Delusions of Grandeur.

Rocking out. We’ve all done it. Some more than others. Got the place all to your self. Crank the music up. It'll start innocently enough. Your neck starts to groove to the tune. Then, the classically inevitable feet taps. Oh yeah, you’re getting into it. Maybe you lose control of your arms and hit the ol’ imaginary drums. Remember those foot taps? Now they’re turning into steps. Your arms go to your sides and form a rudimentary guitar. Don’t you dare hold back. You form that left hand into what may very well could be a chord(Sure, why not? That might be a chord) and strum your little heart out. Don’t forget the solo. Now, most people stop there. The lame people. Go for it.

Change the chords, move up and down the neck. Step up to the mic. Now is your time to shine. Those thousands of people paid $200 to Ticketmaster to hear you so you'd better start singing along. (Oooh, not too loud, the neighbors didn't pay anything.) There ya go, that soft falsetto whisper is enough to convince you that you should have a record deal, but not loud enough for anyone to be able to disagree with you. Now you're free to sing your little Styx lovin' heart out. Here comes the solo. Look over at the bass player, he gives you a nod as if to say, "Go for it, duder." He always says duder, it drives you nuts, but you guys have been good friends since childhood. Sure you had that rocky period when you both went to different high schools, but you remembered the rockin' good times and now you don't just rock together, you roll together.

What are we waiting for?! This solo isn't gonna play itself! Start that b-boy up. Make sure you bring your chord hand and strumming hand together real close. Turn this mother out. Make some awkward faces that could easily be confused for your O-face, but right now that's your "Oh, I almost can't handle all the ROCK-face." OWN IT. Walk over to the rhythm guitarist, you two do that thing. Um, y'know...when you two look at each others guitars like you're not sure what to play next. There ya go. Cocky bastard. The two of you are constantly butting heads. He's always like, "Why can't we put some of the songs that I write on the album." And your all like, "Cus they suuuuuuck!" The measly 60,000 copies his solo album sold backed you up on that one, but when he showed his true colors as a friend when you were in rehab. Friends like that are hard to find. You may not always see eye to eye, but neither did Lennon/McCartney. You two can be the next Lennon/McCartney! Far out.

Sounds like this solo is wrapping up so that means its time to rock out that last chorus. You have a choice here between clapping your hands over your head or holding the mic out to the audience for them to sing along. I like to go with the clapping. If anyone wanted to hear the audience sing, they'd be putting the asses in the seats, not you.

Great set. Walk off the stage and listen to the sweet sounds of all those people not just wanting you, but wanting to be you. What a great feeling.

Oh wait. That's not the crowd calling, that's my Mom. Man, do I need to get my own place.

What's your favorite song to rock out to?

Dr. Career: RVJ Edition

What to do, What to do if you’re Reginald Vel Johnson? They replace your Harriet, Urkel gives up acting, and Bruce Willis loses your number. Well, fear not, RVJ, we are gonna solve the whole Reggie J mess with my “8 Simple Rules For Resurrecting the Vel.”:

1. 4 words: Dancing With the Stars. You may not even need the next 7 steps after this one. Have you seen what its done for people? Mario Lopez, Joey Lawrence, are you really gonna debate me on this? Sure its definition of “Stars” is loose, but if you’re not a star going into that show, I’ll be damned if you’re not a star coming out of it.

2. Get a recurring role on According to Jim. Nothing fancy, just get some people saying, “isn’t that Carl Winslow?” again. This should be pretty easy since you’re already pretty cozy with ABC and because Jim Belushi is a whore. But America loves him, and soon they are going to love his new bowling partner, “Duncan” (there seems to be a trend of giving African American characters on TV terrible names…I’m not a racist).

3. Viral Video: You and Pauly Shore do something stupid( lip sync a b-52’s song, perhaps) and curse a ton. At some point take off your shirt. Hip Young Audience, meet RVJ.

4. Good, now that America is starting to warm up to the star of everyone’s favorite Pefect Strangers spinoff, its time to show off your range a little bit. Now, this step is gonna be a little tricky, so I’ve added a familiar twist. You’ll still be playing a cop, but this time you’re playing a cop on…Big Love. You find out the secret of the Henrickson clan and threaten to turn them in unless they make it a fivesome. Oh yeah. Feel free to toss in some innuendos about the title, maybe even show a little RVJ backside, it worked for Franz.

5. Start making the rounds at some clubs, y’know, be seen mixing it up with all the young foxes and hounds of Hollywood. Get your picture in a couple of papers with Ashton and Demi ( let Bruce know where your loyalties lie). How about an adorable pic of you and Britney shaving each others heads (too soon)? They’re gonna love the new Reggie V. Johnson.

