Mario Lopez, Joey Lawrence, are you really gonna debate me on this? Sure its definition of “Stars” is loose, but if you’re not a star going into that show, I’ll be damned if you’re not a star coming out of it.

2. Get a recurring role on According to Jim. Nothing fancy, just get some people saying, “isn’t that Carl Winslow?” again. This should be pretty easy since you’re already pretty cozy with ABC and because Jim Belushi is a whore. But America loves him, and soon they are going to love his new bowling partner, “Duncan” (there seems to be a trend of giving African American characters on TV terrible names…I’m not a racist).

3. Viral Video: You and Pauly Shore do something stupid( lip sync a b-52’s song, perhaps) and curse a ton. At some point take off your shirt. Hip Young Audience, meet RVJ.

4. Good, now that America is starting to warm up to the star of everyone’s favorite Pefect Strangers spinoff, its time to show off your range a little bit. Now, this step is gonna be a little tricky, so I’ve added a familiar twist. You’ll still be playing a cop, but this time you’re playing a cop on…Big Love. You find out the secret of the Henrickson clan and threaten to turn them in unless they make it a fivesome. Oh yeah. Feel free to toss in some innuendos about the title, maybe even show a little RVJ backside, it worked for Franz.

5. Start making the rounds at some clubs, y’know, be seen mixing it up with all the young foxes and hounds of Hollywood. Get your picture in a couple of papers with Ashton and Demi ( let Bruce know where your loyalties lie). How about an adorable pic of you and Britney shaving each others heads (too soon)? They’re gonna love the new Reggie V. Johnson.

6. Of course, rehab. All the big stars are doing it. You’re no exception. I don’t care if you’re not addicted to anything, you get addicted, damn it! Besides some cocaine will help you shed some pounds so you’ll be all set for later.

7. Join a trendy religion, Scientology has a bad rap so that would leave you with the kaballah, make sure you wave at photo ops with your bracelet hand. This step is probably a good time to distance yourself from those crazies starting the Church of Veljohnsonism ( I wish I made that up, but its true).

8. This is it. What you’ve worked so hard for. You get yourself a part in big summer action movie. You don’t need Bruce, he couldn’t even open against a cartoon. You’re the star now. Cast Bow Wow as your sidekick just to stick it to Jaleel White. Maybe even throw Mark-Linn Baker a role just to show people you know how to keep it real.

And if all else fails, one word: sextape.

Top 10 Embarrassingly Bad Guys

2007-07-26T02:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, ok. I'm a geek. Now that we got that out of the way we can all move on with our lives and the important issues of this post. There are way too many "villains" (and I use that term very loosely) that repeatedly get the crap beaten out of them by "superheroes" when they can easily be detained by any nearby police officer/ 8 year old girl. These so called "heroes" should be embarrassed to be seen laying a hand on any of these people, and maybe today we'll learn who the real heroes are.

10. Catwoman.
Hero: Batman.
Before any people get on me for sexism, Catwoman makes this list not just because she's a woman, but mainly because she's Batman's girlfriend. And he beats the crap out of her. Does this sound like a healthy relationship at all?
"Hey, honey, how was your day?"
"Not bad, robbed a bank."
"What?!"
SMACK!
Its called domestic battery, and I'm shocked at Batman. Hero? Not in my book.

9. The Blob.
Hero: X-Men.
perhaps I'm a little sensitive to the Blob, because we're both overweight, but gimme a break here. Look at this guy! The X-men look like a team of bloody bodybuilders going up against the kid that was picked last in gym. The Blob is also another character that gets such fantastic dialog as, "I'm the Blob!" on loop until he gets knocked back to Wendy's where he has to cry in his Frosty...alone. Have a friggin' heart, X-Men, the world has enough Anti-Fatites (give it time, it'll catch on). Who's next on your hit list of hate? Santa?

8.Solomon Grundy.
Hero: Green Lantern.
I'm gonna start off by saying that if you're named after a nursery rhyme, you're probably not going to appear too threatening to people. Secondly, if all you do is walk around reciting said nursery rhyme, even less threatening. If I started calling myself Little Miss Muffet and went around talking about eating my curds and whey (WTF is whey, anyways?) it probably wouldn't be long before I had plenty of quiet time, if you know what I mean. Now, you might be thinking that he gets points for being a zombie, but guess what? I've seen a bunch of zombie movies and thats normal people taking on like hundreds of zombies. None of them have superpowers. Whats the matter, Green Lantern? One zombie too much for you? Maybe all that cool jewelery is weighing you down. Why don't you grow a pair and shoot him in the head?

7. Boomerang
Hero: Spider-Man
Its like they weren't even trying sometimes. As you can guess from his name and costume, this guy throws boomerangs. I can't offer you much more than that. Obviously, he's an Australian, but wait a minute, he was a Major League Pitcher too! Get it? Thats why he can throw the boomerangs! Genius! So essentially, on the danger scale, this guy is as dangerous to you as if I was playing fetch with my dog and you walked in the middle and got hit by the stick. Of course, Spider-man would then come down and say something lame like "Caught in my Web of Justice!"

6.Gorilla Grodd.
Hero: The Flash.
I'm no animal activist, I enjoy a nice steak every now and then, but this is pushing it. Just because you give an animal an alliterative last name doesn't mean its ok pound on it for an hour because you suspect it was about to rob a bank. "Hey, Look! crossing the street! Its Squirrel Samson! He must be about to rob that house." ::Sarcastic glare over at The Flash:: To think of all the good that Diane Fosse did for these gentle creatures and then one gets loose and The Flash uses it as a punching bag. I bet whenever Gorilla Grodd isn't around, the Flash heads over to the arctic and clubs some baby seals. Jeez, what a DB.

5. The Big Wheel
Hero: Spider-Man
WTF?! Words fail.

4. Lex Luthor.
Hero: Superman.
Superman can do anything, he can fly, has unlimited strength, impermeable skin, so of course it makes total sense that his greatest foe is a shady real estate man. This is horrible. The only reason why Lex Luthor still exists is because of tradition; his character was created sometime in the mid 1700s. Superman's villain should be some giant vampire robot that spits acid. Or I guess a guy who wants to flip real estate. Either or. The next time you see a house for sale and there's one of those signs with the picture of the guy selling it, imagine Superman pounding on him. I know. I hate Superman too.

3.The Rat King.
Hero: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Ok, Ninja Turtles, you have a lot of weird villains, but none more embarrassing than the Rat King. The Rat King, in a nutshell, is a homeless man who lives in the sewers and likes to talk to rats, so much so that he named himself their king. Now, I wasn't a major in criminology, but I fail to see where the crime is here. Perhaps, the real crime is the system that prevents this man from being able to get a job and a home that doesn't have raw sewage running through it. If he did ever attack the Turtles it was probably because they were homing in on his turf and if I've learned anything, its that you don't mess with a homeless rodent monarch's sewage real estate. Lesson learned.

2.The Riddler.
Hero: Batman.
The Riddler is a pretty obvious choice to rank high on this list because he barely even qualifies as a villain. He has all the superpowers of a 12 year old with a new activity book. I used to love those things, I would run around the house telling everyone all the jokes and riddles I was learning. I guess I was lucky that Batman never showed up and kicked my ass. If anything, the Riddler is just confused about how the whole crime thing is supposed to work. Does it even count as a crime if you're going to tell Batman about it beforehand? If anything, he's working on the side of justice. In reality, the Police force would probably give him a medal for all he's done in the crime prevention field. Cut to all the cops palling around with The Riddler ( or "T-Riddy" as they'd call him for short) while Batman is on the outside looking in, shedding a tear as he wishes he could do as much for Gotham as Riddler has.

1.The Vulture.
Hero: Spider-Man.
What the crap, Spider-man? This guy is older than dirt. Oh, and did I mention that he has cancer? Yeah, he does. Hey, Spidey what do you say you and me cruise by Mt. Sinai with a couple of baseball bats and give those cancer patients a special delivery of pain. God damn it, for a guy that cried like a little girl with a skinned knee when his uncle died, you sure don't have any trouble beating the snot out of someone's great grandfather. That doesn't even look like a Villain's costume, he probably dressed up for Halloween to pass out candy and Spider-Man was all like, "Look! that man with the breathing tube is too close to the children! He must be stopped!" Go to hell.

I Never Promised You A Chia Garden

2007-07-05T16:43:00.000-04:00

From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted a Chia Pet. As a kid, watching the commercial of the mysterious hand molesting the orange animal and then the awesome time lapse of it turning into a genuine bush, I always thought to myself, "How can it get any better than that?" I would run to my parents after each viewing (if you watched the same stuff I did, you saw this at least once every half hour) begging for a Chia to call my own. Now, Chias weren't technically a toy so they were pretty much off my childhood radar whenever I wasn’t watching TV (my attention span has not improved since then). On top of the fact that I don’t think I've ever actually seen one of these things in a store, any Christmas list making with the Sears WishBook would exclude Chia goodness. Making these post-commercial viewing requests pretty much the full extent of my efforts. And My parents would always respond the same way, “ You’re not going to water it and we’re just going to be left with a crusty piece of pottery on the windowsill.” So it goes. Sufficed to say, I didn’t get one, but the closest I would ever came to Chia fulfillment would come many years later, during my senior year of high school.

Word had gotten out to my then girlfriend about my desire for the Chia and she searched frantically for one for me for Christmas (I know this to be fact because she made me stand outside of the stores while she went in and later told me what she was looking for) though she too came across the same problem of finding no store that carried them. I was touched that someone finally made an effort to get me my lifelong dream and much making out was had.

As time would go on, the commercials became less and less frequent and whenever I did catch it, I would be angered that they swayed from the classic animals and added licensed characters like Looney Tunes and Shrek to the Chia menagerie. The final straw was when they released the “Special Edition” Mr. T Chia, they had become a parody of themselves. What was once a marvel of my youth had become a joke on Conan. I’m sure I felt the same way about this as die hard Rolling Stones fans felt when they heard “Wild Horses” in that Ford commercial. The Chias had sunk to Mick Jagger’s level.

The Chia-P’s have now become closely associated to me with disappointment, whenever I am reminded of the beloved pottery that grows, I think back to the times of watching Woody Woodpecker after school, shootin’ some b-ball, and making out in my old Mercury Sable (sorry, I’ll stop now). The simpler times of youth. Heck, I’d probably be considerably less stressed if I took some time out of my day to water a green, bushy ram that sat on my desk.

About now is when You’re asking yourself what any of this has to do with anything, and rightfully so. My lifelong quest for a chia pet has brought me to where I am today, in hopes that I can seed the pottery of the Internet in order to blossom a pet of my own (man, was it hard to word that to not sound like a bad sexual innuendo). The reason my parents would give me for not getting me one was that I wouldn’t water it and it would just be a waste. They were probably right, I probably never would’ve watered it and there would’ve just been a crusty piece of pottery sitting on the windowsill. Well, I am gonna do my best to water this b-boy and hopefully, it will grow. So, without further ado, I present to you, “thirsty bitch, the bloggery that grows (blows).”

CUE: Growing Pains Theme.