6. Of course, rehab. All the big stars are doing it. You’re no exception. I don’t care if you’re not addicted to anything, you get addicted, damn it! Besides some cocaine will help you shed some pounds so you’ll be all set for later.

7. Join a trendy religion, Scientology has a bad rap so that would leave you with the kaballah, make sure you wave at photo ops with your bracelet hand. This step is probably a good time to distance yourself from those crazies starting the Church of Veljohnsonism ( I wish I made that up, but its true).

8. This is it. What you’ve worked so hard for. You get yourself a part in big summer action movie. You don’t need Bruce, he couldn’t even open against a cartoon. You’re the star now. Cast Bow Wow as your sidekick just to stick it to Jaleel White. Maybe even throw Mark-Linn Baker a role just to show people you know how to keep it real.

And if all else fails, one word: sextape.

Top 10 Embarrassingly Bad Guys

Ok, ok. I'm a geek. Now that we got that out of the way we can all move on with our lives and the important issues of this post. There are way too many "villains" (and I use that term very loosely) that repeatedly get the crap beaten out of them by "superheroes" when they can easily be detained by any nearby police officer/ 8 year old girl. These so called "heroes" should be embarrassed to be seen laying a hand on any of these people, and maybe today we'll learn who the real heroes are.

10. Catwoman.
Hero: Batman.
Before any people get on me for sexism, Catwoman makes this list not just because she's a woman, but mainly because she's Batman's girlfriend. And he beats the crap out of her. Does this sound like a healthy relationship at all?
"Hey, honey, how was your day?"
"Not bad, robbed a bank."
"What?!"
SMACK!
Its called domestic battery, and I'm shocked at Batman. Hero? Not in my book.


9. The Blob.
Hero: X-Men.
perhaps I'm a little sensitive to the Blob, because we're both overweight, but gimme a break here. Look at this guy! The X-men look like a team of bloody bodybuilders going up against the kid that was picked last in gym. The Blob is also another character that gets such fantastic dialog as, "I'm the Blob!" on loop until he gets knocked back to Wendy's where he has to cry in his Frosty...alone. Have a friggin' heart, X-Men, the world has enough Anti-Fatites (give it time, it'll catch on). Who's next on your hit list of hate? Santa?




8.Solomon Grundy.
Hero: Green Lantern.
I'm gonna start off by saying that if you're named after a nursery rhyme, you're probably not going to appear too threatening to people. Secondly, if all you do is walk around reciting said nursery rhyme, even less threatening. If I started calling myself Little Miss Muffet and went around talking about eating my curds and whey (WTF is whey, anyways?) it probably wouldn't be long before I had plenty of quiet time, if you know what I mean. Now, you might be thinking that he gets points for being a zombie, but guess what? I've seen a bunch of zombie movies and thats normal people taking on like hundreds of zombies. None of them have superpowers. Whats the matter, Green Lantern? One zombie too much for you? Maybe all that cool jewelery is weighing you down. Why don't you grow a pair and shoot him in the head?


7. Boomerang
Hero: Spider-Man
Its like they weren't even trying sometimes. As you can guess from his name and costume, this guy throws boomerangs. I can't offer you much more than that. Obviously, he's an Australian, but wait a minute, he was a Major League Pitcher too! Get it? Thats why he can throw the boomerangs! Genius! So essentially, on the danger scale, this guy is as dangerous to you as if I was playing fetch with my dog and you walked in the middle and got hit by the stick. Of course, Spider-man would then come down and say something lame like "Caught in my Web of Justice!"


6.Gorilla Grodd.
Hero: The Flash.
I'm no animal activist, I enjoy a nice steak every now and then, but this is pushing it. Just because you give an animal an alliterative last name doesn't mean its ok pound on it for an hour because you suspect it was about to rob a bank. "Hey, Look! crossing the street! Its Squirrel Samson! He must be about to rob that house." ::Sarcastic glare over at The Flash:: To think of all the good that Diane Fosse did for these gentle creatures and then one gets loose and The Flash uses it as a punching bag. I bet whenever Gorilla Grodd isn't around, the Flash heads over to the arctic and clubs some baby seals. Jeez, what a DB.


5. The Big Wheel
Hero: Spider-Man
WTF?! Words fail.










4. Lex Luthor.
Hero: Superman.
Superman can do anything, he can fly, has unlimited strength, impermeable skin, so of course it makes total sense that his greatest foe is a shady real estate man. This is horrible. The only reason why Lex Luthor still exists is because of tradition; his character was created sometime in the mid 1700s. Superman's villain should be some giant vampire robot that spits acid. Or I guess a guy who wants to flip real estate. Either or. The next time you see a house for sale and there's one of those signs with the picture of the guy selling it, imagine Superman pounding on him. I know. I hate Superman too.


3.The Rat King.
Hero: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Ok, Ninja Turtles, you have a lot of weird villains, but none more embarrassing than the Rat King. The Rat King, in a nutshell, is a homeless man who lives in the sewers and likes to talk to rats, so much so that he named himself their king. Now, I wasn't a major in criminology, but I fail to see where the crime is here. Perhaps, the real crime is the system that prevents this man from being able to get a job and a home that doesn't have raw sewage running through it. If he did ever attack the Turtles it was probably because they were homing in on his turf and if I've learned anything, its that you don't mess with a homeless rodent monarch's sewage real estate. Lesson learned.


2.The Riddler.
Hero: Batman.
The Riddler is a pretty obvious choice to rank high on this list because he barely even qualifies as a villain. He has all the superpowers of a 12 year old with a new activity book. I used to love those things, I would run around the house telling everyone all the jokes and riddles I was learning. I guess I was lucky that Batman never showed up and kicked my ass. If anything, the Riddler is just confused about how the whole crime thing is supposed to work. Does it even count as a crime if you're going to tell Batman about it beforehand? If anything, he's working on the side of justice. In reality, the Police force would probably give him a medal for all he's done in the crime prevention field. Cut to all the cops palling around with The Riddler ( or "T-Riddy" as they'd call him for short) while Batman is on the outside looking in, shedding a tear as he wishes he could do as much for Gotham as Riddler has.



1.The Vulture.
Hero: Spider-Man.
What the crap, Spider-man? This guy is older than dirt. Oh, and did I mention that he has cancer? Yeah, he does. Hey, Spidey what do you say you and me cruise by Mt. Sinai with a couple of baseball bats and give those cancer patients a special delivery of pain. God damn it, for a guy that cried like a little girl with a skinned knee when his uncle died, you sure don't have any trouble beating the snot out of someone's great grandfather. That doesn't even look like a Villain's costume, he probably dressed up for Halloween to pass out candy and Spider-Man was all like, "Look! that man with the breathing tube is too close to the children! He must be stopped!" Go to hell.

I Never Promised You A Chia Garden

From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted a Chia Pet. As a kid, watching the commercial of the mysterious hand molesting the orange animal and then the awesome time lapse of it turning into a genuine bush, I always thought to myself, "How can it get any better than that?" I would run to my parents after each viewing (if you watched the same stuff I did, you saw this at least once every half hour) begging for a Chia to call my own. Now, Chias weren't technically a toy so they were pretty much off my childhood radar whenever I wasn’t watching TV (my attention span has not improved since then). On top of the fact that I don’t think I've ever actually seen one of these things in a store, any Christmas list making with the Sears WishBook would exclude Chia goodness. Making these post-commercial viewing requests pretty much the full extent of my efforts. And My parents would always respond the same way, “ You’re not going to water it and we’re just going to be left with a crusty piece of pottery on the windowsill.” So it goes. Sufficed to say, I didn’t get one, but the closest I would ever came to Chia fulfillment would come many years later, during my senior year of high school.

Word had gotten out to my then girlfriend about my desire for the Chia and she searched frantically for one for me for Christmas (I know this to be fact because she made me stand outside of the stores while she went in and later told me what she was looking for) though she too came across the same problem of finding no store that carried them. I was touched that someone finally made an effort to get me my lifelong dream and much making out was had.

As time would go on, the commercials became less and less frequent and whenever I did catch it, I would be angered that they swayed from the classic animals and added licensed characters like Looney Tunes and Shrek to the Chia menagerie. The final straw was when they released the “Special Edition” Mr. T Chia, they had become a parody of themselves. What was once a marvel of my youth had become a joke on Conan. I’m sure I felt the same way about this as die hard Rolling Stones fans felt when they heard “Wild Horses” in that Ford commercial. The Chias had sunk to Mick Jagger’s level.

The Chia-P’s have now become closely associated to me with disappointment, whenever I am reminded of the beloved pottery that grows, I think back to the times of watching Woody Woodpecker after school, shootin’ some b-ball, and making out in my old Mercury Sable (sorry, I’ll stop now). The simpler times of youth. Heck, I’d probably be considerably less stressed if I took some time out of my day to water a green, bushy ram that sat on my desk.

About now is when You’re asking yourself what any of this has to do with anything, and rightfully so. My lifelong quest for a chia pet has brought me to where I am today, in hopes that I can seed the pottery of the Internet in order to blossom a pet of my own (man, was it hard to word that to not sound like a bad sexual innuendo). The reason my parents would give me for not getting me one was that I wouldn’t water it and it would just be a waste. They were probably right, I probably never would’ve watered it and there would’ve just been a crusty piece of pottery sitting on the windowsill. Well, I am gonna do my best to water this b-boy and hopefully, it will grow. So, without further ado, I present to you, “thirsty bitch, the bloggery that grows (blows).”

CUE: Growing Pains Theme.